


No one mourns the wicked

by injerannie94



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Addiction, Family Drama, Fili and Kili are cousins, Fili is the adopted son of Thorin and Bilbo, M/M, Modern AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Build, lil bit of sexy times, sounds depressing but please give it a try
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-16 04:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 40
Words: 51,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3474590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injerannie94/pseuds/injerannie94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili hasn't seen his cousin for years or his aunt Dis - the aunt no one really talks about unless its with tight lips and regret in their eyes. Until 17-year-old Kili is sent to live with his uncles in Cambridge for reasons Fili isn't entirely sure, and Fili starts discovering the last thing he needs is a destructive, drug-riddled teenager in his busy life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> initially inspired by LadyLuna and witchesdelite's 'Rebel and the Geek' and bluepeony's 'Little Box', which is finally complete! massive congrats to them all, they're great stories
> 
> not sure how long this will be, or how fast updates will be, but here goes! it will start slow, so be warned
> 
> hope you enjoy :)

Fili woke up to see his room bright. He rolled over, grabbing his watch from the bedside table and groaned softly at the time. Nonetheless, he lounged for a bit longer (at this point it was so late a few more minutes wouldn’t make a difference) then reluctantly threw his duvet off and padded downstairs.

 

The sound of clattering led him to the kitchen, where Bilbo was putting away plates in the dishwasher. He turned and smiled, seeing Fili standing sleepily in the doorway.

 

“Morning.”

 

“Morning,” Fili yawned, leaning down automatically to help but Bilbo swatted his hands away gently.

 

“I’m alright, you get your breakfast. I’ve already put the toast on for you”

 

“You’re the best,” Fili mumbled happily, opening the fridge and pulling out the strawberry jam.

 

“Don’t ask me why I’m doing it. You’re well old enough to do it all yourself,” Bilbo chuckled and Fili hummed in agreement.

 

The toaster popped, Fili flipping the slices quickly onto his plate, hissing softly as he almost burned himself.

 

Bilbo put the last of the glasses away and joined him at the breakfast bar, cradling a china mug of brewing tea in his hands as Fili layered jam on his toast.

 

“Busy day?” he asked over his the edge of his cup.

 

“Not much. Gotta do more work on my thesis.”

 

“Ah, of course. You work so hard.”

 

“I’ve got to.” Fili took a huge bite, relishing in the fruity sweetness that exploded along his tongue. Nothing ever beat homemade strawberry jam. “I’ve got a draft due a week Monday. And my supervisor will break my balls if it’s late again.”

 

Bilbo chuckled. “Still. Can’t hurt to have a lie-in once in a while.”

 

“I did. This morning.” Fili glanced guiltily at the clock. “I meant to be up at eight, and I only got out of bed at ten. I’m just so _tired_.”

 

“It’s Saturday,” Bilbo told him gently. “Give yourself a break.”

 

“I guess.” Fili wiped his sticky fingers on his trackies, smiling apologetically at Bilbo when his eyes narrowed disapprovingly. “Where’s dad?”

 

“Thorin’s… picking up Kili.”

 

“Oh.” Fili had almost forgotten. “Right.”

 

“He wasn’t due til later but he wanted to be early. As usual.” Bilbo rolled his eyes fondly, but it didn’t conceal the tiny layer of concern that had settled behind them.

 

“Typical dad,” Fili muttered.

 

A silence fell, broken only by the sound of crunching as Fili munched his toast. Automatically, Bilbo stood up and began filling the dishwasher again.

 

“I’ll do that, dad.”

 

This time Bilbo let him, leaning back against the breakfast bar with a sigh as Fili stacked last night’s plates, dropping his jammy knife into the cutlery box with the rest of the dirty forks and spoons. He glanced up at Bilbo, who was looking pensive.

 

“Penny for your thoughts,” Fili quipped. That seemed to pull Bilbo out of his reverie.

 

“I was looking at some photos, actually.” He ruffled some papers on the counter, a few shiny squares slipping out. “Here. Look.”

 

Fili took the polaroid Bilbo handed him. A miniature version of himself stared out, except that his hair, now a golden brown honey-colour, was paler, almost white. It was bunched back in a short ponytail, Thorin and Bilbo’s attempt to tame it, but judging by its messiness he wasn’t pleased about it. A tiny boy stood next to him in a stripy sweater two sizes too big, a mass of black curls overflowing into his eyes. About a head shorter, they were practically opposites, the only similarity they shared being the sheer volume of hair they each had.

 

“Did we get along?”

 

“I suppose. As well as any cousins who only see each other once a year do.”

 

Fili squinted at the photo. “Is this Richmond park?”

 

“Yes, sometime in spring. We took you to see the deer. It was so muddy, you both got filthy.”

 

“This was the last time we saw each other. It was years ago.”

 

“More than ten,” Bilbo agreed. He filed away the rest of the photos in a small red box and shut the lid. He hesitated. “Thorin will be back soon. We were really hoping if you wouldn’t mind - taking some time off today. To help him settle in.”

 

“Of course,” Fili agreed immediately. “No problem.”

 

“Thank you.” Bilbo gave a small smile, which wavered. “I hope he likes chicken. I’ve made a roast tonight, he was such a fussy eater when he was little.”

 

“Everyone likes roast chicken,” Fili told him. “Especially when you make it.”

 

“I hope you’re right. Anyway. Have you got plans this week?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Aren’t you going to go and see that nice girl? She was very pretty.”

 

“Dad,” Fili groaned.

 

“What?” Bilbo’s eyes widened innocently.

 

“Shut up,” Fili mumbled.

 

They liked to joke about it being ‘genetic’.

 

“I don’t have time to date. I’ve got too much bloody work.”

 

Bilbo laughed. “You need more friends. Loser.”

 

“I’m not a loser!” Fili protested. “I’m just busy.”

 

“Too busy for a girlfriend? There’s one I haven’t heard before.” Bilbo winked cheekily before Fili could reply, his retort getting lost even as he opened his mouth. Instead, he grinned.

 

“Very funny.”

 

“I know right.” Bilbo ruffled his hair. “Anyway. Best be off, you’re not the only one with things to do!”

 

“Laundry doesn’t count.”

 

The sound of Bilbo’s chuckles followed him as he headed upstairs to shower.

 

…….

 

Fili heard the car pull in about half an hour later. He glanced outside, from his window he could just see the tail end of Thorin’s slate-grey Volkswagen. He put down his pen and went downstairs, where Bilbo was waiting in the hall, wringing his hands nervously.

 

“They’ve arrived,” he said unnecessarily, stealing a glance at the front door. “I don’t know if we should… well-“

 

“It’ll be fine dad,” Fili assured him, placing a hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

 

Bilbo looked up at him and gave a brief smile. “Yes. I know - thanks. I’ll just go and put the kettle on.”

 

Fili followed him into the kitchen. Over the hum of the kettle bubbling to life and the light chinks of china as Bilbo fiddled with teacups, he heard the door open and close, low voices, and the sound of two people moving down the hall.

 

Bilbo turned as two people appeared in the doorway, smile fixed on his face. “Hello Kili. Welcome, it’s good to see you.”

 

“Hi Uncle Bilbo,” Kili replied in a voice that sounded like he’d been instructed to be polite. He didn’t go in for a hug, but stuffed his hands even deeper into his coat pockets.

 

“Sorry we’re late,” Thorin told him, moving past Kili to drop a kiss on Bilbo’s cheek in greeting. “We stopped for a bite to eat on the way, Kili said he didn’t have any breakfast.”

 

“Oh my,” Bilbo turned wide eyes on him. “Well, I’ve just put the kettle on, would you like a cup of tea?”

 

“I’m fine thanks,” the boy replied.

 

“Really, tea, we could do coffee if you like?”

 

“I’m fine,” he repeated, shifting on his feet and glancing around. His eye fell on Fili.

 

“You remember your cousin, Fili,” Thorin said gently. Fili raised his hand in a half wave.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hi.”

 

Neither of them elaborated.

 

“Could you show Kili where his room is?” Bilbo prompted and Thorin immediately moved across the room to grab Kili’s case.

 

“It’s fine, I can get it-” But Thorin was already halfway down the hall, Kili following a metre or so behind him. Bilbo flapped his hands, eyebrows raised expectantly, and Fili, taking the hint, followed.

 

He hopped up the steps, two at a time, swinging round the bannister at the top and followed the sound of Thorins’ voice to the second room on the right, relegated as Kili’s new bedroom.

 

“…the house is a bit small, this used to be my study so sorry it’s not quite bedroom-y yet. We’ve ordered a proper wardrobe, it’s arriving tomorrow.”

 

Kili just nodded.

 

“Uuh.” Thorin appeared to be racking his brains for anything else he needed to say. “We’ve enrolled you in the local school down the road. It’s called Pemberton, Fili went there too.”

 

“It’s nice,” Fili offered.

 

“Yes.” Thorin reached up to scratch the back of his neck, something Fili knew he did when he couldn’t think of anything to say and felt awkward. “Anyway, Fili’s probably the best person to tell you about it. I’ll leave you two to get reacquainted. I mean, get to know each other,” he half babbled the last words and brushed past Fili out of the room.

 

A small silence fell as they heard his heavy footsteps clunking down the stairs. Fili smiled, trying to look friendly. Kili appraised him.

 

“So whose are you?”

 

“What do you mean?” Fili asked, a little thrown by the question.

 

“Whose are you? I would have said Bilbo’s, cos you’ve not got the dark hair, but you’ve got Thorin’s eyes for sure.”

 

“I’m adopted,” Fili told him.

 

Kili didn’t reply, just grunted and jerked his chin in understanding. He drummed his fingers on the hem of his coat. “So the school. Is it really nice?” he asked casually.

 

“Yeah, it’s great.” Fili leaned against the door frame, and crossed his arms. “I was there the whole of middle and high school. I had a blast.”

 

Kili hummed. “What do you do now then?”

 

“I’m at uni.”

 

“Where, here?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“Brainy,” Kili commented. Fili inclined his head. “When do you graduate?”

 

“Actually…” Fili mumbled. “I already did. Last year. I’m doing my masters now.”

 

Kili’s eyes narrowed.

 

“My mum always said we were only four years apart.”

 

“We are. I left school early,” he explained.

 

Kili raised his eyebrows. “Damn. You are brainy.”

 

Fili shrugged. “Not really.”

 

Kili let out a breath that made the tendrils of hair on his forehead jump and shiver. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and his eye caught on the photograph on the bedside table.

 

“Bilbo found it this morning. Thought it might be nice to take a trip down memory lane,” Fili said, as Kili stared at the two children frozen on the small square.

 

“Where the hell was this?” Kili sounded almost angry, Fili wasn’t sure why.

 

“Richmond Park, I think.”

 

“I don’t remember,” Kili said dismissively. He held the photo up to Fili. “What was I, like three?”

 

“Maybe four.” Fili took the photo and looked at it. “You were pretty tiny.”

 

Kili sighed again, drumming his fingers on the duvet. “I think I’m gonna unpack.”

 

“Sure.” Fili pushed off the doorway and stood there awkwardly for a second. “I’ll - leave you to it.”

 

“Thanks.” Kili closed the door behind him as Fili made his way back to his room. He dropped the photo on his desk and stared at it, marvelling at time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lunch, and the next day

Bilbo’s soft voice calling up the stairs a few hours later heralded lunch. Fili wondered why Bilbo’s voice was so quiet, when usually he’d just holler Fili’s name from wherever he was in the house, but as Fili descended he realised Bilbo mustn’t want to create a noisy atmosphere for Kili. He also noticed the table had been laid a little more carefully, the placemats perfectly centred, knifes and forks laid meticulously neatly next to them. Fili had the feeling his cousin wouldn’t appreciate them - from what he’d seen so far, Kili seemed like a grumpy sod, but he chided himself, maybe he was jumping to conclusions.

 

Kili came downstairs. He’d finally shed his black woollen coat and had an equally grim black t-shirt, emblazoned with a spiky logo of a band no one had ever heard of. It had a few holes in it but Fili was pretty sure they’d been put there on purpose. He saw Thorin eyeing it sideways, trying not to look affronted or taken aback as he ladled soup into everyone’s bowls.

 

“You could go to the pool this afternoon,” Bilbo tried bravely, smiling kindly at the two boys sitting next to each other on the same side of the table. “It would be fun.”

 

“I’m not much of a swimmer,” Kili muttered.

 

“Or you could go take a walk around the green. Fili could show you around town.”

 

“It looks like it might rain later,” Thorin noted, glancing out of the window. Fili glanced outside too, and felt a surge of affection for his dark-haired dad as he saw Kili’s unamused looking face, knowing Thorin was trying to save Bilbo some embarrassment.

 

“Well, maybe that’s a good thing, give you a chance to settle in properly,” Bilbo amended. Kili gave a brief, almost imperceptible nod, but didn’t reply.

 

——————

 

The next day dawned sunny and dry, if a little cold. Bilbo insisted they go out.

 

“Maybe go to the cinema and grab lunch or something,” he suggested, stuffing some money in Fili’s hands. “Get him out and about a bit.”

 

“I don’t think he’s really interested,” Fili protested.

 

“It’ll be good for him,” Bilbo insisted. “And good for you too. You can’t spend your whole time holed up in your room working.”

 

It was hard to argue with that.

 

Before they left, Thorin cleared his throat and handed Kili a handful of notes.

 

“Treat yourselves to a bit of shopping. Some new clothes might be nice,” he hinted.

 

Fili wanted to cringe at the dark look Kili cast him, at what he clearly interpreted as a jab at his fashion choices - t-shirts emblazoned with skulls weren’t exactly Thorin’s thing.

 

They left the house and walked down the street in silence. Fili began pointing out things as they made their way along the river path, gesturing at the punts and pointing at some of his favourite haunts. Kili said nothing.

 

“This is my college,” Fili pointed out. He felt a flush of victory at finally getting a reaction as Kili’s eyes widened at the sight of King’s College, the magnificent white building framed by immense gates opening onto an immaculate emerald lawn. But the look was gone as quickly as it had come, Kili giving a snort and stuffing his hands into his pockets.

 

The weekend market was still on so they wandered around the stalls. Fili gave up trying to make small talk. It seemed Kili only spoke when he wanted to, and most of what Fili said was met with a short reply or a grunt.

 

They finally ran out of things to see at the market. Fili led them back onto the high street, racking his brains for more ideas, wondering how likely Kili would agree to go on a punt ride down the river, when Kili stopped.

 

“Look, you don’t have to babysit me all afternoon. I’ll be fine. This place is tiny, I won’t get lost.”

 

Fili was filled with conflicting feelings of irresponsibility and relief. “You’ll be ok for lunch?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll just go to Gregg’s or something.”

 

“If you’re sure.”

 

“I’ll be fine.” Kili flashed him a brief smile, the unexpected genuineness there surprising him, before Kili then turned and headed down the street. Fili wandered away in the opposite direction, thinking how he could extend his procrastination - the thought of returning home so early and facing his thesis was not appealing. He mulled around the shops, musing over some stationary and treating himself to some pick-and-mix from his favourite old-fashioned sweet shop. For lack of anything else to do, he dropped by the pub he worked at, even though he didn’t usually work weekends, and was glad he had as Bofur breathed a sigh of relief as he arrived, shoving an apron into his hands and saying they were understaffed and overrun with customers on a busy Sunday.

 

Fili worked for a few hours, grabbing a few bites of lunch as the afternoon wore on, until the ruckus had died down and the hoards of noisy families and their messy offspring had left, replaced with calmer clientele winding down the day with a relaxing pint. Fili took his leave, waving away Bofur’s excessive thanks, and joking that he was expecting a raise.

 

“Where’s Kili?” Bilbo demanded, almost angrily as Fili entered the house alone.

 

“He wanted to be alone for a bit,” Fili told him. “He said he could do his shopping on his own.”

 

Bilbo sighed. “Poor lad. Where have you been?”

 

“I stopped off at Bofur’s. Glad I did, he needed the help. The pub gets so busy on weekends.”

 

But Bilbo wasn’t listening. “I hope he doesn’t get lost. And I don’t want him on the streets at night on his own -”

 

“He’ll be fine, he’s from London, this place won’t be a problem of him,” Fili insisted, repressing the urge to roll his eyes. He stretched. “I guess I’ve procrastinated enough,” he said gloomily. “Back to work.”

 

Kili got back just before it got dark. There was no way the clothes he had bought would have cost all the money Thorin had given him. But Thorin didn’t ask and Kili didn’t offer any other explanation.

 

Kili went back to his room and didn’t come out until it was dinnertime. After dinner he refrained from joining them for the traditional after-dinner TV, and they heard his bedroom door click shut behind him. Bilbo nudged Thorin.

 

“I think he’s been crying. His eyes looked so red. How was he with you today, Fili?”

 

Fili was taken aback. “He seemed fine. Just wanted to be alone, I think.”

 

“Poor lad, I bet he’s homesick. And I bet he’s nervous about starting school tomorrow.”

 

Fili hadn’t gotten that impression. Although he did have another idea.

 

After a few rounds of the family’s favourite game show, he went upstairs and knocked softly on Kili’s door. There was a mumble, which Fili took to mean he could enter.

 

Kili was laying on his back on the bed with his eyes closed, iPod on the table next to him blaring music. Fili hovered.

 

“Hey. Did you have a good time today?”

 

“Yeah. It was fine.”

 

“Did you… smoke up before coming to dinner?”

 

“So?” It was neither an affirmation nor a denial, but his answer gave Fili the answer he needed.

 

“Whatever helps you sleep, man,” he muttered, shutting the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all/any comments/kudos appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who's commented and left kudos, it's always really encouraging!! i know all writers say this but we honestly love hearing any feedback and suggestions you've got :)

Fili drummed his fingers on the desk, impatiently waiting for the printer to finish spitting out pages. He checked his watch, wishing the blasted thing would hurry up. “C’mon, c’mon, _c’mon_!”

 

He bounded down the stairs, shouldering his jacket as he went. “Don’t run!” Bilbo called automatically, looking up quickly and seemingly relieved to realise it was Fili. “Where are you headed?”

 

“Got a meeting with my supervisor. I’m late.”

 

“Good luck. Have you seen Kili?”

 

“Isn’t he back from school?”

 

“He should be.” Bilbo glanced at the clock. “Classes ended a while ago. If you see him-“

 

“Sure!” Fili yelled his shoulder, halfway out the door.

 

—————

 

The wonderful thing about Cambridge was its beauty, Fili thought to himself.

 

A few months ago when he had his fortnightly meetings with his supervisor at this same time, he would be wearing about twenty more layers and it would already be dark, but the days were getting longer, and the sun was still in the sky, albeit hinting towards the west, soon to cast long golden shadows over the wide lawns and bathe the already magnificent buildings in warm orange light. Spring was definitely on its way. There wasn’t even a chilly wind to mar his mood.

 

His meeting had been heartening, his supervisor smiling as she scanned over the draft he handed her and congratulating him, saying it was good. She wasn’t even mad he was late. She gave him a few more books, a few more authors to look up, and even suggested he was almost done, which Fili knew was a lie but he appreciated anyway.

 

He crossed gravel drive and strode through the gates, deciding to take the long route across the park to get home. He liked the feeling of grass under his boots - soft grass, no longer stiff with frost crunching under his feet. The lawns were dappled with people - couples nestled on benches, walking dogs, bunches of students lounging with coffee in cardboard cups. He waved at a few people he knew, but didn’t stop to chat. His eye fell on a group of young people he vaguely recognised a year or two below him, and to his surprise, a dark-haired head he knew. They watched him, almost warily, as he walked over.

 

“Hey Kili.”

 

Kili looked up. “Hello.”

 

“Bilbo was wondering where you were.”

 

“Oh yeah.” Kili didn’t elaborate.

 

“Classes ended a while ago,” Fili hinted. “He was a bit worried.”

 

“What is this, curfew?” one of the students sniggered, and a few others tittered. Kili grinned, then looked up at Fili.

 

“Why do you call him Bilbo? Why don’t you just call him dad?”

 

Fili didn’t take the bait; he knew Kili was just trying to look cool in front of his new friends.

 

“It probably gets confusing,” one of the others butted in. “If you call them both daddy.”

 

They snickered again. Kili didn’t take his eyes off Fili - his lips twitched. Fili almost made a retort about if his new friends knew he was still at school but refrained, narrowly. “Just make sure you’re back for dinner,” he shot at Kili, turned, and made his way back home.

 

“How was your meeting?” Bilbo asked. He looked up from his laptop, still in the same stool he’d been sitting in when Fili had left - he ran an online bakery delivery, and business was booming. Recently he and his partner Bombur had started talking about acquiring proper premises to keep up with the orders. Fili could see neat columns of names and numbers in Bilbo’s Precious-Red-Notebook-Which-No-One-Must-Touch-On-Pain-Of-Death, and a growing list of ingredients next to it on the counter.

 

“Fine.” All the positive feelings he’d felt as he left his meeting had vanished. “I saw Kili. He was on the green, I told him to be back for dinner.”

 

He didn’t wait for a reply, just grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and headed upstairs before Bilbo could ask him what’s the matter.

 

They had started cooking by the time Kili got back, coming in through the back door. He looked mildly surprised to see them there for a split second, as if he’d not expected to see anyone on his way back in, before his face smoothed back to its usual passive, bored expression.

 

“You’re back, just in time. Where have you been?” Bilbo asked lightly.

 

“With some friends.”

 

Fili didn’t look up, but from Bilbo’s voice alone he could imagine how Bilbo’s face brightened. “Oh, that’s lovely! What did you do?”

 

“Just hung out.” Fili pursed his lips and focused on chopping the carrots in front of him. “I think I’m gonna have a shower,” he heard Kili say, then felt him brush past and heard his footsteps on the stairs.

 

Kili took a long shower, and by the time he emerged dinner was on the table. He ate with gusto, seeming to enjoy his food a lot more than he ever had before, even taking second helpings of chocolate brownie dessert. Bilbo was pleased, but regarded him carefully with a worried look in his eye. After dinner, he sidled up to Thorin.

 

“He’s been crying again. Did you see his eyes? They were so red. Poor boy, I do hope he’s settling in.”

 

Fili gritted his teeth and held his tongue.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was one of those nights when everything and nothing was happening.

It was one of those nights when everything and nothing was happening. Drum and bass beats were pounding over a chasm of silence, making his chest vibrate with the force and volume of them. Fili felt like his heart was going to explode. It seemed no amount of alcohol would get him drunk enough for this tonight. People jostled him from every side, and the flashing lights were starting to give him a headache. Fili stared into his glass, wondering if he was getting too old for this.

 

He edged around the crowd of drunk students amassed around the bar, trying not to spill the drinks cradled in his arms. He made it to the safety of a free table and glanced around - last time he’d seen his friends they’d been on the dance floor. He hadn’t really been in a dancing mood, so volunteered to go to the bar and get refills. A waste of time, he thought grumpily, staring around and seeing only strangers. He hated this bit – when you left for one second and everyone else was never seen ever again. Clubbing was well overrated.

 

Yep, he was definitely getting too old for this.

 

He was about to send a text in the vague hope one of his useless friends would check their phones when he heard familiar voices and turned to see two faces he recognised.

 

“Thank you,” Tauriel sang, taking a hasty sip from her drink. “Ori, no, don’t go over there, you’re drunk.”

 

“But he’s _pretty_ ,” Ori pouted, dragging his eyes reluctantly from the muscly man he’d been heading towards on the dance floor.

 

“Urgh, why are all my friends gay and horny?” Tauriel groaned. Fili took a surreptitious sip of his mojito.

 

He almost knocked out a tooth out when a body slammed into him. He would have slipped if the floor hadn’t been so sticky it was practically cementing his feet in place, but half of his drink slopped over the edge of his glass, splashing on his jeans. He turned to glare at the girl mascara smeared around her eyes, her friend clearly trying desperately to hold her upright (freshers, undoubtedly).

 

“Sorry!”

 

Fili gave them a tight-lipped unamused smile as Ori roared with laughter, watching her friends escort her away.

 

“I’m getting too old for this,” he muttered.

 

“You’re twenty-one, hardly geriatric,” Tauriel told him.

 

For no apparent reason the DJ decided to raise the volume another thousand decibels, to the delight of the whooping crowd. Fili scowled.

 

“I hate this music,” he shouted in Tauriel’s ear over the bedlam. “How could anyone make this up and call it anything but noise?”

 

But Tauriel wasn’t listening. She nudged him hard, interrupting his rant. “Over there. Hottie checking you out at ten o’clock.”

 

Fili scanned the general direction, his eyes halting as he saw what she must mean - a dark-haired positive _god_ of a man was staring at him. The smoulder in those bottomless eyes was enough to make his knees weak.

 

“Still too old for this?” Tauriel smirked.

 

“My my,” Ori slurred. He slumped against their table, batting his eyes in an attempt at looking seductive.

 

“Not for _you,_ Ori.” Tauriel elbowed him.

 

“Oh.” Ori looked disappointed. “I want to dance!” he declared, ice cubes rattling in his now empty glass as he shoved it across the table and grabbed Tauriel’s hands. “I want to make him jealous, then maybe he’ll like me instead.”

 

Ori’s logic was faultless. Fili took another self-conscious sip of his drink, trying to pretend he couldn’t feel the eyes still burning into him. He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t enjoying the attention. He watched his friends, pink and blue lights catching on their ginger hair. It wouldn’t be long before they were grinding on each other and he would have to pretend he didn’t know them. He sneaked a look around for his dark-haired admirer but the place he’d been standing was empty. Fili tried to suppress the wave of disappointment that washed over him as he raised his glass again, still half-heartedly scanning the crowd.

 

A flash of another dark-haired head whipping from side to side suddenly caught his attention. Fili realised with a jolt that it was Kili. What was he doing here?

 

Fili tried to make himself as small as possible as he squeezed his way over. Kili was wearing tight jeans and a low-cut black v-neck. Clingy clothes, he looked as comfortable in them as if he’d worn them all his life. He was swaying to the music, shaking his head and rocking into the music as the beat dropped.

 

Fili had to shout above the noise to be heard. He was about to give up but then noticed something was _wrong_. Their arms were too loose, laughing too loud, eyes too bright.

 

One of Kili’s friends noticed him at last and tapped Kili on the shoulder. Kili turned, eyes like saucers, pupils were blown wide, the club lights reflecting like stars in their giant depths.

 

He was so high he couldn’t even be bothered to be rude. He just smiled.

 

“Kili, what the fuck are you on?”

 

“Mandy!”

 

Fili glared at the boys around, most of whom smiled docilely back. “Did one of these guys give it to you?”

 

“Did we give it to him?” One of the boys started laughing, and a couple of the others joined in. “He gave it to _us_ more like!”

 

Fili turned to see Kili’s affirmative grin, and didn’t wait to drag him away from the crowded floor. Outside it was chilly, the music numbed as the heavy door thudded shut behind them.

 

“Didn’t know you liked to party,” Kili said breezily.

 

“‘You gave it to them, more like?’” Fili demanded.

 

Kili shrugged. “I had extra. I don’t mind sharing.” He eyed him. “Why, you want some?”

 

“No thanks,” Fili replied icily. “You know it’s illegal?”

 

“It’s fine,” Kili insisted, flapping his arm out of Fili’s grip. “Done it hundreds of times before.”

 

“You’ve - what?” Fili stared at him. “Come on, we’re going home,” he growled.

 

“Why do you have to be such a wanker?” Kili was rapidly coming down from his high, the cold air and Fili’s anger sobering him up.

 

“How did you even get in? You’re underage!”

 

“As if that’s a problem,” Kili scoffed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, cupping the end in his palms as he lit it.

 

“Where do Thorin and Bilbo think you are?”

 

“Told them I’m staying at a friend’s.” Kili took a long, deep pull. “What, it’s not a lie,” he retorted, seeing the look on Fili’s face.

 

“I don’t think this is what they meant.”

 

“You gonna tell me off? You’re not my dad.”

 

They stared at each other for a second, Kili leaning against a lamppost. He exhaled luxuriously, looking up at the stars.

 

“Fine. Do what you want. I’m going home.” Fili turned on his heel and stalked into the night, realising he hadn’t even picked up his jacket only when he saw the goosebumps risen on his arms like hackles.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two pairs of brown eyes.

“Hey.”

 

Fili looked up, startled. He suddenly lost interest in the book whose blurb he was pursuing, finding himself engulfed by some very familiar dark, smouldering eyes. “Hello?”

 

“Do I know you from somewhere?”

 

“I think you know you do.” Fili swallowed, hoping this tall dishy stranger couldn’t tell how dry his mouth had suddenly become. _Dishy?_ He was turning into his dad.

 

“Yeah, um, sorry about that.” He shifted, looking embarrassed. “I was a bit drunk and I kind of - stare when I’m drunk. Sorry if it freaked you out.”

 

“It takes more than that to freak me out,” Fili grinned. The other man cocked his head, peering at the book Fili was holding. 

 

“What you reading?”

 

Fili made a face and held it up: _A History of Heretodox Political Economic Thought in Britain._ “It’s not for fun. It’s for my thesis. The library doesn’t have it so I have to buy it myself.”

 

The dark-haired man whistled. “You must be smart as fuck. I don’t think I even understand the title of that.”

 

“Then maybe you should get this.” Fili turned back to the shelf and held up _Economics for Dummies_. The man chuckled, looking at it for a second before gesturing to the thin tomes in his other hand.

 

“I think I’ll stick with these, thanks. I’m more of a poetry man myself.”

 

“Are you a student too?”

 

“Yes. I study English. I’m Bard, by the way.”

 

“Appropriate,” Fili quipped. Bard smiled.

 

“My parents can foretell the future, it seems. And you’re…?”

 

“Fili,” he said hurriedly.

 

Bard cocked his head, looking amused.  “Do you by any chance want to get coffee, Fili? If you’re not too busy with your big brain.”

 

“Only if you’ll let me pay, given your apparently scarce knowledge of money.”

 

Bard laughed. “You’re cute. You know what, scrap coffee. I’d rather do dinner. I’ll agree to let you pay if you let me pick the place.”

 

“Deal.”

 

Fili’s heart felt like a helium balloon as he relayed his number. They parted ways twenty minutes later outside the bookshop.

 

“See you soon.” Bard gave him a wink and a wave. Fili walked down the pavement feeling like he had springs on his feet _._ He was filled with the childish desire to walk on the curb pretending to be a tightrope walker like he did when he was a kid. Deciding that skipping would be no more socially acceptable, he strolled as normally as he could to Bofur’s tavern.

 

“Hey there, blondie,” Bofur greeted as Fili entered. “You know your shift starts at one, right?”

 

“I know, just thought I’d come in early to do some work. Well, to read. And to make use of my employee discount,” he hinted.

 

“I’ll ask Bombur to bring up some chips,” Bofur assured him.

 

“Thanks.”

 

It was a beautiful sunny day, the first nice day they’d had for ages. Fili found his eyes straying to the window, book abandoned as he watched the sunlight glinting off the cobbles and the people milling by. It was the first day he’d seen people wearing sunglasses. He munched on his chips, thoughts straying.

 

“Oi, Mr Daydream,” Bofur called, chuckling as Fili visibly started. “It’s five to one.”

 

Fili gathered up his coat and his book (resolving at least get past the first chapter when he got home), dumped them both in the back room and donned his apron. It was pretty quiet being a weekday, but a few people wandered in and ordered lunch. Fili served them, and leaned back against the bar, his thoughts drifting again.

 

Fili heard the door open and glanced up casually, doing a double take at a familiar face. The dark eyes brightened.

 

“Looks like we'll be doing coffee after all,” Bard laughed.

 

“Small world. How’s that for chance?”

 

“Or luck.” Bard’s eyes twinkled.

 

“What can I get you?”

 

“Cappuccino, please.”

 

Bofur placed a second mug onto Fili’s tray, giving him a knowing smile. “I can handle this. You go sit.”

 

“You’re a mate,” Fili whispered.

 

“So, you work here?” Bard asked as Fili sat down in front of him.

 

“Yup. Do you come here often?”

 

“No, it’s my first time.”

 

“I’d recommend the burgers. Bofur in the kitchen’s got an insane recipe he tells no one, not even his own brother.”

 

“I’ve already eaten, but I’ll remember that for next time.” Bard smiled and Fili’s heart jumped at the phrase ‘next time’. Bard raised his coffee to his mouth. “Wow. This is wonderful.”

 

“I learned from the best,” Fili replied, smiling at Bofur behind the bar. Bofur winked roguishly and mouthed ‘ _score!’_ , thrusting his hips suggestively behind Bard’s back. Fili averted his eyes hastily.

 

Bard took another sip of his coffee and closed his eyes with a sigh. “Seriously, I could get used to this. Waking up in the morning would never be so hard if I had one of these to look forward to.”

 

“That can be arranged.” The words left Fili’s mouth before he could stop them. He was about to wish the floor would open up and swallow him whole when Bard laughed. Fili grinned into his own mug, secretly relieved.

 

He looked out of the window, the irresistible sunshine drawing his eye. The street was more crowded now, some people were even in tshirts. Meandering couples, the occasional busy shopper on a mission, families with children too young to go to school, a pair of familiar brown eyes flashing at him suddenly before they were gone, lost in the haze of black-clad university students.

 

For the second time that day, Fili did a double take.

 

“What’s wrong?” Bard asked.

 

Fili’s eyes narrowed. “Nothing,” he replied.

 

——————

 

Fili was late getting back, in part due to Bofur’s relentless teasing after Bard went home. Fili stayed an extra hour to make up for his time off, and it was past six when he finally left the pub. He was surprised to see his father’s car on the drive as he approached the house.

 

“You’re back early.”

 

Thorin looked up from hanging his coat up in the hall. “Work was easy today. You’re late though.”

 

“I stayed a bit after my shift ended. I - got a bit waylaid with a friend.”

 

“Typical Tauriel,” Thorin chuckled fondly. “She can talk the hind leg off an elephant that one, never mind a donkey.”

 

“It wasn’t Tauriel,” Fili muttered. “It was um - someone else.”

 

“A _boy_ someone else?”

 

“Maybe,” Fili muttered. His stomach conveniently chose that moment to rumble, and he took the excuse to head to the kitchen, suddenly aware that he was starving. To his dismay, Thorin followed him.

 

“What’s this I hear about a boy?” Bilbo’s ears were like bats at the best of times. His smile was positively impish as he regarded Fili from his seat at the breakfast bar, red notebook and laptop splayed in front of him as always.

 

“Can we drop it please?” Fili opened the fridge and pretended to look for some juice to hide his suddenly blushing cheeks.

 

Bilbo and Thorin exchanged a supercilious look, eyebrows raised in tandem. “Touchy!”

 

“Leave me alone,” Fili grumbled. He took a swig of juice.

 

“How was your day, hot date aside?”

 

“Fine. Boring.”

 

“Good. So when is hot date number two?”

 

“ _Dad_ ,” Fili groaned. Thorin could be relentless.

 

“Alright, I’ll stop.”

 

“Thank god.” Fili took another swig of juice and pulled a block of cheese towards him.

 

“Don’t fill up, I’m making curry tonight,” Bilbo ordered.

 

“Just one weeny sandwich?” Fili pleaded. Bilbo glowered at him for a second then relented.

 

“If you must. But that goes for both of you!” Bilbo added, glaring at Thorin, who put down the biscuit tin, looking chagrined.

 

“Did you get those books you needed by the way?” he asked.

 

“Yup.” Fili pulled four slices of bread out of the bread bin. “I thought I saw Kili in town earlier,” he added, trying to sound casual.

 

“Yes.” Bilbo sounded nonplussed. He looked up, seeing Fili and Thorin’s blank faces staring back at him. “He said he wasn’t feeling very well today. He didn’t look up for school so I let him take the day off. He said a bit of fresh air might make him feel better.”

 

Given his track record, Fili was pretty sure the last thing Kili would be getting was ‘fresh air’.

 

“I think he had a bug or something. He was a bit ill this morning.”

 

Fili and Thorin exchanged glances.

 

“He’s very independent,” Bilbo added, almost defensively.

 

If Fili or Thorin thought Kili’s bug sounded suspiciously like a hangover, neither of them said it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you didn't mind the extra long chapter! thanks everyone for your comments/kudos so far, everything is appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's date, Part 1

A few days later, Fili’s friends were talking about an anti-Valentines Day gig happening at one of Cambridge’s more low-key and off-the-beaten-track underground clubs. Fili tagged along, mainly at Bilbo’s insistence (“You’ve been cooped up in there all day! have some _fun_ for once!”) practically pushing him out of the door. Even though it wasn’t usually his sort of music, he found himself enjoying it, even staying on for the DJ who came on afterwards. He wasn’t really into the whole rave scene but his friends were having a good time and he was too.

 

“This is meant to be an anti-Valentines party!” He and Ori giggled uncontrollably as Tory rolled her eyes, pretending to gag behind the back of a couple with their tongues down each others’ throats. “And finally they come up for air…” Fili laughed, but the smile was wiped off his face when he realised it was Kili.

 

Minutes later he turned around to see Kili locked in the arms of someone else. As he watched, Kili and the blond girl unwound themselves, and Kili turned to meld his mouth with that of a boy standing right behind him. He was being passed around like a beach ball, although no one seemed to be forcing him. Half an hour later they had all gone. Fili tried hard not to think about where they went.

 

Fili went home. He stayed awake, unintentionally on edge and alert for the sounds of the door opening and someone creeping up the stairs. But the sounds never came.

 

Kili looked debauched and dishevelled when Fili saw him the next morning, and the most-definately-not-school-uniform scarf around his neck confirmed Fili’s worst thoughts.

 

\------- 

 

It didn’t take long for Fili to realise Kili was going out most nights, though Bilbo and Thorin seemed to notice nothing. Kili never mentioned anything, but he appeared tired at breakfast, the scarf slipping to reveal fresh bruises, sucked in the night before, a lingering smell of cigarettes and booze and who knew what else buried in his very pores. It seemed glaringly obvious to Fili even if his uncles were oblivious, Bilbo feeling Kili’s forehead and tutting, wondering if he was coming down with the flu. Fili knew they locked the door every night and Kili hadn’t been given a key, so he could only presume Kili was sneaking out through his bedroom window.

 

Fili determined not to let thoughts of his errant cousin bother him, even though the thought of Kili’s ungratefulness made his blood boil. What was bothering him more was the fact that he had spent half an hour practically upturning his entire wardrobe and was still struggling to decide what to wear.

He was almost late, checking his watch and seeing the hour hand dangerously close to eight as he bounded down the stairs.

“Good lu-uck,” Bilbo sang, sending him with a wink.

 

“Where are you going?” Kili asked.

 

“Fili’s got a date,” Bilbo informed him. Fili rolled his eyes at the glee in his voice.

 

“If he’s nice, you can meet him. But no promises, I know how you get when I bring a boy home.”

 

“Well, we always knew it was genetic,” Thorin teased.

 

Kili’s eyebrows furrowed, confused. “I thought you were adopted.”

 

“He is.” Thorin paused.

 

“That’s the point,” Fili interjected. He didn’t like having to explain his family jokes, which came so naturally to him and Thorin and Bilbo, to this stranger sitting at their dinner table, eating their food and sleeping in Thorin’s study. “I’m adopted. So we’re not genetically related, even if -” Kili’s face cleared and Fili gave up, sensing he had got it - or lost interest at any rate.

 

“If Fili’s going out, can I go out for a bit? There’s this party at one of the bars in town.”

 

“Um…” Bilbo began cautiously.

 

“I won’t be out late.”

 

“It’s still a school night. I’m really not sure it’s a good idea…”

 

Kili’s face darkened.

 

“We never let Fili go out on school nights,” Thorin interjected.

 

“He’s going out _tonight_.”

 

“It’s different. Fili’s at university.” Thorin glanced around at Bilbo for support, who rather unhelpfully busied himself with clearing the table.

 

“I’ve not got any assignments, I’ve barely got any classes tomorrow, it’s -“

 

“Not tonight, Kili,” Thorin said, his voice quiet but with a finality.

 

“Bye!” Fili blurted, sensing his time to leave had come and gone already.

 

They’d agreed to meet in front of the Waterstones where they’d met - a bit cheesy, Fili thought, but kind of sweet in its own corny way. Bard was already waiting when Fili jogged up beside him.

 

“Sorry I’m late,” he said, panting slightly. “Little bit of - family drama.”

 

“No worries,” Bard said easily, pushing off the wall he was leaning on. “The restaurant’s not far.”

 

“You know, when you said you could pick the place, I thought you’d pick somewhere more original than Ask Italia,” Fili voiced aloud when they stopped on the high street.

 

Bard eyed him sideways, a playful glint in his eyes. “You know, you’re not half sassy.”

 

Fili grinned, not sure if it was a compliment or not. He decided it must have been as Bard smiled, leading them to a cosy table by the window.

 

“And what will the future Chancellor of the Exchequer have?”

 

Fili rolled his eyes. “Be careful, or I’ll order lobster and champagne and then you’ll be sorry.”

 

“I thought you were the one paying,” Bard teased.

 

The evening was pleasant, conversation flowing easily over the meal, a healthy dose of flirting and wine accompanying the food. Fili, emboldened by the two glasses that now sat empty in front of him, stole a scoop of Bard’s ice-cream, giggling at Bard’s scandalized gasp. Fili almost choked when Bard reached over the table and squeezed his hand.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the rather abrupt ending - this is part 1 of a chapter that was originally very very long. part 2 will be up next week!
> 
> I have a confession – I am TERRIBLE at writing chapters. I’ve struggled with it in all my stories - honestly, I am awful. If I could write one big fat story with no breaks in it, I think I would. When I started off this story I tried SO HARD to make the chapters even, but I really couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t want to split up this chapter - but i did. and it was painful. And I fear there will be super-long chapters in this story to come which I really won't be able to bear splitting up. So I apologise in advance for what I know will be the erratic structure of this story. 
> 
> sorry for the mini-rant. ahem. hope you enjoyed the chapter, as usual kudos/comments/feedback all appreciated and make my day :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes off where the last chapter left off

Fili passed the rest of the meal desperately trying to resist the temptation to steal more of Bard’s dessert just to see where that would get him.

 

Back on the street, his tipsy heart leapt into his mouth when Bard captured his fingers with his own, twining them together.

 

“I know a bar we can go to if you don’t want to go home yet.”

 

The ‘bar’ was more of a club. There was a queue to get in but Fili didn’t mind, standing outside holding Bard’s hand. It was predictably packed inside. Fili let Bard lead him through the crowd, weaving through people to the front of the bar. In minutes he had a drink in his hand.

 

“First round’s on me.” Bard pressed a kiss on Fili’s cheek.

 

“Damn straight, I paid for dinner.”

 

Bard laughed, genuine mirth colouring the sound, chinking their bottles together and holding his gaze as they both took a swig. “Wanna dance?”

 

Fili was usually self-conscious, but with enough alcohol in his system he felt loose enough to nod. Bard was a good dancer and Fili tried to keep up. Bard nudged him closer.

 

“Loosen up,” he murmured. “You look really good.”

 

His hands were on Fili’s waist, their faces inches away from each other. Fili stopped caring, realising most of the people in here were too drunk to see let alone care what he was doing. He placed a hand on Bard’s hip, noting his smile of encouragement. Their lips were inches apart.

 

Over Bard’s shoulder, Fili’s eyes caught on someone who looked horribly familiar.

 

“I don’t fucking believe it,” Fili muttered.

 

“What is it?”

 

He was staring into Fili’s face, brows furrowed in concern.

 

“I – nothing. I think I need the bathroom,” Fili replied. He felt hot, suddenly, angry.

 

“Don’t get lost. I’ll wait for you.”

 

“Okay.” Fili fought through the packed dance floor, letting go of Bard’s hand as soon as he saw the bathroom door.

 

The faint smell of vomit and cheap bleach stung Fili’s nostrils as he splashed his face with cold water. He took a few deep breaths, trying to ignore the rage pounding in his skull, making him feel agitated and angry. _Why was he, how could he_ -? Fili shook his head, as if his thoughts were nothing but annoying flies. He wasn’t here for _him_ , he was here for Bard. Besides, he wasn’t even sure he’d seen right - it could have been anyone.

 

The bathroom door banged open suddenly, a lanky figure almost stumbling onto the floor.

 

“ _You!_ ” Kili’s eyes were unfocused as they landed on Fili. “What are youdoing here?” Fili growled. Kili was rapidly sinking onto the floor and Fili grabbed his shoulders to keep him upright.

 

“Hey cuz, howz your _date_?” he slurred.

 

“You’re wasted!”

 

“I’ll be fine in a minute.” Kili’s voice was growing steadier. He pushed Fili off him and staggered to the sink. Leaning heavily against it, he used his sleeve to wipe part of the counter dry, reaching into his pocket for a rolled-up train ticket and a little bag.

 

Kili tried push him off as Fili dragged him outside, pushing him up against the wall.

 

“First the mandy, now this? Doing lines in the bathroom?! Get a grip on yourself.”

 

“Get off!” Kili grabbed Fili’s wrists, but Fili held on, his knuckles turning white against the front of Kili’s thin tshirt.

 

“You listen to me, you go home right _now -“_

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“This is the last straw, Kili. You lied to their faces, if you do it one more time -“

 

“Shouldn’t you be with your date?” Kili asked slyly, his eyes drifting. Fili followed Kili’s gaze, his heart stopping as he saw Bard, his face carefully blank, watching everything.

 

“If you don’t want him, I’ll take him off you,” Fili thought he heard Kili murmur as his fists dropped from Kili’s shoulders.

 

“You go home _now_.”

 

“Or what?” Kili smirked.

 

Fili glared, even as voices erupted behind him, uneven and slurred. “Kili! There you are man, we thought we’d - oh.” The lumbering footsteps stopped abruptly. “The fun police have arrived.” The voice was a sneer.

 

Fili didn’t look back as he stormed across the club to where Bard was waiting.

 

“Everything all right?” Bard asked, his voice carefully controlled. Fili barely noticed.

 

“Wonderful,” he muttered. He took his beer from Bard, taking a few long gulps. The music was different now, and he felt no inclination to return to dancing. He sneaked a glance at the place he’d cornered Kili, noticing he was gone. As he watched, the bathroom door swung open, spilling out a few unsteady bodies and among them, of course, Kili. They were starry-eyed, laughing ecstatically, one or two of them rubbing their noses surreptitiously. Anger coursed through Fili again, and he took another swig of beer, almost spilling it through his half-clenched teeth, but it had turned warm and sickly in his sweaty palms and he pushed the bottle away deciding he’d had enough.

 

He leaned against the bar, digging his palms into his eyes. He felt a bit sick - he’d drank too much. He should have been more careful, more controlled, then his temper wouldn’t have got the better of him. Then again, he wasn’t expecting to see Kili _here,_ of all places, of all the clubs, and besides Kili was meant to be at home. Kili was a fool, but worst of all he was selfish. Selfish, and a liar, and frankly an _asshole_. No wonder his mother had sent him away.

Fili was so lost in his thoughts he barely noticed the awkward silence stretching painfully on and on.

 

“Forgive me for saying, but usually I’m quite offended if the guy I’m on a date with is more concerned about someone else in the room,” Bard said lightly.

 

“Sorry,” Fili muttered. “It’s just - he’s not meant to be out tonight.”

 

“What?”

 

“He’s my cousin,” Fili explained. “He’s living with us these days and - it’s a school night.”

 

Bard was regarding Fili with an unreadable look in his eyes. Fili released how square he sounded.

 

“I mean, it just bothers me. That he lies our faces.”

 

“Right.” Bard looked into the bottom of his bottle with pursed lips. The mood had suddenly soured. There was another painful pause. Fili knew he’d blown it.

 

“Look, hey, I’ve got to get up early,” Bard began.

 

“It’s okay,” Fili cut him off brusquely.

 

He’d never felt so boring in his life as they grabbed their coats and he followed Bard back outside.

 

“I’m this way,” Bard gestured down the high street on the left. “So - bye.” He gave Fili a perfunctory hug. Fili thought they might as well have shaken hands.

 

“I’ll see you around.”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

At least he didn’t say he’d call. Or lie and say that he’d had a good evening. Fili turned and headed down a side road on the right - truth be told, the quickest way home was down the same road Bard had taken, but no part of him wanted to exacerbate his misery by walking halfway home with his date on a night that had gone so disastrously wrong. He’d have to go down this road, double back, and take a detour through some back streets to get back to his parents’ house.

 

He stepped in a puddle in a dimly lit alleyway, which did nothing to better his mood. He kicked an empty can and it ricocheted off a skip with a satisfying clang, realising too late that in doing so he had probably disturbed everyone sleeping peacefully in their beds. Great. Now he was an asshole too.

 

Thankfully his parents hadn’t stayed up and the house was quiet and dark when he got in. Fili wasted no time climbing straight into bed; but though the alcohol was lulling his eyelids shut, his nerves were too frazzled to accept sleep so easily. His brain kept replaying the look on Bard’s face as he said, “I’ll see you around”. His first date, or anything close to it, for a year, and now he was lucky if Bard wouldn’t run away from him in the supermarket, let alone give him another chance. That had to be a record, even for him. Well. Fuck it. Plenty of fish in the sea. _Un de perdu, dix de retrouvés._

 

A loud bang reverberated around the room just as unconsciousness was ebbing on the shores of his mind and Fili sat bolt upright. It sounded like something slamming against the glass of his window. He was beginning to think he’d imagined it when it sounded again. Fili leaped out of bed and tore the curtains open, just as Kili let loose a handful of gravel, hitting the glass with a sound like torrential rain. Fili yanked it open.

 

“ _What are you doing?”_

“Cann’ get in,” Kili called. “Door’s locked.”

 

“Of course it is, it’s three o clock in the morning!”

 

“Let me in.”

 

“No!”

 

“C’mon, mate, I’m pissed,” Kili slurred.

 

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you went out without keys!” Fili snarled.

 

“Don’t have keys. Don’t need ‘em… A very useful tree I got next to my window.”

 

Fili’s lips tightened, his previous suspicions confirmed. He made to slam the window but Kili’s voice drifting upwards stopped him.

 

“If I fall and break my neck, _I_ won’t be the one feeling guilty.”

 

Fili seethed - was this blackmail? His pure twat of a cousin, four years younger than him no less, was _blackmailing_ him. “Go to the back door. I’ll be down in a second,” he growled, slamming the window shut.

 

Kili was sprawled on the neatly trimmed lawn when Fili unlocked the back door and shoved it open.

 

“Get up,” Fili hissed, stomping over to where his cousin lay, grabbing his forearms and pulling. Kili lurched to his feet.

 

“Not… feeling good…”

 

“In all honesty, I don’t care,” Fili muttered, letting go of Kili and letting him stumble after him towards the house.

 

Kili’s ungainly body crashed into the doorframe and he staggered against the counter, knocking over the blender and a ceramic pot of kitchen utensils. Fili grabbed them before Kili sent them crashing to the floor. “ _Careful!”_

“Fili?” Bilbo’s voice called from upstairs, half muffled in sleep. “Is that you?”

 

“Yes, dad!” Fili yelled, grabbing Kili’s waist to stop him crashing into something else. “Just getting a glass of water!”

 

Fili dragged Kili towards the hall, hoping to get him upstairs quickly and quietly to prevent raising his parents’ suspicions, but Kili grabbed the side of the granite counter and wouldn’t budge. “Want some water.”

 

“I’ll get you some when you’re upstairs, let’s go!” Fili hissed. He pulled at Kili with all his might but Kili lost his balance, his flailing hands sending a pile of drying pots clattering to the ground with an ear-splitting clang.

 

“Fili?” Bilbo’s voice was louder now, tinged with an edge of panic. Fili heard two pairs of heavy footsteps clunking down the stairs. “Fuck.”

 

“What is going on?” Bilbo demanded, closely followed by a yawning Thorin, both barefoot, hair sleep-tousled. “Who’s - Kili?”

 

“He’s not well,” Fili stated.

 

“Oh my goodness!” Bilbo squeaked, clutching his patchwork dressing gown tighter around him. “Does he need an ambulance?”

 

“No,” Thorin replied, with the sound of dawning realisation. “He’s drunk.”

 

Fili neither confirmed nor denied, but the stench of alcohol spoke for itself.

 

“Where has he been, Fili?” Thorin demanded, all traces of sleepiness gone.

 

“This isn’t _my_ fault!” Fili retorted hotly. “You think he’s not capable of getting into this sort of mess on his own?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Bilbo hurried over to Kili’s other side, grabbing his other arm. “Let’s just get him to bed.”

 

“Look at the state he’s in,” Thorin growled.

 

“Never mind that now, we can talk about it in the morning, the important thing now is to get him to bed before he-“

 

Kili vomited spectacularly all over the kitchen floor.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, all kudos/comments/etc welcomed :) X


	8. Chapter 8

 

Kili spent the whole of the next day in bed. Bilbo brought him up a Berocca and some plain crackers which came back downstairs, untouched.

 

The stench of vomit hadn’t entirely faded from the kitchen by the time Fili staggered downstairs, nursing a hangover of his own and on a mission to retrieve some aspirin when he overheard his parents sorrowful, whispered conversation.

 

“Maybe we were a bit harsh, Thorin.” Bilbo's voice was sad. “Maybe we should have let him go out - he said he didn’t have work to do, after all.”

 

“Maybe. But he still disobeyed us.”

 

“He’s just being a teenager, they’re always rebellious. Don’t you remember Fili at this age?”

 

“Fili was never like that,” Thorin said, sounding shocked.

 

\--------

They tried to have a few words, a gentle caution about the dangers of over-drinking, but far from the reasoned discussion Thorin and Bilbo had presumably envisioned, Kili went on the defensive; Kili angry was even worse than Kili apathetic.

 

Fili wasn’t surprised to see the familiar tired, debauched-looking Kili at breakfast a week later.

 

\--------

Kili’s dishevelled appearance reached new peaks that even Thorin and Bilbo couldn’t ignore. It didn’t take them long to realise Kili was sneaking out of his bedroom window almost every night. The row that followed was oscar-worthy, though Kili was the only one shouting.

 

The next day Thorin came into Fili’s room, a guilty look on his face and with the air of wanting to ask him something.

“No. _No._ He’s not sleeping in here.” The words were on the edge of coming out of Fili’s mouth but the wan look on Thorin’s face made them stick in his throat and instead, he nodded.

 

Kili was outraged when he came home and discovered his bed had been moved down the hall to Fili’s room and Thorin’s study had been returned to normal.

 

“You filthy sneak!” he hissed, rounding on Fili. “You’ve been ratting on me!”

 

“You’re not as subtle as you think you are,” Fili retorted dryly. “You think the bootmarks on the side of the house really weren’t giving away enough?”

 

Kili looked like he wanted to punch him. Instead, he stormed down the corridor and slammed the door to their now shared bedroom. Fili took a moment to reflect on the irony before he sighed and went downstairs.

 

The next day the letters arrived, telling them if Kili did not show up at school social services would be called and drastic measures would be taken.

 

“They’ve issued us a parenting order,” Bilbo said quietly, his voice shaking as he read the letter. “They want us to come in for _classes_.” He looked up to meet Fili’s eyes. “But he’s gone all day. Where is he going?”

 

For the first time Bilbo looked hurt, betrayed. Fili was so angry he could hardly speak.

 

\--------

 

It was only when Thorin threatened to walk him to his classroom every day to make sure he attended his classes that Kili reluctantly agreed to go back to school. Fili saw the group of students Kili hung around with from time to time, and was glad when he didn’t see his cousin’s dark-haired mop among them.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i struggled a bit trying to make this chapter convincing - it's tough writing arguments
> 
> as always, i love hearing your feedback :) X

In the weeks that followed, despite now sharing a room with barely two metres between their twin beds, Fili and Kili barely spoke to each other. Kili was still mad at what he perceived as Fili’s snobbishness and Fili was ready to tear his hair out he was so was fed up. He began to fantasise about when school would end and Kili would get a job somewhere far away from here and he’d hopefully never see him again.

 

Their longest exchange occurred when they bumped into each other in the park behind Kili’s school at lunchtime when Kili was taking a smoking break.

 

“What, fucking spying on me now?” he demanded furiously, throwing his half-unfinished cigarette at the redbrick wall, sending sparks trailing after it.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself!” Fili snarled, speeding up his pace.

 

Downstairs, where Bilbo and Thorin could see them, they attempted civility, with limited success. Other than that, their interactions were limited to brusque requests to “Turn the light off when you’re done,” and stoically ignoring each other as much as possible both in public and in private.

 

No one missed the tension bubbling between the two boys. Finally, Bilbo decided it was time for an intervention.

 

“We’re well due a spring clean!” he declared, thumping a pile of boxes onto the coffee table. The old photograph of Fili and Kili ten years ago fluttered onto the floor from the top of one of the boxes.

 

Kili and Fili looked at them with trepidation.

 

“These have been kicking around for far too long.” Bilbo dumped a heap of photo albums next to the boxes. “You can put them in albums for me. It should be fun, there’s lots of pictures from when you were little. Look, see.”

 

“Aren’t we a happy family,” Kili stated dryly, picking up one of the photos Bilbo was now spreading over the table and regarding it. Bilbo missed or ignored the sarcasm.

 

“Exactly! It’ll be fun.” Fili’s lip twitched.

 

“I’ve got work to do,” he tried, but with no real conviction of success.

 

“It won’t take long. Put some music on and you won’t even notice.” Bilbo dusted off his hands. “I’ll call you at teatime. And don’t think you’ll be leaving here till they’re done, mind,” Bilbo added shrewdly.

 

He gave them one last bright smile and left the room.

Fili sighed - he recognised Bilbo’s tone from his childhood, the one with the steely undertone, the one that usually proceeded _I mean it_.

 

Resigned, he pulled one of the boxes towards him and took off the lid. His own fat face greeted him, smiling toothily with a spoonful of yoghurt in one hand, the rest of the pot splattered all over his face. Without concentrating on it, he pulled it out and stuffed it as quickly as he could onto the first page of a blank album. He did the same with ten more, trying hard not to look at them or Kili. After about five minutes he allowed himself a brief glance upwards. Kili was on his phone, the rest of the boxes and albums still untouched on the table in front of him.

 

“Aren’t you going to do something?” Fili snapped.

 

Kili raised his eyes over his screen. “They’re _your_ family pictures, I’m hardly in any of these. Why should I have to do it?”

 

“You got them into trouble with the school. It’s the least you can do.”

 

“How is any of this _my_ fault?”

 

“You are such a dickhead,” Fili snarled. “Skipping school? Really?”

 

“I don’t need school. I don’t do well in institutions.”

 

“I don’t give a _fuck_. The fact is you got them in trouble, they have to go to parenting classes because of you, and after all they’ve done to help you.”

 

“School’s fucking shit. I should get a job or something, better that that hellhole. The headmaster’s a filthy fucking pervert anyway, no one gets decent grades unless they suck his dick.”

 

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Fili asked acidly. Kili’s head whipped up.

 

“Don’t you dare talk about my mother.”

 

“She’s my aunt, too.”

 

“Shut your mouth.”

 

“And that’s not true, what you just said.”

 

“I fucking know it is, can spot a perv like that from a mile off.”

 

Fili sighed. “Let’s just - get on with this? You know he meant it when he said we wouldn’t leave here till they were done.”

 

“Stop bossing me around.”

 

“You know what?” Fili demanded, a photo crumpling in his hand as he jumped to his feet. “I’ve had it with you! When are you going to stop making excuses and take some responsibility?”

 

“Responsibility,” Kili mocked. “Like doing a big fat boring thesis? Who needs a degree anyway.”

 

“Not that you’ll ever get one anyway with the way you behave,” Fili shot back. “The drugs and the lying and the skiving off? Do you ever think about anyone except yourself?”

 

“I do not have a drugs problem.”

 

“Oh? And what would you call it then? A relationship? A bit of fun?”

 

“Why don’t we talk about what this is really about, huh?” Kili snapped. Fili blinked, thrown. Kili went on. “You being bitter that I spoiled your chances with Little Mr Poetry?”

 

“How do you -“ Fili changed course. “How _dare_ you! This has nothing to do with - ”

 

“Oh, come on. It’s not like the pathetic void you call your sex life is exactly thanking me right now.”

 

“My sex life is none of your business!”

 

“Maybe if you loosened up a little you might actually get laid once in a while. It’s great, not that you’d know.”

 

“You little -“

 

Kili threw himself across the room and crushed their lips together. “How’d you like that, you fucker?” he spat.

 

Fili hit him.

 

——————

 

Bilbo glowered at them.

 

They’d been stoically ignoring eachother for the best part of an hour. Or at least Fili had been. He held an ice pack to his split lip but was still so angry he couldn’t bring himself to at least look remorseful even under the power of Bilbo’s glare. From behind his back, Kili, dazed and probably slightly high on painkillers, was glaring too, but whenever Fili accidentally caught his eye, he sent him kissing motions tauntingly.

 

They stayed like that for almost an hour before the front door opened, heralding Thorin’s return. Bilbo jumped to his feet. “Don’t move,” he warned them, and disappeared into the hall.

 

They heard Bilbo’s hushed frantic voice, Thorin’s low incomprehensible replies, many of which sounded like questions. Minutes later, they both came back into the sitting room. Thorin looked surprisingly calm, but Fili knew better than to be reassured. Thorin’s silent fury was almost worse than his wrath.

“What happened?”

 

It was a simple question. Thorin waited but neither of them replied. Fili’s glower intensified.

 

“Fili? Bilbo says he came in to see you two at each other’s throats. You’re lucky you didn’t break something by the sounds of it.”

 

Fili grunted, just to give Thorin a reply.

 

“That kind of fight doesn’t erupt out of nowhere. One minute you’re pretending each other doesn’t exist, the next minute you’re rolling on the floor like a couple of drunk hooligans.”

 

“He wound me up,” Fili replied shortly.

 

“Oh that’s nice,” Kili broke out. “Blame it on me, why don’t you?”

 

“Do you have a different story, Kili?” Thorin asked. Kili met his gaze but didn’t say anything. There was a long pause.

 

“Right,” Thorin muttered. “Then it’s bed. For both of you. Now.”

 

“But it’s seven o clock!” Fili protested.

 

“I don’t care. You go hungry, that’s your problem. I’m sure you’ll survive. Upstairs. Now!”

 

There was a stunned silence, then Kili pushed himself off the sofa abruptly and crossed the room without a backward glance at any of them. They heard his feet hitting the stairs, and the bedroom door slam behind him.

 

“How about you tell me what happened?”

 

Fili gritted his teeth.

 

“Well, you know where to go.”

 

Grimly resigned, Fili crossed the room and made his way up to his bedroom.

 

When he opened the door, the room was cold. Kili was hanging out of the window, a rollie glowing between his lips.

 

“Just spray some Febreze when you’re done,” Fili snapped. He flung himself into his desk chair and opened his laptop, shoving his headphones on to drown out any noise of Kili moving around the room behind him.

 

Later, when he was sure his parents had gone to bed, Fili sneaked downstairs to satiate his rumbling tummy. He brought his food back to his room, tearing open a bag of crisps and crunching on them a little louder than necessary. Kili was lying on his bed with his back to him; if he was disturbed by the noise, he didn’t show it. Fili munched loudly nonetheless, cracking open his can of iced tea with a satisfying snap and turning up the volume of the comedy show on his computer just enough so the tinny buzzing of his headphones would be audible to the rest of the room.

 

He couldn’t help a twinge of vindictive satisfaction when he saw Kili shifting out of the corner of his eye, shooting him a glare before shoving his pillow over his ears.

 

“Turn that thing down? I’ve got school tomorrow.”

 

Fili gave an incredulous laugh. “You’re using _that_ now?”

 

“Twat.”

 

“Dickhead.”

 

Kili huffed and threw himself back onto his side. Fili glowered at him for a few seconds, or what he could see of him with his back resolutely towards him, skinny shoulders and straggly unkempt hair.

 

“You’re poison,” he whispered. “Poison, just like the crap you pump into yourself every day in some form or other.”

 

“Spare me the preaching,” came Kili’s mutinous mutter.

 

They didn’t speak another word to each other for the rest of the night. Fili stayed awake as long as he could, persevered till his eyes were practically streaming from too much screen time and his stomach was roiling slightly from so many crisps, before he finally closed his laptop and gave in to sleep. 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

The end of spring was rapidly approaching - and with it, deadlines. Fili took to working in the library, as much because it was a oasis of silence and peace as the fact that it was almost impossible to concentrate with Kili’s burning presence within a hundred-metre radius. The peaceful studiousness of the library inspired him - until he saw Bard one morning sitting at a table in his usual wing. Before Fili could escape, Bard glanced up and their eyes met. They exchanged awkward, cordial smiles and Fili was glad of the library’s utterly unnegotiable total silence policy to give him an excuse not to make any sort of small talk. After that, he avoided that area and found a new favourite spot.

 

Life at home was no better and no worse than it was before. Mercifully, Bilbo and Thorin appeared to have given up trying to make the boys make amends after the fight. They didn’t try to make them do things together or force conversation between them, seeming to accept that the best course of action if they were to have any peace was for each of them to pretend the other one didn’t exist. Fili had to agree.

 

He felt lightheaded when he finally handed it in, the neatly printed and bound 15,000 words that his degree rested on, the final result of his metaphorical blood, sweat and tears for almost a year. The feeling as he walked back home was like walking on clouds, though his elation was short-lived - now he had exams to look forward to. Fili buried himself in his books every night, Bilbo shaking him awake gently at the desk in Thorin’s study more than once and guiding him gently to bed.

 

The Easter holidays began. Fili was apprehensive that Kili’s constant presence in the house would disturb him, but he needn’t have worried; Kili rarely spent any more time in the house than he needed to. Fili didn’t miss him, and his bedroom once again became his sanctuary, graced with Kili’s silent form only every other night or so.

 

On the morning of Easter Sunday, the boys were greeted by two giant Easter eggs when they came downstairs for breakfast. Kili grunted his thanks, which was more words than Fili had heard him utter in a long time. While Fili cracked his egg open, taking full advantage of the one day a year it was permissible to eat only chocolate for breakfast, Kili took his upstairs and came down ten minutes later fully dressed and left the house.

 

“I won’t be back for dinner,” he called over his shoulder before the front door slammed behind him.

 

Bilbo sighed. “Damn. I bought a whole leg of lamb. Who’s going to eat it now? We’ll never finish it.”

 

“Why don’t you invite some friends over?” Thorin suggested to Fili.

 

“That’s a nice idea!” Bilbo beamed at Fili.

 

Predictably, Ori and Tauriel agreed in a heartbeat.

 

“We came for the food,” was Tauriel’s greeting, hugging Fili as he opened the door. “Not the company.”

 

“Sure you didn’t.”

 

For the first time in what felt like ages, the house was devoid of tension, filled with happy chatter and the echoes of Thorin and Bilbo’s roaring laughter at Fili’s friends antics. Fili had almost forgotten Kili’s existence but for Thorin’s increasing frequent glances at the clock as it neared midnight.

 

Bilbo insisted their guests spend the night, three empty bottles of wine bearing testimony that they were hardly in any fit state to walk back home. They set up the sofa bed in the living room and Bilbo and Thorin said their goodnights. Before he followed Thorin upstairs, Bilbo brought out a plate piled high with Easter-themed confectionary.

 

“Leftovers from the bakery today. As of midnight, we can’t sell them anymore so I would request your help in making sure they don’t go to waste!”

 

“Aw Bilbo, I couldn’t eat another bite if I tried!” Tauriel groaned.

 

“I’m sure you’ll manage something. Good night!”

 

“Night,” they chorused.

 

“What Easter themed films are there?” Fili mused, flicking through the DVD collection.

 

“Um.” Ori mimed thoughtfulness as he helped himself to a biscuit in the shape of a duckling. “ _The Curse of the Wererabbit?_ ”

 

Fili guffawed. “How old are we?”

 

“You can never grow out of Wallace and Gromit,” Ori said knowledgeably.

 

“Fair enough.” Fili pulled a box off the shelf and spluttered at the sight of Tauriel stuck into a cupcake, yellow frosting on her nose. “Um, ‘I couldn’t manage another bite’?”

 

Tauriel raised a dangerous eyebrow. “You calling me fat, Durin?”

 

“God forbid,” Fili mock gasped. He squeezed in between them as the opening music began. “Move over, fatties.”

 

“Not our fault there’s no space!” Ori protested. “God, I can barely breathe.”

 

“Well, it’s just as well we’re all unnaturally close as friends go anyway, then.”

 

“Agreed.” Tauriel snuggled into Fili’s side as the film began in earnest. “We’re a cuddly bunch.”

 

“Although I can’t help but feel there should be another person cuddling with us…”

 

Fili sighed exasperatedly. “Get over it, Ori. Me and Bard is not going to happen.”

 

“ _Actually,_ I’m not talking about you, Mr. Centre-of-the-Universe!” Ori gave Tauriel a pointed look and she laughed.

 

“He means Legolas. I may have - finally got with him.”

 

“ _Ooo-ooh_!” Ori and Fili sang in unison. Tauriel rolled her eyes and slapped them both on the chest.

 

“ _Shut up_. How old are you?”

 

“That point has already been raised. And we are not ashamed to be watching children’s films, despite our ripe old ages of twenty-one, twenty-two and twenty-three respectively.”

 

“You have too much sass for my liking, Orian.” Ori cackled.

 

Fili picked a mini-egg off a cupcake, throwing it in the air and catching it in his mouth, grinning as he heard Ori mutter: “ _Show off”_. “Well, I’m glad you finally saw sense,” Fili decided. “That boy is crazy about you.”

 

“A little,” Tauriel admitted, cheeks turning pink.

 

“For god’s sake, where are all the singletons? First Bard and Fili, now Tauriel and Legolas,” Ori sighed dramatically, ignoring Fili’s protest. “And poor Ori? Alone again, naturally.” He pouted, though his eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Well. One Durin wouldn’t have me, maybe another one will.”

 

Fili snorted with laughter. It was a commonly raised joke among them that the first time Ori and Fili had met, one drunken night in Freshers’ week, Ori had been trying to get into his pants. “I wouldn’t count on it, and I wouldn’t recommend it either. He’s a grumpy shit.”

 

“Family resemblance?” Ori said sweetly.

 

“As if your overprotective brothers would let you ever have a boyfriend anyway,” Fili retorted.

 

“Let’s just watch the film shall we?” Tauriel interrupted. “We’ve missed the whole beginning!”

 

“Sorry, Tauriel.”

 

“You should be. Fear the redhead temper.”

 

“Two can play at that one, sister!” Ori shook his ginger locks and Tauriel groaned, burying her face in Fili’s side.

 

“Why did you let him eat so much sugar? Now he’s hyper and we’ll never get to sleep!”

 

“I am not hyper!” Ori cried, affronted.

 

“Prove it.”

 

“I will be quiet as a mouse!” Ori declared, miming zipping his lip and throwing away the key, crossing his arms huffily.

 

For a while it was quiet, the only noise the sounds of Wallace and Gromit playing out on the TV, until the sounds of two people breathing deeply met Fili’s ears. He looked down to see both his friends fast asleep, Tauriel’s face still buried in his side, Ori’s head slumped on the arm of the sofa. Carefully, he reached for the remote, switching off the TV and disentangling himself from Tauriel’s arms as gently as he could.

 

“Night guys,” he whispered. Just to make sure they were really asleep, he added: “Gingers are turds.”

 

There was no reaction from either of them. Satisfied, Fili turned out the lights and headed upstairs to his own warm cozy bed in his peaceful, empty bedroom.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, please comment/leave kudos, your feedback means a lot!!! X


	11. Chapter 11

 

“Where’s Kili?”

 

“Good morning to you too, Dad,” Fili said breezily. “Tea?”

 

“No thanks. I’ve had a coffee. You mean he didn’t come home last night?”

 

“ _No_ , dad.” Fili suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as he poured hot water into his mug. “Why? It’s not like this is the first time.”

 

“I’ve told him before. He needs to let us know if he’s not going to be back.”

 

“He sort of did.” _And good riddance_ , he added mentally.

 

“He said he wasn’t in for dinner. That’s not the same thing as not coming home at all.”

 

“Morning,” Tauriel called brightly as she practically skipped into the kitchen, bringing a mercifully welcome end to their conversation. Ori groaned from behind her, his eyes falling on the Easter cake residing in the middle of the kitchen table.

 

“Oh _my_ , the fun never ends.”

 

“Not when Bilbo has a bakery full of Easter goods looking to be finished. Dig in,” he told them, laughing as they both attacked the cake with glee.

 

After breakfast, Fili walked his friends to the front door, their pockets laden with foil-wrapped biscuits and each clutching a tupperware filled with more cupcakes.

 

“Thanks so much for inviting us! We’ve had a wonderful time, tell your parents thanks a ton, _again_.”

 

“See you soon,” Tauriel promised, giving Fili a hug. “Group study session soon?”

 

“That sounds good.”

 

“Bye Fili! Thanks for everything! Hello Kili!”

 

Kili stared as Ori gave him a friendly wave and watched them bemusedly as they strolled off down the street, chattering happily.

 

“They’re just being polite, there’s no look at them like that,” Fili told him. Kili stared back at him blankly.

 

“Oh right, you’re stoned again. Why am I even bothering,” Fili muttered.

 

He headed back into the house and set about clearing the breakfast plates away. He heard the front door close, Kili’s feet shuffling towards the stairs.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

Fili froze. He could just imagine Thorin, rising from the sofa where he’d been lying in wait, ready to pounce.

 

“Out.” Kili’s voice was blithe, either unaware of the grave danger he was in or unconcerned.

 

“I’ve asked you before to let us know when you’re going to be back when you go out.”

 

Fili started scrubbing plates as fast as he could, hoping he could finish and be upstairs before the fight erupted for real.

 

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Thorin’s voice seemed to get louder in the face of Kili’s silence. “Kili, we only want you to be safe. We care about you. We’re worried - “

 

“Don’t worry about me,” Kili scoffed.

 

“This behaviour is unacceptable, Kili.” Thorin’s voice was tinged with anger. Fili decided the rest of the plates could wait, dropping them in the soapy water and sneaking down the hall, only to curse as he caught a glimpse of his uncle and cousin in the doorway - there was no way he could creep past without them being sure to see him.

 

“Where have you been?” Thorin repeated.

 

“Out.” Kili’s voice was louder now. Fili saw his uncle bristle.

 

“You’ll need to be more specific than that. Where was it that was so important that you didn’t feel the need to spend the night and not let us know?”

 

“None of your business,” Kili snapped.

 

“Very well. It is none of my business. But it _is_ my business if you choose to use my house like a hotel for you to drop in and out of as you please.”

 

Kili’s stayed sullenly silent. Thorin sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

 

“Kili, the holidays are almost over. Soon it will be back to school. Are you even aware that in a few months you will have exams, which you will need to pass? We promised your mother -“

 

“I don’t care about your promises!” Kili exploded. “And I don’t need school! Why do I need to go back, not everyone does the school-uni-career routine. I could just get a job instead.”

 

“You won’t _get_ a job without A-levels, Kili, and by law you have to stay in school until you are eighteen.”

 

“The stupid _law_! The law tells us what to do but it doesn’t tell us what’s right and what’s wrong!” Kili sneered. Fili had a feeling he wasn’t talking about school anymore but before the subject could go any further Thorin cut across him.

 

“Either way, we’re concerned about the friends you’ve been keeping. We’re wondering if they’re not – a bit old for you.”

 

“They’re only a few years older than me.”

 

“We’re not sure they are – the best influence.” Fili wanted to protest - Thorin didn’t realise he’d got it the wrong way round.

 

For once, Fili and Kili were in agreement, as Kili gave a derisive snort in response.

 

Thorin’s voice became sharper. “We can’t dictate who you should or should be friends with, nor will we. But we promised your mother -”

 

“Don’t talk about my mother, not _you_ of all people,” Kili spat. “And don’t think she cares about your promises either, she doesn’t give a shit.”

 

Thorin looked stricken. “When was the last time you spoke to your mother?” he asked softly after a moment’s pause.

 

“She hasn’t called me either,” Kili retorted harshly.

 

“Your mother is not well. I thought - I’m sure she’d appreciate to know what you’re up to.”

 

“Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad!”

 

“That’s enough!” Thorin barked suddenly and Fili jumped. “Kili. You treat this house with disrespect. You treat this family with disrespect. We care about you and we only want the best -“

 

“Bullshit! If you cared about me you’d let me drop out of school and get a job!”

 

“You are going back to school,” Thorin said, his voice thundering. “You will survive the next few weeks, just like everybody else. And after that you can do as you please. And that is final.”

 

“You can’t force me.”

 

“I really hoped I wouldn’t have to.”

 

Two dark heads, two pair of eyes glared at each other heatedly, until Kili broke, look away with a sound that was positively a growl. He whirled around made for the front door.

 

“You’re not going out again today. You’re staying in the house.”

 

Kili snarled, tearing his hand off the door handle and stormed upstairs, the whole house practically shaking with the vehemence of his stamping and the force with which he slammed the bedroom door behind him. Thorin sank back into his armchair and buried his face in his hands.

 

Fili took the chance to grab his satchel from a chair in the kitchen and steal out of the house to the library.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments/kudos make the writers' world go round :) X


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tick... tick... BOOM

The first day of school dawned at long last. It was with trepidation that Fili heard heavy footsteps on the stairs heralding Kili’s arrival, his white uniform shirt collar just visible above the collar of his dark coat as he appeared in the kitchen.

 

“You look smart,” Thorin said pleasantly. Kili didn’t look at him but tried to hide his scowl by staring at the floor. Eventually he said: “Some friends are having a study session after school today. I was thinking I would go.”

 

The last bit almost sounded like a question. Thorin nodded, speaking calmly. “I think that’s a good idea. Dinner’s at the usual time, don’t be late.”

 

“Have a good day,” Bilbo called after him as Kili bolted through the back door without a second glance, apparently refraining from breakfast. He turned appraising eyes on Thorin, who turned nonchalantly back to his cereal.

 

“I don’t know what you’ve done but I hope it’s good.” Bilbo’s voice sounded half shrewd, half worried.

 

“Only time will tell,” Thorin sighed, scooping the last of his cornflakes into his mouth and dropping his bowl in the sink. He leaned down to drop a kiss onto Bilbo’s cheek and Fili looked away hastily.

 

“Ew, gross.”

 

“Grow up,” Thorin chuckled, ruffling his hair.

 

“Aren’t you going to the office today?” Fili asked, noticing for the first time Thorin’s casual clothes.

 

“I’m taking the day off to do some DIY. Gotta pull out the weeds growing in the roof and some of the gutter is blocked. Want to help?”

 

“Uh, got revision to do,” Fili replied hastily.

 

Thorin laughed. “How convenient.”

 

“What can I say, I’m a busy man.”

 

“Or a lazy brat.”

 

“Fili works hard, you leave him alone,” Bilbo reprimanded, slapping a dishtowel at Thorin, who leaped away just in time so the stinging end caught Fili’s arm.

 

“Ow! That _hurts_!”

 

“Sorry,” Bilbo simpered, in a way that suggested he was not sorry at all. “Now get busy, both of you.”

 

Thorin might pretend to be the man of the house, and Fili might think of himself as a fully-grown responsible adult, but at times like this, there was never any doubt as to who really ruled the roost.

 

It was a beautiful sunny day so Fili decided to take his revision to the park, packing a few sandwiches and spreading a picnic blanket in the dappled shade under a tree. It was clear that the same idea had occurred to many others too; the park was crowded, though judging by the number of open books he could see, Fili was the only one actually working. Or at least he was until he had the misfortune of being spotted by Ori and Tauriel, who hogged the space on his picnic blanket and pestered him for an hour before he managed to shake them off, promising dire retribution if their distraction prevented him getting top marks in his exams.

 

He was in a good mood when he got home and headed to the kitchen to help make dinner. There was something intensely satisfying about helping Bilbo squelch half a dozen chicken fillets in marinade, though his covert enjoyment apparently didn’t go unnoticed judging form the amused looks Bilbo kept shooting him. Thorin was sitting at the table, having been delegated to chopping carrots, grumbling under his breath about it. 

 

A sharp knock on the door interrupted Fili and Bilbo’s lighthearted conversation and Thorin’s good-natured grousing. They barely had a moment to raise confused eyes before the rapping sounded again, sounding more impatient.

 

Bilbo glanced down at his and Fili’s marinade-covered hands. “Thorin, could you - “

 

But Thorin was already crossing the room, the silhouette of a black-uniformed figure just visible through the frosted glass of the front door.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Are you Thorin Durin?” the policeman asked brusquely.

 

“Yes. Is there something I can help you with?”

 

“I’m sorry to barge in like this but young Mr. Oaks sad he didn’t have your phone number and you are needed at the police station. He’s been taken into custody.”

 

“He’s been arrested? On what grounds?” Thorin demanded.

 

“We found your nephew in possession of illegal substances,” the police officer said coldly.

 

“What - that’s not possible,” Thorin said. “He’s been at school all day, he -“

 

But Thorin’s words died as the officer pulled a ziploc bag out of his pocket. Fili and Bilbo peered around him, hearts sinking at the sight of the unmistakable sachet of brown powder inside.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, please comment/leave kudos, it makes a writer's day :) X


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is when things start getting interesting...

Kili avoided juvie by a hair. It was his third offence, and both times before he’d been lucky not to be charged and let off with a mere caution. But the police couldn’t ignore a third offence.

 

There was no proof to suggest Kili was anything more than in possession of drugs for his personal use. At any rate, he vehemently denied it when the police hinted he may have been dealing, but it became apparent after the police raid on his possessions and his bedroom that Kili was using a lot more than he’d ever let on to anyone. There were mercifully no more needles and bags of brown powder, but the bottom of the bin was lined with little ziploc baggies, stuffed to the bottom with the intention of making sure they were never seen, which the police collected and, after testing the chalky white residue clinging to the corners, deigned it cocaine. Thorin and Bilbo started looking up charities to help with addiction.

 

Kili turned eighteen while he was still in rehab. The whole family went to visit him and spend the day together. Bilbo was affronted when the staff insisted they had to check his cake at the entrance.

 

“My nephew is in _drug rehabilitation_!” he exploded. “Why _on earth_ would you think I would be smuggling him narcotics?”

 

Kili’s room was plain but not uninviting. He opened the presents Bilbo and Thorin gave him, a watch, a few books and some clothes.

 

“I know it’s a bit childish, but it seems like everyone’s got one these days,” Bilbo said kindly, as Kili pulled the wrapping paper off a soft felty onesie. “And it looks like they’re all the rage at uni.”

 

“What part of you thinks I’m ever going to go to uni?” Kili replied slowly, his voice barley concealing his disdain.

 

Thorin’s grip on his forearm tightened significantly. From Kili’s wince, he could feel it. Bilbo and Fili watched as Thorin steered him down the corridor out of earshot.

 

“It’s fine,” Bilbo said calmly as Fili’s jaw clenched. “It wasn’t anything personal. He just needs something to vent his anger on.”

 

“But he can’t use _people_ as his punchbag!” Fili said through gritted teeth.

 

Kili and Thorin came back a few minutes later and though Kili didn’t apologise, he thanked Bilbo for the presents and Bilbo smiled to show there were no hard feelings. Fili wondered where Bilbo’s boundless forgiveness came from.

 

Thorin and Bilbo suggested that they could go to Maldon for the day and Kili agreed. The car journey was mainly silent, Kili becoming marginally more talkative as the journey went on. He was civil to Fili and Fili was civil back, but nothing more. Kili and Thorin had another one-to one talk at the beach while Bilbo and Fili ate their chips, watching them and the sea in equal measure from a distance.

 

It was only a few hours after they said goodbye to Kili at the centre and drove home again that Fili realised nothing had arrived from Dis.

 

Kili was released six weeks later. He didn’t drop by Thorin’s to pick up his things and he didn’t check-in, but he didn’t have to, no longer being a minor.

 

Kili dropped of the radar for a few months. Fili was mostly glad for it, but for the worry lines on Bilbo’s face and the troubled look in Thorin’s eyes that never entirely faded.

 

The exam period finally ended and the rest of the term passed in a blur of sunny days and celebrations and job applications. They went out for dinner the day after Fili’s results came out, and Fili had to put up with Thorin telling anyone who’d listen: “That’s my _son_ , you know! He got a _first_ , from Cambridge nonetheless!” He went to celebrate with Ori and Tauriel later, both of whom had also passed, and they danced and drank champagne and ended up dissolving into each others arms at the end of the night, tearily proclaiming how much they loved each other and pledging to stay in touch over the course of the next year, whatever it would bring them.

 

Fili moved into his own flat at the end of July. It was in central London, only a few tube stops away from his new job. Bilbo and Thorin said they’d miss him, and though he’d miss them back, he reminded his parents he was only a few hours away and promised to visit on weekends.

 

He’d never felt more supremely professional nor more utterly terrified in his life than his first day at work, dressing smartly in a suit and walking proudly into the glossy glass and chrome building where he now belonged. It was a mere few weeks before his supervisor declared him one of the brightest people he’d ever employed, clapping him genially on the back and calling him a ‘brand-new-blood asset’, whatever that meant.

 

When he saw Kili again, he wasn’t even surprised. There was no part of him that ever doubted Kili would come back here, to this city, where he could blend in or stand out as much as he wanted. He had grown up here after all. And he wasn’t surprised what he looked like either, though he was shocked - Kili was gaunt, skin almost grey, and he was thin, so thin. He’d never expected Kili to change, but he was taken aback at his appearance. It was only mere months ago that he was full and healthy, colour in his cheeks and clothes not tatty and scuffed. Kili hadn’t noticed him, and Fili hunched his shoulders and quickened his pace as he walked across the square, not looking at him.

 

Fili made friends. They were cool, hip, and wore trendy clothes and went to trendy parties. They smoked trendy stuff. Fili joined them sometimes, and didn’t feel guilty about it because, after all, it was only a bit of fun. He could control himself. It made for fun nights and interesting conversations.

 

It was after one of those nights he saw someone he recognised, slumped unelegantly against the side of a bus shelter, barely conscious enough to smoke the cigarette burning down to his fingers.

 

Maybe Fili was still a bit drunk. Maybe it was because he was family. Maybe it was because they were getting on for winter, late August nights growing longer and colder. Maybe it was something else. He slapped the butt out of the slack, sagging hand, almost angrily, and it fell into a puddle with a tiny hiss. The man looked at him sluggishly, his eyes registering only mild bewilderment and a desperate need for sleep as Fili grabbed his arm and hissed, “I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for Thorin.”

 

Kili didn’t say anything as he stumbled alongside him, Fili’s fingers growing white from his iron grip on his cousin’s arm.

 

They both stumbled on the threshold, it was dark and Kili was drunk and Fili still didn’t know his new apartment well enough to know exactly where his feet were taking him when the lights weren’t on.

 

Fili unwrapped Kili’s arm from his shoulders and deposited Kili’s ungainly form onto the sofa. He sagged into the pillows, eyes unfocused as they settled on Fili’s dim form. Fili was half sure he couldn’t even recognise him.

 

“Gnf…” Kili’s voice was barely comprehensible.

 

“Go to sleep,” Fili hissed, pushing a few cushions aside to make more room for him. Kili was unconscious before Fili even shoved a pillow under his head. He yanked off Kili’s shoes before they could ruin the upholstery, noting the hole in of one of the soles, and tossing them on the floor. He went into the kitchen with the intention of making some tea before bed but a wave of tiredness suddenly hit him and he almost stumbled again. He could barely muster the energy to brush his teeth and collapse into bed.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

It was half past eleven when Fili’s eyes opened. For a split second he panicked, then remembered it was Saturday. The memory of the night before washed over him and he let out a long, slow breath.

 

He wasn’t sure what to find when he left his bedroom but it was with surprise that he walked into the living room to see Kili sitting on the sofa, looking unexpectedly awake.

 

“Morning.”

 

“You were smashed last night,” Fili told him.

 

Kili shrugged.

 

“Seriously, you were in a bad way. Did you even know where you were?”

 

“Of course I did.”

 

“Where were you then?”

 

Kili’s pause lasted a little too long. Fili snorted. “You know, I wish I was surprised. You’ve got no idea how you got here do you?”

 

“You can’t tell me you’re perfect, I know _that_ smell when I sniff it.”

 

Fili glared at him. “I can _control_ myself. _You_ on the other hand…”

 

“Here we go again,” Kili muttered, presumably with the intention of not letting Fili hear. Fili heard.

 

“You’re unbelievable!” Fili shouted. “You ungrateful-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Kili interrupted. “Unbelievable, in a bad way, hopeless, a liar, blah blah blah. Whatever you want to say just get it out of your system, then I can leave and get the fuck out of your hair.”

 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Fili growled.

 

“Oh, of course - I’m going nowhere, I’m headed for trouble -“

 

“I _meant_ ,” Fili snapped. “You’re going to stay where I can keep an eye on you.”

 

Kili raised an eyebrow.

 

“You’re going to live here.”

 

Kili blinked.

 

“A thanks would be nice,” Fili prompted.

 

“I didn’t ask you for this.”

 

“When someone offers you something, it’s polite,” Fili informed him waspishly.

 

“ _Thank you_.” The words were dripping with sarcasm. “Can I at least get my car?”

 

Fili was taken aback. “You have a car?”

 

“Where do you think I’ve been living, a cardboard box?” Kili extended a hand. “But I’ll need money for petrol.”

 

There was a pause, then Fili growled, grabbing his jacket off the sofa.

 

Kili looked suddenly nervous. “What are you doing?”

 

“You think I’m just going to give you money and let you disappear without a backward glance?” Fili snapped. “Not fucking likely.”

 

“I won’t,” Kili said, voice suddenly unsure. “I’ll come back, I promise. You don’t need to come.”

 

Fili regarded him stonily. “Lead on.”

 

“Really, you don’t have to,” Kili tried again. “Seriously, just give me the money for the bus fare and the petrol and I’ll be back in an hour, I promise.”

 

“I’d be an idiot to believe that.”

 

Kili shut up. They rode the bus in silence. They got off after about half an hour onto a dirty street of scruffy-looking houses and Kili immediately started walking, Fili keeping pace easily. The litter lining the small side street intensified as they walked on, passing derelict walls and half-smashed fences until they turned right into a small shady-looking car park.

 

Kili didn’t say anything as he led Fili to an old maroon sedan in dire need of a wash in the far corner by some shrubs. He opened the dented driver’s door and Fili caught a glimpse of a back seat covered in empty water bottles, crumpled foil packets and a few plastic bags of clothes before Kili slammed the door and Fili got in the passenger’s side.

 

“Turn left,” Fili said curtly, and the only conversation on the journey was him giving Kili directions.

 

Fili guided them to the multi-storey carpark a few blocks away from his building (he made a mental note to look into getting a parking permit on his street) and got out the car. Kili followed him silently back to the apartment.

 

Fili dropped the bags of Kili’s clothes in the second bedroom. “You can sleep in here. I’ll get you some sheets for the bed.” Fili paused, perusing the room for a second, wondering how long it would take Kili to render this room as messy as his short-lived existence in Thorin’s study in Cambridge.

 

As if reading his mind, Kili spoke at last. “You going to tell Thorin I’m here?”

 

“No,” Fili replied at once. “Don’t think I’m doing this for you,” he repeated what he said last night. “I’m doing this for Bilbo and Thorin. And to make sure you stay away from my family.”

 

“Ouch.” Kili chuckled, actually chuckled. He still sounded defiant, but a little amused as well. “You really hate me, don’t you?” he added after a while.

 

“You’re my cousin,” was all Fili could reply. He didn’t look to see the smirk Kili was undoubtedly throwing him, so he missed the slight disappointment behind Kili’s eyes as he turned and left the room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the plot thickens...
> 
> sorry this chapter is a little short - but next chapter is a longer than usual to make up for it! X


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rules and revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully the beginning bit of this chapter will clear up some thoughts about last chapter!

Fili didn’t want Bilbo and Thorin to see what Kili had become. How, after all their love and generosity and all they had done to try and help, Kili had thrown it back in their faces and given over to his destructive tendencies again. Kili was a selfish little shit.

 

But as adamant as he appeared, Kili needed help. And Fili refused to see his parents’ efforts go entirely to waste. The sullen, sulky brat who smoked weed and sneaked out and shouted had turned into something much worse, entirely a result of his own poor life decisions and lack of any sense of common sense and goodness.

 

Although, while he was ashamed of Kili and all his faults, there was hope.

 

He had seen it when Kili had shown him the car, the dump he’d been living in for the last few weeks or months or god knew how long: Kili had been _embarrassed_. He’d seen it in his eyes, and seen it when Kili had held out his hand asking for money. There was something about him that simply stated _I won’t come back._ He knew Kili had been hoping he would just hand over the money and then he would have gotten the hell out of there, never to be seen again. Little bugger.

 

Fili wasn’t born yesterday.

 

And there was something in Kili now that Fili was sure was resignation. They’d gone to bed after takeaway pizza the night before, and when Fili had woken, he half-thought (half-hoped) Kili would have gone. But he hadn’t. Kili was sprawled over the covers on his bed, dead to the world. He hadn’t even bothered to put on his pyjamas.

 

“Jesus Christ, you smell like an ashtray,” Fili protested, waving away the invisible waft of smoke that seemed to follow Kili into the kitchen.

 

“You could walk a bit more _quietly_ down the hall. Like a fucking elephant you are, you put on weight since I last saw you?”

 

Ah. How could Fili ever forget that Kili was not a morning person. Not that it did anything to stem his flare of righteous anger.

 

Fili jabbed the wooden spoon he’d been using to stir the eggs on the stove at him. “You will shut up and suck it up whatever time I choose to get up in the morning, it’s past ten you lazy bastard! And rule _two_ , there are going to be no drugs inside this house, got it?”

 

“Fine!” Kili shot him a filthy look before shouldering his jacket and heading down the hallway.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?”

 

“Out. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment.”

 

“Bullshit!” Fili slammed the door, Kili jerking his fingers back before they were jammed in the lock. He looked at him furiously.

 

“You said no drugs in the house, I’m following your bloody law aren’t I?”

 

“You know what I meant. This is going to end now, Kili, you’re going to stop the bad habits, you’re going to get a job, you’re going to finally get a grip.”

 

“Am I now.” Kili looked unimpressed.

 

“You need help.”

 

“I don’t need _help_ -“

 

“You do,” Fili cut across him, talking quickly before he could be interrupted again. “And I’ll help you. But I’m only going to do it if you want to. I’m not doing this if you don’t want to too.”

 

“For fuck’s sake, can’t you just -“ Kili reached out a hand towards the door handle. Fili’s hand tightened around it.

 

“If you go, the door locks behind you. I’m not giving you a key. If you go, you’re staying out.” He delivered his ultimatum.

 

Kili stared at him. Fili braced himself to be shoved aside, (Kili may have been waif-like but he was still taller by a good two inches, could still have pushed him over easily if he’d wanted to) – but Kili didn’t. He slumped against the wall and slid down, his long legs taking up almost the whole hall, feet almost touching the opposite wall. Fili had had hope before – now it was here, right in front of him, in the slope of Kili’s shoulders, the angle reading _defeat_.

 

“Why now?” Kili’s voice was a monotone.

 

“I could ask the same of you,” Fili said, taken aback. “To be honest, I was expecting a bit more resistance. You could have gone, you could have left last night, you could have left two nights ago. I was surprised you were still here that first morning. Why?”

 

“It’s you.”

 

Fili looked down at him, uncomprehending. “What are you talking about?”

 

“It’s _you_ ,” Kili repeated. “It’s always been you.”

 

There was a silence as the words sank in.

 

“Can I at least smoke inside?” Fili said nothing, but Kili pulled out his tobacco pouch and skins anyway. He had one rolled in seconds, deft movements licking and tucking, but he didn’t light it.

 

“What are you saying?” Fili asked at last.

 

“I know I’m the ‘bad guy’,” Kili’s fingers made quote marks in mid air around the last two words and he rolled his eyes. “And I’m not meant to like the good guys. But you were so good. Not like a goody-two-shoes. You just had your head screwed on so tight. You just knew what you were doing. A masters, a thesis, at what, twenty-one? It seemed like every decision you’d make, it would be the right one. And even if it wasn’t, you’d make it right. I did kind of hate you a bit but - yeah.”

 

Kili’s eyes met Fili’s and held them. The smell of burning eggs and ruined breakfast reached them and Fili sighed. Kili dropped his gaze.

 

“It’s fucked up right? My own cousin. Even if we’re not related.” He fiddled with his still unlit cigarette. “Have I made things weird now?” he asked, in a voice still tinged with defiance but so quiet Fili barely heard.

 

Kili didn’t meet his eye as Fili crouched down next to him.

 

“Is it okay if I hug you?”

 

Kili’s answer was to lean into Fili’s side, almost hopefully. Fili wrapped his arms gingerly around the other’s shoulders, and Kili wound his arms around him. Kili leaned up, their faces centimetres apart.

 

“That’s kinda weird,” Fili mumbled. He heard Kili’s tiny exhale of breath.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

It was the first time Fili had ever heard an apology from him, probably the first time he’d ever heard the words leave Kili’s mouth. He didn’t reply, just hugged Kili tighter, and felt Kili nestle slightly into his side, head resting against Fili’s shoulder.

 

It was comforting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

................

 

 

Later that night, Fili couldn’t sleep.

 

 

It happened sometimes, he blamed his laptop. He should have known by now spending an hour checking his emails just before bed was never a good idea. On nights like these the only thing to do was to make a mug of chamomile tea and bunker down with a thick book (preferably a boring one), until he finally dropped off.

It had been an emotional day - he knew he should have been exhausted but his brain wouldn’t leave him alone, especially a tiny nagging part of him which wondered if he’d done the right thing.

The hushed rumble of the kettle cut off with an abrupt click, interrupting Fili’s thoughts. He grabbed a mug and a teabag, letting the chamomile’s soothing smell infiltrate his nostrils.

 

As Fili padded back to his bedroom, he almost jumped at a noise coming from the bathroom. It would only be Kili preparing for bed, he knew, and he shouldn’t have been entirely surprised that that Kili was still awake even at this late hour, but the noises from inside didn’t sound like someone brushing their teeth.

 

Fili could hear ragged breathing as he knocked softly on the door. “Kili?”

 

The door wasn’t shut properly and swung open a little as Fili knocked softly. He saw a body curled over the toilet basin, heaving.

 

“Hey, hey, you’re alright.” Fili’s tea slopped over his fingers as he abandoned his mug, hastening to scrape Kili’s hair away from his face as he retched again.

 

Kili flopped backwards against the wall, and Fili stood up and grabbed a cup next to the sink.

 

“You can’t sleep either?” Kili croaked.

 

“Seemingly not.”

 

Fili held out the cup of water and Kili swilled it into his mouth before spitting it into the toilet and hitting the flush. He accepted the hand stretched out to him, but let it go almost immediately as he stumbled towards the sink. He turned on the tap and splashed his face a few times, swilling some more water in his mouth before spitting again.

 

“If you need a toothbrush, there are spares in the cupboard.”

 

“Thanks,” Kili mumbled.

 

 

“We should get you to bed,” Fili suggested, holding out a hand in case Kili needed to lean on someone but Kili hesitated.

 

“I think I’ll - stay up for a bit.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll - watch some telly or something for a bit. I’m not very good at sleeping these days,” Kili admitted. His lips quirked in something that was almost a smile. “At least I got upgraded to a bed tonight rather than the sofa.”

 

“Alright. If you’re sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“There’s some Peep Show dvds on the shelf if you want.”

 

“Thanks. I’ll try to keep the volume down.”

 

“Good night.”

 

“Night.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love hearing what you guys think :) comments/kudos greatly appreciated! X


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> about two weeks later...

“Sharing is caring.” Kili’s voice was light as he slid the glass door shut, giving Fili a nudge as he joined him on the balcony. He held his hand out expectantly.

 

“Get your own,” Fili grumbled.

 

“You know where I’ll go if you make me get my own,” Kili warned him teasingly. With a huff, Fili passed over the joint. Kili took a deep drag.

 

“Ah. That’s good.”

 

“You’re meant to be going clean,” Fili reprimanded him, though he didn’t make an effort to stop Kili taking a second drag.

 

“This doesn’t count. This is the gateway drug, it’s the gateway to getting out too.”

 

Fili snorted.

 

“Are you stressed?”

 

The question took Fili by surprise. He closed his eyes, feeling the pricking in his lungs and the hyper-numbness start to sink in behind his knees, deciding not to linger on exactly how Kili knew he was stressed. “Just work.”

 

“You’re always working. Dwalin used to always say if you do what you love, you won’t work a day in your life.”

 

Fili chuckled. “You know, sometimes I forget how young you are.”

 

Kili huffed. “Why does everyone always say that?” he groused, taking the blunt again from Fili’s fingers. “Dwalin used to say it all the time.”

 

“You _are_ young,” Fili told him. Kili huffed again, but didn’t push it. There was a short pause.

 

“What happened to your mum?” Fili asked.

 

He sensed rather than saw Kili stiffen. He took the joint between his lips and relaxed again.

 

“She couldn’t cope,” he replied simply. Fili waited.

 

“It was after I got kicked out of school. She and Dwalin were trying to make a life for themselves. She was clean again, thinking of buying a new house in a nice part of town. But I didn’t like it. So I was horrible. I took risks. And I got caught. The school said they didn’t want it on their records that a student had been expelled for smoking on campus so they’d let me off without a mark on my record if I left quietly. But then I wasn’t in school, I didn’t have a job. I don’t think mum knew what to do with me. It wasn’t good for her having me around like that, she started to regress. Depression. They thought it was best if I left. Went somewhere someone could take proper care of me.” He snorted. “It was only meant to be temporary, few weeks tops. Didn’t know I’d never be going back.”

 

Abruptly he passed back the blunt, burnt almost down to the roach. Fili took a last toke before stubbing it out on the metal railing. He dropped it into a flowerpot he kept outside for that purpose.

 

“Do you remember Uncle Frerin?” Kili asked suddenly.

 

Fili thought back - flashes of bright smiles, presents, tight hugs and strong arms catching and throwing him into the air, the kind of games his parents never allowed immediately after dinner but Frerin always played them anyway. “A bit. I was six when he died.”

 

“He was always supportive of Mum. Thorin wasn’t, he was up for chucking her into rehab and having me put into foster care. It was Frerin who supported her, Frerin who stayed when Thorin didn’t want anything to do with us anymore, his druggie sister and her fucked-up kid. That’s the only reason he took me in. Out of guilt, after Frerin died.”

 

“That’s not true,” Fili said slowly. “Thorin loves you. He offered to take you in years ago. He offered to support her and look after you while she got better.”

 

“He offered to kidnap me you mean!”

 

“She pushed him away,” Fili said softly. “But it was Frerin’s funeral that brought them back together.” Fili remembered that well - it was the first time in years he’d seen his aunt and the first time he’d ever met his cousin. He remembered Dis sobbing brokenheartedly into Thorin’s shoulder while he was told to play nicely with Kili, forgetting that Kili was barely old enough to walk and talk. Fili spent his whole time trying to persuade Kili not to eat the furniture.

 

They’d seen each other a few times after that, every month, then every holiday, then once a year. But Dis and Thorin’s relationship was still tenuous. The visits died out, and all they got now was a sporadic Christmas email every other year.

 

“He sent you birthday cards,” Fili told him. “Did you get them?”

 

“I found them in the bin. They tried, but I don’t think Dis could ever forgive him.”

 

“I think you’re right.”

 

Fili jutted out his lip and exhaled deeply, the tips of his hair ruffling on his forehead. “Well, cuz, as cheery as this conversation is, I don’t think I’m nearly wasted enough for this.”

 

Kili laughed. “Yep. It’s getting cold too.”

 

They went back inside, sliding the glass door shut behind them.

 

“I’m pretty sure I can call this night a write-off for work,” Fili sighed, pulling out the tin where he kept his stuff and reaching for his grinder.

 

“I like the way you think. But,” Kili grinned. “You are really shit at rolling, mate.”

 

Fili held out his hands. “I’ll leave it to the master,” he muttered and Kili chuckled. “What do you want for dinner?”

 

“Hm.” Kili concentrated on the job in his fingers before laying down his masterpiece, adopting a pondering expression.

 

“… and frozen lasagna it is,” Fili decided, realising he couldn’t be arsed to cook and yanking open the freezer.

 

“Sounds cool. I’ll DJ.”

 

“Nothing horrible,” Fili warned him. Kili turned innocent-looking eyes on him. “No electronic shit.”

 

“Not even Skrillex?”

 

“Especially not Skrillex.”

 

“Give it a chance. It’s not that bad, you know.”

 

“It sounds so angry.”

 

“It’s _not_. People always think it is, but they don’t listen properly. Or they only listen to the bad stuff. I bet you’re going to say you’re one of those people who say its video games that make people kill eachother.”

 

“There’s merit in that argument,” Fili muttered.

 

“There isn’t. Have you ever actually listened any proper electronic music?”

 

“No. I have never felt the inclination.”

 

“You should. It’s so … uplifting. Especially when you’re there, and its dark, and there’s lights and bodies and you’re all on this whole kind of new… level.”

 

Kili trailed off and Fili glanced over at him. He had a slight faraway look in his eyes, he looked almost wistful.

 

“Don’t go there,” Fili warned him gently. He took the joint out from between his fingers. “Let’s eat. I’m famished.”

 

Kili laughed at that. “I _bet_ you are…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at long last - a little explanation :)
> 
> hope you enjoyed, if there are any questions please ask! i'm not at home at the moment so not sure when i'll be able to reply, but i will do as soon as i can X


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They hadn’t talked about that thing Kili had said. Kili hadn’t brought it up, and Fili hadn’t mentioned it. He’d long resolved to take life one step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place just after the last chapter

“I’m going to force you to listen to some Skrillex.”

 

“Kiliii,” Fili groaned, but Kili was already sliding a pair of chunky headphones onto his head.

 

“You’ve got have it blasting for the full effect.”

 

They’d smoked the second joint and demolished the lasagna. Now a packet of biscuits on the table was slowly meeting the same fate as they vegetated in the living room.

 

A beat. It was loud, but not so fast as to annoy him. Fili often found electronic music frazzled him, made him agitated. But this song, not so much. Other sounds started to filter in, weaving around the pillars created by the steady rhythm.

 

“It’s not that bad,” Fili allowed cautiously.

 

“Wait for it… the beat is about to drop.” Kili smiled in anticipation.

 

Fili waited patiently, then yanked the headphones off his ears. “God, that’s awful.”

 

Kili laughed, howling all the harder at the disgruntled look on Fili’s face as he shook his head, as though trying to clear his ears. “How can you _like_ listening to that? It’s so empty.”

 

“Empty? What do you mean?”

 

“It’s like…” Fili’s mind was painting pictures, of cliffs and gorges and people running across stepping-stones hovering in the air. “It’s like a chasm. Of silence. There’s these sounds over it so you think it’s solid, but there’s nothing. It’s like an empty beaker with… beats floating on top.”

 

“… Dude,” Kili said after a pause. “You’ve got to be high to say that.”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

“I wish I did.”

 

Fili blew a loud raspberry. “Pass me a biscuit.”

 

“Um - I sort of - ate the last one?” Kili admitted guiltily.

 

“Damn you.”

 

“They were delicious. Did you make them?”

 

Fili was laughing too. “They were _in a packet_!”

 

“Oh, right.” Kili started laughing too.

 

“Fucking hell,” Fili wiped tears from his eyes. “Did all those drugs kill off your brain cells?”

 

“Hey, we can’t all go to Cambridge,” Kili retorted.

 

Fili huffed as he got his breath back, a comfortable silence settling for a few minutes.

 

“Are you sleeping tonight?” Fili asked.

 

“I think I will,” Kili replied slowly. “It’s good for the insomnia - pot, I mean. Helps me sleep.”

 

“Don’t think you can use that as an excuse to do this every night,” Fili told him. Kili laughed.

 

“I won’t. Can’t afford it anyway.”

 

Fili was sprawled languidly on the sofa, horizontal. Kili was sat on the floor by the arm. Their heads were close together.

 

They hadn’t talked about that thing Kili had said. Kili hadn’t brought it up, and Fili hadn’t mentioned it. He’d long resolved to take life one step at a time.

 

He was suddenly aware of Kili staring at him. Usually whenever he’d bothered to look at Kili’s eyes, they’d either been glaring back at him or so bloodshot he’d turned away in disgust. Now he was looking into them properly for the first time, he saw they were a deep dark brown, so unlike his own crystalline blue. Kili’s eyes reminded him of those of a deer, black with molten depths going on for who knew how long, but golden like honey where they caught the light, alternating gold and liquid brown in the shadows. They were beautiful, really.

 

The tip of Kili’s tongue distracted him, moistening just the edge of his lips. Kili drew closer, their faces inches apart, then stopped.

 

It was really happening.

 

Fili wondered if he was doing the right thing. But the thought didn’t last long before he was closing the centimetres between them and pressing his lips against Kili’s.

 

The tip of Kili’s tongue touched his, tentatively, and the sound Fili made was involuntary. Kili pulled back, but Fili put a hand on his neck and drew him closer again.

 

When they next parted, Kili’s lips were stretched in an irrepressible smile. He slid onto the sofa to straddle Fili, putting two hands on his chest and leaning down to kiss him again.

 

The arm of the sofa bumped against Fili’s head as he tried to sit up, his feet dislodging a few pillows. The tassels of the blanket draped across the back of the sofa caught in his fingers as he brought his hands up to curl in the ends of Kili’s hair.

 

“Let’s move?” Fili’s voice was a ragged whisper. Kili brought his mouth close to answer, warm air ghosting across Fili’s ears with the movement of his lips, tickling slightly: “Yes.”

 

Fili stood up, grabbing Kili’s hand as they stumbled down the hall towards his bedroom. When the door was shut Kili pressed him against it, mouth searching out his own desperately. Fili didn’t leave him hanging.

 

Kili’s hand slid down his body. A light throaty laugh bubbled to his lips. “You’re hard,” he whispered, fingers going to the hem of Fili’s shirt.

 

Fili gave a non-committal noise, something like a cross between a grunt and a moan when he reached forward to undo Kili’s belt. “You are too.”

 

“Uh huh...” Their words dissolved into kisses again and Fili groaned as Kili sucked a bruise onto his collarbone.

 

“Clothes off,” Fili whispered.

 

Kili’s clothes were off in seconds, reaching for Fili as he struggled with his buttons. “Let me,” he murmured, pulling off the polo in one swift motion, pressing open-mouthed kisses to the bare skin of his chest as it was revealed.

 

Fili could only moan as he ground into Kili’s rocking hips.

 

“Fuck… Fili.”

 

Suddenly hands, hands at his jeans, pulling them off and he was naked too. Kili waited impatiently for Fili to kick the jeans haphazardly out of the way before he was kissing him again.

 

Fili still felt dizzy from the sensation of Kili’s lips on his, Kili’s hands drinking him in, so it took him a moment to realise Kili’s lips were trailing down his body, kissing his way down his chest. He gave a tiny shout when Kili’s mouth closed around his cock, blissful sensation enveloping him before Kili pulled away, starting to lave him lavisciously. His hands wrapped around the base of Fili’s shaft, tongue swirling and lapping at the head. Fili’s breathing was erratic, hands stretching down to bury themselves in Kili’s hair. Kili hummed, the sensation sending a shock up Fili’s spine.

 

“Kili,” he whispered hoarsely.

 

He looked up, a trail of spit still connecting his lips to Fili, black eyes bottomless in the dim light. 

 

“I wanna do you,” Fili whispered.

 

Kili barely had time to moan yes before Fili was pulling him up, pushing him gently onto the bed and sinking to his knees between his legs.

 

Kili’s breath hitched as Fili rubbed his thumbs over his hips, reaching down to kiss the jutting bones. He lavished attention on them, enjoying the feeling of smooth skin under his lips, trembling slightly.

 

“Tease.”

 

“Never,” Fili whispered, his tongue flicking delicately at the head of Kili’s cock.

 

Kili whined as Fili gave Kili’s cock a few more tantalising licks before finally taking him down as far as he could. Kili’s groan turned into a rapturous sigh.

 

“Fili.” Kili’s voice was shaky. “I’m gonna… m’close…”

 

Fili pulled off, leaning up to kiss Kili as he scooted up the bed to make room for him. It was a clash of tongues and teeth, no longer sensual and deep like before, both of them too hot to be controlled. They both reached down, closing their hands over their arousals rubbing together.

 

Kili writhed, his other hand clenching on Fili’s shoulder. “Fee… fuck!”

 

“Come on, come on,” Fili whispered, pressing their foreheads together and squeezing his eyes shut as he felt his own release about to hit him with the force of a train.

 

Kili’s hips bucked, groans and whines falling from his lips, and their hands were suddenly covered in wet warmth. Fili followed barley a second later, sharp gasps as his orgasm painted their stomachs with white splatters.

 

Fili suddenly felt like all the bones in his body had dissolved. His arms gave way and he flopped onto his back beside Kili, narrowly avoiding squashing him completely. They lay there, panting slightly, waiting for their hearts to slow down.

 

“I’ve got tissues,” Fili mumbled when he could manage it, rolling onto his side and fumbling for the draw in his bedside cabinet.

 

“Of course you do.” Kili’s arm snaked around Fili’s waist, pressing his chest to Fili’s back.

 

“What does that mean?” Fili frowned.

 

Kili hid his smile in Fili’s shoulder. “You’re golden boy. Always so organised. So efficient.”

 

“I’m going to hope that’s a compliment,” Fili muttered, finally fishing out the tissues and swiping at the mess on his stomach. He cleaned up Kili too and threw the screwed up wads, feeling some satisfaction at seeing them fly perfectly into the bin. He lay back down, still too hot for the time being to bury himself under the covers.

 

“It was a compliment,” Kili whispered.

 

“You make me sound so bland.”

 

“Not at all. That was...” Kili sighed, almost dreamily.

 

“So do you take it back when you called my sex life… what was it? A ‘pathetic void’?”

 

“I didn’t mean it even when I said it,” Kili whispered sleepily. He shifted, turning his head towards Fili, and they arranged themselves until they were both on their sides, facing each other, legs twined and heads close together. “I was probably just jealous,” Kili yawned.

 

“Mmm,” Fili replied, stifling a yawn of his own. He let his eyes slide shut, the lateness and the weed and the adrenaline of the last half hour suddenly catching up with him.

 

“Night,” he thought he heard somebody mumble before he was falling into beautiful, blissful blackness.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to apologise in advance for the 'smut' but didn't want to give away spoilers ;) - i have never written this kind of thing before (**hides behind hands**) so any feedback would be appreciated!! 
> 
>  
> 
> hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> stuff is starting to happen!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lateness of this chapter, i meant to post earlier but i didn't want to break my pattern of updating on fridays :) hope you enjoy! as usual all comments/suggestions/feedback are more than appreciated :) X

The next morning Fili woke before his alarm and padded into the kitchen to make coffee, joined soon after by Kili, who had pulled on jeans and a jumper in his customary black. He gave Fili a quick hug before he left and promised to tidy up the mess they’d left the house in yesterday while he was at work.

 

Fili spent his morning finding it hard to concentrate and yawning a little more than he usually did. On his lunch break, he caught himself googling Skrillex - who, he learned, was not a band, but a person. He almost guffawed out loud when he came across picture of the man in question, dark straggly hair half-shaved on one side, with a distinctly familiar looking nose. He sent Kili a text (having bought Kili a new phone shortly after he’d moved in): _have found out why you love skrillex so much. you could be the same person_

 

Fili’s phone buzzed barely a minute later. _you’re blind. I don’t remember making myself half bald_

His lunch break was over before he could come up with a decent reply but half an hour later he saw he’d received another message: _by the same reasoning, I guess we know why you like Taylor Swift so much then, blondie_

Fili had never texted so fast in his life. _Where did you find that?????_

_might want to hide your ipod better in future, goldilocks_

 

When he got back, he was grateful to see the house was tidy again. Kili had even hoovered.

 

Fili felt guilty about all the junk food he’d been eating recently so set about making a stir-fry from scratch. Kili looked at him blankly when Fili asked him if he could put on some rice, and Fili laughed.

 

“You’ve never made rice before?”

 

“Doesn’t Uncle Ben’s microwavable count?”

 

Tutting in mock disapproval, Fili showed him what to do, and an hour later they were sat down at the kitchen table with steaming bowls of rice and vegetables, Kili looking immensely proud of himself.

 

After dinner they flopped in front of the television to catch a few reruns. Fili didn’t register he was dozing until he realised his cheek had migrated to Kili’s shoulder and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. With immense effort, Fili pulled himself onto his feet and said he was going to hit the sack. Kili smiled and said he wasn’t tired - Fili wasn’t worried, Kili had told him insomnia was a usual part of withdrawal, and even though it seemed to be lasting a long time, Kili insisted it was normal. He said goodnight and they shared a long hug before Fili collapsed into bed.

 

It was a similar comfortable pattern for about a week. Until one afternoon when Fili came home from work to find Kili curled up in his bed, asleep. Soon after that, they stripped the sheets in the guest bedroom and Fili emptied a couple of drawers for Kili to fill with his own possessions.

 

Fili waited for the guilt to come. It never did.

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Fili’s radio sprang softly into life, coaxing him into wakefulness on a sleepy Sunday. The room was slowly filling with light, filtering in through the blinds. Fili blinked, turning his head to gaze at his dark haired lover. Kili, unsurprisingly, was still asleep. His eyelashes fanned out over his cheeks and a lock of dark hair flopped over one eye and his nose, quivering slightly with his light breaths through barely-open lips. A light sprinkling of freckles dusted his shoulders and arms, folded over the duvet pulled up to his chest, one hand curled around the corner of his pillow.

 

“There’s something about you when you sleep that makes me feel so protective over you,” Fili whispered.

 

Kili cocked an eyebrow without opening his eyes and snorted, turning back into the pillows.

 

“I don’t need _protecting_.”

 

“Sure you don’t.”

 

“If you don’t stop I’ll hit you.”

 

“I’d like to see you try.”

 

“I did once, or have you forgotten?”

 

“I think you’re forgetting _you_ came off worse then.”

 

Kili blew a sleepy raspberry in reply, nuzzling back into his pillow.

 

“Wakey, wakey, Kili, it’s morning time.”

 

“Fuck off,” Kili whined, shoving a pillow in his vague direction. Fili grinned - ever since Kili had taken up sleeping again, it was getting harder and harder to coax him out of it.

 

He put his lips to Kili’s ear, who was pretending to be asleep again. “If you do it, I’ll make it worth your while.”

 

“...’m listening,” Kili said after a pause, voice slightly muffled by the duvet pressed against his face.

 

Fili traced his lips down Kili’s neck to his shoulder. “There will be pancakes…”

 

“… and?”

 

“… and hot chocolate,” Fili purred, interspersing every word with a kiss to the pale neck in front of him. “And omelette and mushrooms and bacon and _smoked salmon_ if you just _get up_.”

 

Kili sat up. “Alright, I’m awake.” His face blossomed into an expression of confusion as Fili smirked and hopped off the bed. “Where are you going?”

 

“Just the bathroom, you limpet. I’ll be back.”

 

Fili made his way down the hall to the bathroom, splashing some water on his face and swilling some Listerene around his mouth before turning to the loo. A sharp stinging sensation as he relieved himself almost knocked him backwards. He gritted his teeth and threw an arm out to lean against the wall, waiting for the pain to pass.

 

He heard Kili’s footsteps and his voice calling from the kitchen. “I got tired of waiting.”

 

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Fili managed to reply. He slid onto the floor and took a few deep breaths.

 

“Hurry up or I’ll have to start cooking on my ow– oops.”

 

“ _One minute!!!_ ”

 

………..

 

Fili hated going to open clinic hours, especially on weekends, but he had no choice. It was an hour before he could speak to anyone, a nurse who listened to his symptoms and handed him a cup to take a urine sample. It was another hour of waiting before his name was called and he was led to an office.

 

The man behind the desk looked up over his wire-rimmed glasses as Fili entered.

 

“You are Philip?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Take a seat. How old are you?”

 

“I’m twenty-one.”

 

“I could have guessed,” the doctor muttered. He got up out of his seat, rounding the desk to stand in front of Fili. The doctor regarded him stonily, arms crossed. “Well, it’s pretty clear what you’ve got. Have you got a new sex partner recently?”

 

“Er…” Fili was taken aback.

 

“Have you in the last month slept with someone without protection?”

 

“Um. Perhaps.”

 

“Well. You’d best hope she’s doing fine as well.”

 

“It’s a he,” Fili blurted out.

 

The doctor regarded him smugly. “Protection is _key_. It is not a joke. Even if there’s no risk of pregnancy, you and your boyfriend need to remember to-”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Fili corrected flatly without thinking, realising a split second later that only made it sound worse.

 

“I see.” The doctor crossed to the other side of the desk and scribbled something on a notepad, tearing off the sheet and handing it to him. “You’ve got chlamydia. Haven’t you heard of it before?I’m prescribing you a course of antibiotics. Your symptoms should subside in a week if you take them properly.” He opened a drawer and tossed a handful of condoms at Fili. “Take these too. And _use them_. Unless you need to be taught how to put one on?”

 

Fili left, feeling hot around the ears.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Fili comes home from the doctor's...

 

Fili stormed inside, slamming the door behind him. Kili was in the living room, Fili’s laptop on his knees. “Hey,” he greeted, his smile falling off his face at the thunderous expression Fili wore. “Hey, what -“

 

Fili didn’t let him finish, tearing off his coat and flinging it onto the sofa, fists clenched. “ _Chlamydia_ , Kili.”

 

A look of confusion passed over Kili’s face, quickly replaced with horror. “I -“

 

“You made me sick, Kili!”

 

“I didn’t mean-”

 

“Oh, sureyou didn’t,” Fili sneered. “Did you even know you had it? Eighty per cent don’t get symptoms, I should have _known_ you’d be one of them.”

 

“But... How?” Kili whispered. “We’ve never...”

 

“We didn’t have to,” Fili managed through gritted teeth. “Apparently all you need is – _contact with sexual fluids_.”

 

Kili, to his credit, did not blush. He only stared at Fili, fists still clenched as memories flashed before his eyes, all those clubs, all those raves, the number of people Kili had laid his mouth on. He screamed at himself inside his head, he should have remembered, been more careful, should have known.

 

“I didn’t think it would be a problem,” Kili said quietly, after an awkward pause. “Not if – not if we were only doing that.”

 

“Me neither. It’s not exactly the kind of details they linger on in sex ed classes, is it,” Fili replied curtly.

 

“It’s only chlamydia,” Kili whispered, trying to sound reassuring. “It could be worse…”

 

“Could be _worse?”_ Fili snapped.

 

“Well - when you said - it could have been gonorrhea or HIV or something, I don’t know.”

 

Fili’s blood boiled. “Fucking HIV? Jesus Christ, what were you _doing_?”

 

Kili stared at his hands. “Just - what I needed,” he said quietly.

 

“And what was that? Prostituting yourself, after everything everyone’s done for you?”

 

“It’s not what you think.” Kili’s voice was trembling but Fili was blind to it, his anger the only thing registering in his mind. “Not for money. At least, only a few times. And not _that_ way. Only what my job wouldn’t cover.”

 

“You fucked for money.” _And then you fucked me_. “Didn’t you even think to use protection?”

 

“Not… not really…”

 

“ _Yes or no, Kili?”_

“No,” Kili whispered.

 

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Fili managed through gritted teeth. He was so angry he was shaking. Even as Kili shrank into himself, Fili seemed to expand, his anger ballooning out of him. “You idiot. You’re a walking STI, Kili.”

 

He didn’t mean for the vengeful words to leave his mouth, but it felt so good to say them. The doctor’s voice rang in his ears, his skeptical eyes and his snotty, judgmental tone: _“Got a new sex partner recently?… Haven’t you ever heard of it before?… Protection is **key**.” Congratulations_ , he commended himself, _you fucked a druggie and this is what you get_.

 

What he didn’t expect was for Kili to stuff his trembling hands into his pockets, head bowed, mutter “Don’t be a shit,” in a quivering quiet voice, and start to cry.

 

Kili leaned against the counter, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyeballs. He heaved a few jagged sobs. “Everything I do - touch - turns to shit,” he managed between gasps.

 

“I can’t talk to you right now,” Fili muttered.

 

“Fili,” Kili pleaded, and he sounded pitiful and annoying, his voice a grating whine in Fili’s ears. “Please - can’t we talk?”

 

“What do you want to talk about? Or rather tell me? I’m all ears. So. Spill. You said you had a job.”

 

“I - I did.”

“What was your job?”

 

Kili eyed him warily. “Dealing.”

 

Fili didn’t need an explanation. “You lost it when you got caught,” he confirmed.

 

“Yes. I got bailed out but then I was on the streets. I was living in my car, but…”

 

“But?”

 

“A man’s gotta shower,” he said bluntly, meeting Fili’s eye and glaring back at him. The fragile, vulnerable Kili from moments before was fast disappearing, the old bitter version of himself returning under Fili’s ruthless onslaught.

 

 _Jesus_. Fili closed his eyes for a second, gathering his cool. “How did you come across this job in the first place?”

 

“I had it during school. I met the guy in Cambridge when I was living with you guys, how’d you like that?” he spat angrily. “I sold for him at school and to the students and after I got chucked into _that place_ he said I could come live with him in London when I got out, so I did. We picked up right where we left off. It was great.”

 

“Did... were you… “

 

“We were a couple yeah.”

 

Hot horrible jealousy burned through Fili like fury for a second. “Was he - a student?”

 

“You wouldn’t know him,” Kili told him, second-guessing the reason for his question. “He graduated years ago but he stayed on, he gets good business with the uni kids.”

 

“What’s his name?”

 

Kili regarded him carefully, as if wondering whether to tell him. “Thranduil.”

 

The name wasn’t familiar, but before Fili had a chance to think back properly, Kili went on. “Anyway, I got caught. He bailed me out but said I couldn’t live with him anymore, said I’d been caught too many times.”

 

“He left you on the streets?” Fili asked incredulously.

 

Kili shrugged. “It was an amicable split. He was right, I _had_ been caught before, I was a liability. Truth was he didn’t actually bail me out, he bribed the cops there to let me out so I didn’t go to prison, or I would have done.”

 

“Maybe you _should_ have done,” Fili suggested savagely. “Gone in, got clean. Maybe you would have come out a better person.”

 

“I don’t do well in institutions,” Kili snapped. “Remember? I was in rehabfor two months and fat lot of use it did me!”

 

“You didn’t try hard enough,” Fili snarled. “And stop saying it like that, it was rehab, not the seventh circle of hell. Now look at you.”

 

“How would you know, you’ve never been there!”

Kili’s hands were shaking, with anger this time. He stuffed them back into his pockets and looked into the far corner of the room. “You know, it hurts when you say it,” he said after a pause. “Anyone else, it doesn’t. I say it to myself all the time. But it’s different with you.”

 

His voice cracked on the last word and he began coughing, as though to cover it up. Fili felt a wash of shame sweep over him. He crossed the room, grabbing Kili and pulling him roughly into his arms. Kili’s fake coughs dissolved into hiccups on his shoulder, strangled sobs that sounded as though he was desperately trying to stifle them.

 

“I’m sorry. I hate this, arguing, Fili-“

 

“Forget about it,” Fili muttered. “Let’s – let’s do something.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were lying on the carpet when Fili came to. He was higher than he’d ever been - Kili had strong stuff. He usually didn’t do this during the week, saved it for weekends, he had work tomorrow.

 

He didn’t realise Kili was talking until the noise entering his ears finally became words, morphed from dim sounds into something he could understand. He wasn’t sure what was making Kili speak, unless he’d asked him a question, yes, he _had_ asked a question, but he’d forgotten what it was. Fili felt like he was holding onto several strands of thought at once like a bunch of helium balloons, all vying for his attention, it was like a battle in his brain. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to think, he wanted to eat, he wanted to lie here and never move again. But when he realised what Kili was saying, he clung onto it, that golden string calling his name, listening with all his might.

 

“...I could never tell if Dwalin liked me. He liked mum, loved her. I think he thought I was awful to her and he just wanted to protect her. But it wasn’t… if my dad hadn’t met her and messed her up in the first place…”

 

Kili’s voice swam in and out of his ears as the rest of his senses fought for attention. Fili wondered if he was asleep. But no, he could hear, feel. Maybe this was a dream.

 

“It wasn’t all bad. They were in love, in their way, at first. They made it work. And then he left just after I was born and she got stuck with me.”

 

Fili found his voice. “What an asshole.” His words were slow, like his throat was gummed with tar. He thought of his own family, loving and kind, Bilbo and Thorin solid as a rock. Never apart. No one ever alone. “I couldn’t… imagine… how that would be.”

 

“I never had a dad. And you had _two_. I only had a man who came by every couple of months, then every couple of years, and only when he was in a good mood. He’d take me out and buy me presents, stuff like that but he’d never talk to mum. He said a few times about taking me away with him. And she’d cry and I’d cry and he’d get angry and shout and then it’d be another few months before I saw him again. And every time he left, she’d go back into the dark place, and we’d have to move so he couldn’t find us and every time she said it was a clean slate. But she’d always get better. And then she could be doing really well and he’d turn up and everything would go downhill again. Then he stopped coming. I think he’s dead.”

 

“How old were you when you last saw him?”

 

“Twelve. He came a week after my birthday with a cake. He didn’t get the date right but at least he tried.”

 

“If only we’d known.” Fili’s voice was distant, disembodied, even as he felt his throat forming the words, the syllables shaped on his lips. “We didn’t know any of this.”

 

“She didn’t want anyone to know, I guess. She was ashamed. She had no excuse, except that she was pathetic. A pathetic woman with a pathetic life and a pathetic son.”

 

“You’re not pathetic. None of you are.”

 

Fili counted Kili’s breaths, ten of them, in the silence after his words. Finally, Kili sighed. “Tell me something about you. It seems like we’re always talking about me.”

 

“Because you’re much more interesting,” Fili told him, a sloppy half-grin spreading across his face. His eyes slid shut. Kili nudged him.

 

“Seriously. I want to forget this. All this, for a bit. Please.”

 

Fili racked his brains, but they sluggishly refused to cooperate. Something, anything. Fun facts. Memories of freshers’ week in college, when they’d make you play those stupid games about telling two truths and one lie, and people had to guess which statement was false.

 

“I’m Finnish,” he said at last.

 

“You’re what?”

 

“I’m from Finland. I was born in Helsinki, it’s on my birth certificate. Thorin and Bilbo were living there when they adopted me.”

 

“I didn’t know that.” Fili felt Kili shift beside him, felt a tentative hand tracing two light fingers stroking down his face. “Explains the colouring.”

 

Fili didn’t react, just let Kili feather his fingers across his cheekbones. He wanted to lean into Kili’s fingertips, but something was stopping him. He was’t sure if it was his brain, still mad, or the fact that his body couldn’t move even if it wanted to.

 

“There’s so much we still don’t know about each other,” Kili whispered.

 

“Not after today there isn’t.” Fili’s voice was slow and thick. Kili retracted his fingers and laid back down, their heads so close they could sense the steady pounding in each others temples, almost touching.

 

“Do you forgive me?” Kili asked quietly.

 

“Ish. Maybe when I’m done my course of antibiotics.”

 

“I didn’t mean to,” Kili murmured sadly. Fili didn’t answer. His brain was wandering again. He felt as if he was melded to the carpet, his mind and body turning to treacle, seeping through the fibres.

 

“What does heroin feel like, Kili?”

 

It was a mistake, he knew it. But he’d been wondering. He heard Kili’s deep intake of breath.

 

“It feels …. like an angel has come down and taken all your worries away. She’s beautiful. But that’s only the beginning. It’s the best thing in the world. Don’t ever do it, Fili.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter wasn't very planned at first but it has become one of my favourites. it seemed a good way to finally reveal the missing bits about Kili's past, and more about their relationship and each of their personalities. controversial? perhaps. let me know what you think and please ask if anything wants more explaining! 
> 
> thanks for all the comments so far :) its wonderful hearing what you think and i find your comments so useful for future writing. hoping ill still be able to update next friday, but if not it then it may be the end of next weekend! X
> 
> Also: the description of heroin at the end of the chapter based on other people's accounts, in particular this one written by a former addict: http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/700-words-that-explain-exactly-what-it-feels-like-to-do-hero#.ywydpoldj its powerful as well as extremely informative and what I'm basing Kili's experiences on in this story


	21. Chapter 21

Fili woke up in increments. First he was aware of his body, sunk into the mattress like it and been practically cemented there, cozy and warm. Then he was aware of his head, nestled softly into his fat white pillows. Then he was aware of his mind, cogs sluggishly moving back into life. When he opened his eyes Kili was already awake, watching him.

“Morning,” Fili muttered. He let his eyes slide shut for one more minute before, then, with what felt like an almighty effort, pulled himself out of his cocoon and headed for the kitchen.

Fili opened a drawer and took out the box he’d picked up at the pharmacy yesterday, briefly scanning the label before tearing open a sachet and emptying it into a glass of water. He was aware of Kili padding into the kitchen behind him as he stirred it briefly, taking a gulp and shuddering.

“What’s that?”

“Antibiotics.” Fili shuddered again as he drained the last of the glass. They were sweet and disgusting and the grit at the bottom which hadn’t dissolved properly hit the back of his throat and made him want to hack. He poured himself a glass of juice to chase away the foul taste. 

“Didn’t you have work today?”

“Yeah, but I can miss a morning.” Fili shoved some bread in the toaster. “Breakfast?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Fili frowned. Usually Kili was much more enthusiastic about food. He turned and saw Kili staring at the floor, his expression unreadable. He blinked.

“Is - is that my tshirt?”

Kili looked up, then back down. “Uh, yeah. Hope you don’t mind?” His voice went up at the end of his sentence, sounding apprehensive. Fili sighed.

“Come here,” he said, opening his arms. Fili caught a glimpse of the grateful smile on Kili’s face before it was hidden in his shoulder. 

“I didn’t mean to shout yesterday,” Fili muttered. “I’m - urgh, I’m terrible at apologies.” 

Kili made a noise that could be somewhere between a grunt and a snort.

“I wasn’t fair. And I haven’t been fair, this whole time. I’ve been a colossal dick. And yesterday – I didn’t mean it. I’ve just got a fuck of a temper when I’m angry or frustrated.”

“Runs in the family,” Kili teased, pulling back a little and smiling. Fili flinched. Kili’s face clouded over. “Sorry.”

“I should be saying sorry,” Fili sighed. “Sorry for – well, everything. Not just yesterday, all of it. Being so mean. Unkind. Not understanding. I wish – “

“It’s not like you could have known -” Kili tried but Fili interrupted him. 

“That’s no excuse. Seriously, I never meant to hurt you but I did, I know I did.” Fili rested his head gently against Kili’s. “Can you forgive me?” 

“Of course. You weren’t to know, Fee. And it’s not like I’ve been an angel either.”

“That makes two of us,” Fili murmured. “Thank you. But today we take you to the clinic, yes?”

Kili nodded, pulling away from the embrace. “Yeah.”

“I was wondering as well,” Fili began, his heart beating a little faster as he prepared to say what he was about to say, deciding he might as well get it all out while he could. “We could get you enrolled into classes too.”

“Like… back to school?” Fili hated himself for the way Kili’s face dropped.

“No, no.” He reached for Kili’s hand. “Like evening classes. For people who never got the chance to finish school, like you. So you can get some qualifications, so you’re not - “ Fili realised he was making a mess of explaining so reached for his briefcase. “They had some ads for it at the office,” he said, thrusting a brochure in Kili’s face.

Kili took the brochure slowly. “It’s expensive,” he said finally.

“I’d pay for it, of course. I want to do something for you. To apologise. Please.”

Kili was silent as he stared at the booklet. 

“Well, you don’t need to decide now,” Fili told him, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Think about it.”

…………….

The doctor’s consultation went better than they expected - at least the nasty doctor Fili saw wasn’t around. They swung by the pharmacy to pick up Kili’s meds before going home. They didn’t speak much over dinner and it didn’t surprise Fili that Kili said he wasn’t tired that night, whether or not it was true. 

The atmosphere remained tense for a week until Fili suggested after another almost silent dinner that they go to the pub down the road for a drink. It was crowded, and Fili, walking back to their table cradling two pints from the bar, almost spilled them both as a groping hand reached out and pinched his rear. 

In seconds Kili was beside him, seething, growling “Don’t touch him.” The man who had accosted Fili just smirked, eyes widening a split second before Kili’s fist flew at him. 

It was blur of bodies and bloody punches and the roars of observers, which ended with all of them thrown onto the street by the irate bartender. Fili hauled Kili up to the flat and sat him on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, pulling out the first aid kit from under the sink and working to keep his temper under control. 

Kili’s hands were still shaking as Fili dabbed antiseptic onto his split knuckles. “I’ve never done that before,” he said softly. 

“You surprise me.”

“I haven’t. I’ve been in fights, but I’ve never started one.”

“Why start now?” Fili asked, voice carefully blank.

“I don’t know. I think - he made me so angry, touching you like that. I guess – I think I love you.” Kili’s voice was hesitant, lips quirking ruefully. 

“I love you too,” Fili said quietly. Kili’s face cracked into an irresistible smile, despite the blood gathering at the corner of his lip. 

“But don’t go punching anyone else because of it, okay?” Fili added, hiding a small smile of his own.

A few days later Kili asked Fili if he could see that brochure about evening classes again, and a week after that Fili came home to find Kili buzzing from his induction day.

“I didn’t even know you could do Film Studies as an A-level! It’s amazing, it’s basically watching movies and getting graded on it!”

“It’s a bit more complex than that,” Fili told him, smiling.

“Yeah, but still, tonight my first piece of homework is to write a paragraph about my five favourite films. And you can do Food Studies too! That’s basically being graded to cook shit and eat it!”

“Of your three subjects can you please pick at least one that is worth sticking on a CV?” Fili implored. 

“Don’t be such a snob! I thought you’d be supportive if I wanted to learn how to cook. Remember the fiasco with the spaghetti?”

“I will never forget the fiasco with the spaghetti,” Fili assured him, suppressing a shudder.

Eventually, Kili whittled down his subjects to sociology, film studies, and, to Fili’s surprise, politics. But Fili understood when Kili came back from his first seminar, smiling from ear to ear.

“They actually care what I’ve got to say,” he told Fili ecstatically. “Today we had a debate and it was fantastic, you’re allowed to have an opinion and they don’t just tell you you’re wrong.”

“I’m glad,” Fili smiled.

“But they gave me homework. An essay. I have to write it.”

“That’s what tends to happen at school.”

“I hate writing.”

“Maybe politics wasn’t such a great choice then,” Fili laughed.

“Well, it’s not that I hate it, I like talking about it and thinking about it, it’s just writing it down is so hard. I can’t find the words to fit the sentences together.”

“Sometimes it just takes time. You’ve got to get it down first, then you rewrite it to make it sound better,” Fili suggested. 

“I try, but it never sounds right. They thought I was dyslexic for a while, cos mum has it quite badly.” Fili froze for a heartbeat at the mention of Dis, but Kili went on nonplussed. “But I tested negative. I’m probably just lazy.” He huffed, making the hair flopping onto his forehead jump erratically.

“Maybe,” Fili teased. 

“Fili, you were good at essays at school...”

“I’ll look it over if you want, but I won’t write it for you, Kee.”

“Fine. And I’ll need to type it, but I don’t have a computer. Oh, sugar daddy...?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, i love hearing what you guys think :) X


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the slightly shorter chapter - its kind of a filler to set up for the next few events in the story. hope you enjoy nonetheless! X

“I got a job today,” Kili told him as they sat down for a late dinner of curry and rice in front of the television.

“Oh really? Well done you,” Fili ruffled his hair teasingly, laying a kiss on Kili’s neck with a laugh at the sight of Kili’s glower.

“Yes. At a bar. It’s called Qube.”

“Qube,” Fili repeated.

“Yeah.”

“And it’s a bar?”

“Yes, Cambridge man, weren’t you listening?”

Fili hesitated. “Are you sure - that’s a good idea? I mean - it’s not going to make you… regress?”

“It’s not that kind of place,” Kili told him. “It’s a cocktail bar, it’s classy.” 

“Still. I don’t know. It’s just - the whole environment. You know?”

“It’s one of the only things I know how to do. And it fits with my classes. And trust me, it’s fine, it’s a nice place and it’s fun. And, oh no, horror of horrors, the manager actually likes me.”

At that, Fili laughed. “Well in that case, you’d better take the job before he changes his mind!”

“It’s a she, actually. And good thing you said that, because I already did! So there|”

“Good.” Fili smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

“It’s just a job, no need to be patronising.”

“It’s a step in the right direction. And you owe me money,” he added teasingly. “Maybe I’ll start adding interest.”

“I’ll start as soon as I get my first pay check!” Kili promised dramatically. Fili laughed, but was interrupted by his phone. Fili gave his dinner a mournful glance before pulling his mobile out of his pocket, walking out of the room so as not to disturb Kili.

“Hello?”

“Well, hello there stranger!”

“Hey Ori!” 

“Nice of you to keep in touch.”

“Sorry, I’ve been busy.”

“Is that Fili? Hey, say hi to Fili for me!” Fili heard a slurred, loose voice in the background. Ori spoke again, low and quiet. “Tauriel says hi. Save me, Fili, I’m alone with her and Legolas at a party and the phrase ‘third wheel’ has taken on a whole new meaning.”

Fili snickered. “Is that what that noise is? Are you in a club?”

“Are you not? It’s Friday night.”

“I’m kind of at home.”

“You were always so boring.” Ori sounded fond. “Seriously, though, Fili, save me, Tauriel and Legolas are UNBELIEVABLY touch-feely when they get drunk. I feel like my eyes are being violated.”

“I would feel sorry for you, but it’s your own fault for tagging along.”

“Well I didn’t know they were still going to be on heat all evening!”

“Charming.” 

“Anyway. More importantly. What are you doing for your birthday?”

“My birthday?” Fili repeated blankly. “Oh, shit. It’s in two weeks.”

“How could you possibly forget! Have you made any plans?”

“Not really.”

“Aw, no big parties? I was hoping for another big party.”

“Nah. I’m boring, remember? I was thinking I’d probably go home for the weekend.”

“Wait, which weekend is that?”

“The one… in two weeks time, I guess.”

“OH MY GOD, yes! You need to come to my show!”

“You’re in a show?” Fili repeated.

“Yes, I am, something you would know if you would just pick up a phone once in a while! I’m in ‘Wicked’ can you believe it!”

“I think I’ve heard of that one,” Fili teased. “So your showbiz dreams are finally kicking off?”

“Well… I’m kind of an understudy at the moment. But hey, maybe I’ll push Fiyero down the stairs when he’s on his way to make-up or something and get my big shot!”

“I hope you’re kidding.”

“You know me…”

“Exactly. But still, I don’t know… I might have to think about it.”

“What’s to think about, It’s ‘Wicked’, it’s awesome. And I’m in it so if you don’t come you’re a bad friend.”

“Nice blackmail.”

“You know it. Ew, guys, get a room!” Ori’s voice sounded disapproving before he turned back to the phone. “Honestly, Fili, they’re kissing so loudly it sounds like someone unblocking a toilet!”

“And you wonder why you’re single,” Fili muttered.

“What was that? I can’t hear you, the music is too loud.”

“Nothing,” Fili replied. “Anyway, I should go. Enjoy your party.”

“If I don’t pull soon, I’m going home.”

“Have fun, Ori.”

“You didn’t tell me it was your birthday,” Kili accused as Fili hung up.

“Didn’t I? It doesn’t really matter.” Fili heaved a sigh and plopped down onto the sofa. 

“So you’re going home?”

“Yeah. I haven’t seen my dads for ages. Besides, I need a break from this city every so often. You know?”

“I guess.”

“I was going to ask you if you wanted to come,” Fili said. “They’d love to see you.”

“Would they?” Kili sounded doubtful.

“Of course,” Fili replied. “They were so worried after you’d gone.”

“I was so horrible to them.”

“They always forgive.” 

Kili gnawed on his thumb and pretended to concentrate on the TV. “If you’re sure,” he said finally. “Were they - really worried?”

“Of course. They care about you. They’ll be so happy to see you, I promise.”

“Even Thorin?”

“Especially Thorin.” Fili sighed. “Now are you going to stop being insecure and come or not? It’s for my birthday. I’ll pay for the petrol.” Fili tried his best puppy eyes. Kili’s frown broke into an acquiescent smile.

“Fine, I’ll come, if you pull the birthday card. You look like a guppy with an eye infection when you do that, you know.”

“Great. I’ll give them a call tomorrow.” He rewarded KIli with a kiss on the cheek. Kili turned halfway through and pressed his lips to Fili’s.

“I need to eat,” Fili whined, glancing sideways at his plate of rapidly cooling food. 

“Don’t care.” In one swift move Fili was on his back, and Kili straddling his hips. He lowered his head and dragged his teeth along Fili’s neck. “I’ve agreed to go with you to Cambridge - now you can do something for me.”

Between Ori and Kili, Fili would probably never eat again.


	23. Chapter 23

 

“ _I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU… I’M FEELING TWENTY-TWO…”_

Fili woke up with a jolt. He rolled onto his back, groping for his phone and sliding it to snooze - just five more minutes. He dimly registered that last time he checked that song had most definately _not_ been his alarm tune, but he was too sleepy to linger on it, instead settling back into his pillows with a soft contented sigh.

 

A warm heavy weight settled across his hips.

 

“Happy birthday Fee,” Kili whispered in his ear.

 

“Mmmf.” Fili forced his eyes open, blinking til his vision became clear, seeing Kili’s smiling face a foot away from his own.

 

“Wake up. You’re twenty two.”

 

“I got that.” He rubbed his eyes, grimacing.

 

Kili pushed an envelope into his hands. “Open it.”

 

“Aw, my first birthday card.” Fili slit open the envelope and pulled out a card, white with a blue cross on it. He opened it curiously and was faced with a jumble of letters he didn’t recognize - a lot of ‘a’s had a lot more dots than he was used to. He stared at it, not comprehending.

 

“It’s says happy birthday in Finnish. Or what Google translate thinks is happy birthday in Finnish.”

 

“Is that what it is? I thought I just couldn’t read the terrible handwriting,” Fili teased.

 

Kili punched him in the arm. “Shut up.”

 

Fili looked back at the front of the card, recognizing the Finnish flag, and chuckled. “Thank you. And thanks for changing my alarm. Really motivational.”

 

“I thought you liked Taylor Swift?”

 

Fili grunted, reaching for his phone again and swiping at the screen. He frowned. “It’s ten to seven. I don’t need to be out of bed for another half hour!”

 

“I know.” Kili trailed his hands down Fili’s chest. “But I didn’t get you a present so I was hoping I could make it up to you in other ways.”

 

“Hmm.” Fili pretended to think as Kili lowered his head and began tracing kisses down his jawline. “I would’t say not to that,” he breathed as Kili’s tongue flickered against the corner of his mouth. “But -“

 

Kili drew back, confused, as Fili fumbled in the bedside drawer. He pulled out a box of tic-tacs. Kili threw his head back and laughed.

 

“Hot. I mean, really sexy.”

 

“You know being minty fresh will only make it better,” Fili said amusedly, shaking the box and holding one out. Kili closed his lips around Fili’s fingers, never breaking eye contact, sucking as he drew them further into his mouth. Fili felt a distinct stirring underneath the covers.

 

Kili’s eyes sparkled with mischief as he pulled away, leaning down to palm at the growing hardness between Fili’s legs.

 

“I love you. Even when you can be so unbelievably like Ross from _Friends_.”

 

\------

 

“Boys!”

 

“Hey dad!” Fili grinned as his father’s hazel eyes widened in surprise.

 

“Oh my goodness! How wonderful to see you, both of you!”

 

“Told you I was bringing a surprise didn’t I?” Fili chuckled. “Look what I found in the backstreets.”

 

“Ha ha Fili,” Kili muttered, rolling his eyes as Bilbo overwhelmed him in a huge hug. He took a step back, regarding Kili astoundedly, holding him at arms length.

 

“ _Kili!_ So wonderful to see you, how are you?”

 

“We’re fine,” Fili answered quickly. “We’re living together actually.”

 

“Living together?” The confusion behind Bilbo’s eyes increased.

 

“Saves on rent,” Kili supplied, Fili nodding in agreement.

 

“But…” The expression of utter bafflement on Bilbo’s face was almost comical. “When did you - how did – last time we – well never mind, anyway! Your father’s just in the kitchen,” he added, ushering them down the hall. “Brunch is nearly finished.”

 

Thorin greeted them with a warm smile as they crossed the threshold. “Fili!” he began, but stopped as his eyes landed on Kili.

 

“Fili brought Kili too! Isn’t that nice!” Bilbo chirruped happily, swanning in behind them and setting about making coffee. Thorin’s eyes hadn’t left Kili’s face; Kili’s already tenuous smile faltered - Fili knew his show of bravado earlier was a facade. His heart stopped for a moment, then restarted as Thorin pulled Kili into a tight hug, his smile widening.

 

“Good to see you, lad.”

 

“Don’t I get a hug first, it’s my birthday,” Fili groused good-naturedly. Thorin let go of Kili, who turned his face downwards quickly to hide his flushing cheeks, and Thorin folded Fili into a hug too.

 

“Happy birthday, son.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

They sat down for a hearty brunch. Thorin and Bilbo could barley stop goggling as Kili and Fili chattered away, jokes and laughter flying between them.

 

“Gosh,” Bilbo muttered. “The difference is… well, incredible. Not that we’re not pleased!” he added hastily. “It’s wonderful to see you getting along so well!”

 

Kili laughed. “I know. Well, you learn to get along when you live together.”

 

“How did this happen?”

 

Fili’s brain blanked, but luckily Kili was quicker on the ball. “I had a roommate, but I needed a new place to stay. And then I bumped into Fili at the supermarket -” ... _or on the streets..._ “- and he said he had a spare room and offered to let me move in.” _In a manner of speaking._ “Out of the goodness of his heart,” Kili added.

 

Fili didn’t want to look up and see his parents’ ecstatic smiles, bursting with pride, so distracted himself by taking another bite of mushrooms. “Have we got anything planned this weekend?” he asked.

 

“Well…” Something in Thorin’s tone made Fili look up with trepidation to see Bilbo holding up four green rectangles, the word ‘ _Wicked_ ’ splayed across them in curly sprawling script. Fili half groaned, half laughed.

 

“Ori got to you did he?”

 

“You bet,” Thorin grinned.

 

“I love musicals,” Bilbo beamed. “It’s been years since I’ve seen one!”

 

“What’s it about?” Kili asked.

 

“You’ve never heard of it?” Fili asked, incredulous.

 

“Well, vaguely. I’ve seen it on posters on the tube.”

 

“It’s about -“

 

“Don’t spoil the surprise,” Thorin chided, standing up to clear the plates from the table.

 

Bilbo beamed. “I can’t wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued...


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which it kicks off

 

After everything was washed and cleaned up, Fili stretched and yawned. “What do you want to do?” he asked Kili. “I’m thinking movie marathon, take advantage of the free Sky…”

 

“You can do as much of that as you like tomorrow, but as of this afternoon, I want you out of the house!” Bilbo interrupted, pushing Fili into the hall. “Go into town, make some noise! Can you keep him distracted for me, Kili?””

 

“Will do, m’lord!” Kili gave a mock salute, pulling their jackets off the coat rack and handing Fili his.

 

“Why?” Fili demanded. “I only just got here.”

 

“You’ll see,” Bilbo winked.

 

Fili saw Kili’s hands reaching for the buttons of his coat, as though he were about to start doing them up. He grabbed them and started doing them up himself. “What time are we allowed to be back?” he grumbled.

 

“About four, I should think,” Bilbo smiled pleasantly. “Enjoy yourselves.”

 

“Thanks.” He barely got the word out before Kili was pushing him out of the door.

 

“You’re plotting,” Fili accused. Kili shrugged mischievously.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“It’s got to do with my birthday, hasn’t it?”

 

Kili gave a noncommittal hum. “What do you want to do?”

 

“Dunno. We could just look round the shops?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They strolled window-shopping – although it was only November, Christmas deals were starting to stack up on the shelves. Fili was surprised to see how little had changed in the little town; it had felt like years since he’d left so much had happened. He chuckled to himself, thinking of this time a year ago – if anyone had told him just where he’d be in only twelve months, he would never have believed them.

 

Kili pointed to a coffee shop and suggested they sit down with some hot chocolates. Joining the queue, Fili found himself staring at a familiar sweep of ginger hair right in front of him.

 

“Oh, no way,” he laughed aloud, and two heads turned, recognition dawning on two faces.

 

“FILI!”

 

Tauriel threw her arms around him and they both laughed. “What are you doing here?” they chorused.

 

“Seeing Ori’s play?” Tauriel’s eyes sparkled.

 

“Us too! And seeing my parents.”

 

“Oh wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!” Tauriel chanted, giving him another squeeze.

 

“You remember Kili,” Fili said as they broke apart.

 

“Hi.” Kili waved, smiling. Tauriel looked slightly taken aback by his friendliness but smiled back. “Of course. This is Legolas, I’m not sure if you’ve met…?”

 

The four of them sat outside with their drinks, defiantly ignoring the wintery chill settling in the air. Tauriel and Fili did most of the talking, though Kili and Legolas made a valiant effort to contribute to the conversation. Eventually, when they had done catching up, the conversation turned to more general things.

 

It was clear that Legolas and Tauriel, even six months on, were still going strong. Their twined hands somehow made it onto the table, and every glance and word they shared spoke of some deep understanding that was borderline nauseous to watch. Fili recalled his phone conversation with Ori a few weeks ago and began to sympathise. Kili’s knee brushed his against the table and Fili quickly shifted to cross his legs. He thought he saw Kili’s face fall. A few minutes later Kili pulled a pouch of tobacco and some skins from his pocket and started rolling. Fili frowned internally - Kili had been doing so well to cut down.

 

“Mind if I borrow your lighter?” Legolas asked delicately, producing a carton from his own coat pocket and pulling out a long white cigarette, a small gold band above the filter.

 

“… I’ve barely seen Ori recently. He’s been so busy with rehearsals all the time,” Tauriel was saying, and Fili turned his attention back to her. “I’m looking forward to tonight.”

 

“It’ll be great.”

 

An hour later they said goodbye, Tauriel and Legolas promising they’d see them later. Fili and Kili returned to the streets, wondering what to do. Kili’s hand brushed against his, whether it was on purpose or by accident Fili wasn’t sure. He stuffed his own hands in his pockets.

 

“Maybe we could pop down to the pub? See if Bofur’s there, it’d be nice to -“

 

“Are you ashamed of me?” Kili interrupted suddenly.

 

Fili stared at him. “What?”

 

“Do you not want to be seen with me?”

 

“Kili - what? We’re out now, aren’t we?”

 

Kili was glowering, his eyes a little too bright. “Yeah. But every time I touch you, you shy away or pull your hand off. Is it – are you embarassed?”

 

“Kee, it’s not that,” Fili hissed.

 

“Well, it _feels_ that way and I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you, I’m sorry I’m just some recovering druggie who’s not good enough to be seen hanging off the arm of his precious royal highn-“

 

“Kili!” Fili grabbed his elbow and pulled them down a side street, away from the shoppers having to swerve around where they’d stopped on the pavement, sending them curious looks over their shoulders. “Please, _not now_.”

 

“If not now, then when?” Kili snapped. He gestured at his arm, jacket sleeve clenched in Fili’s fist. “This is the most contact I’ve had from you all day! I know we said it was too early to tell Bilbo and Thorin but if you don’t think I’m good enough for you then just tell me and we can call this whole thing off.”

 

“Kili, it’s not that!” Fili let out a frustrated huff. “Just - we’re _cousins_.”

 

“That didn’t stop you before! You were the one who kissed _me_ , remember?”

 

“Of course I remember,” Fili replied through gritted teeth. “But we’re _family._ ”

 

“We’re not even related! You’re adopted, or have you forgotten?”

 

“I know that! But we’re still family and people know that!”

 

“You’d hold my hand in London.”

 

“Where no one knows us, it’s one thing. But here - I grew up here. I could bump into anyone I know at any moment. Or even anyone who knows Bilbo or Thorin and - they would think it’s weird.”

 

“So what?”

 

“Kili,” Fili groaned. He pulled his arm away and ran his fingers through his hair. They’d emerged onto the green and were now strolling along the neat lawn. Fili gestured to a park bench and they sat down. Kili was still glowering, fists balled in his pockets.

 

“I know you’re blessed with a complete lack of fucks for anything anyone else thinks,” Fili said quietly. “But - I do. I love you and everything but it’s just not - normal.” Fili winced as the word left his mouth.

 

Kili didn’t reply, but continued glaring at the dirt between his feet. Fili hated being ignored. He reached out and laid a hand on Kili’s leg, willing him to look at him. Kili raised his head finally, but didn’t look at him. His eyes focused on something just beyond Fili’s ear. “Fuck’s sake,” he muttered. “The only thing that could make this any worse.”

 

Fili followed his eyes and his heart sank as he saw Bard, strolling along the gravel path that cut through the park. He almost groaned as he noticed Bard appeared to be making a beeline for them. _Not now,_ he prayed.

 

He withdrew his hand as Bard came into earshot and tried to smile.

 

To Fili’s horror, it almost looked as though Bard was going to stop and chat. But something in Kili’s glower and the pained expression on Fili’s face had him nodding politely at them as he walked past, his feet not stopping as they carried him rapidly away from them down the path. Fili breathed an internal sigh of relief.

 

Kili’s narrowed eyes followed Bard’s retreating back.

 

“I hate that guy,” Kili muttered.

 

“You don’t even know him,” Fili pointed out, surprised at Kili’s venom.

 

“Don’t need to. He’s so - charming. It’s annoying.”

 

“You’ve met him, what, twice?”

 

“I know he’s an asshole. There was one time, after we fought...I was so angry. That night I saw him.”

 

“You hit him?” he said, shocked.

 

“What, _no_. I wanted to annoy _you_. I tried to get with him.” Kili glower told Fili the all he needed to know about how much of a success that had been. Fili stifled a snort of laughter and Kili looked at him in surprise.

 

“Just because he didn’t get with you doesn’t mean he’s an asshole. You don’t know anything about him.”

 

“Yes I do, a bit. He was one of my friends’ English tutors. I may have… asked,” Kili muttered.

 

“Is that why you called him Mr Poetry?” Fili realised, thinking back to months ago. “I wondered how you knew that.”

 

“That and I could have guessed from the dweeby clothes.”

 

Fili laughed. “Your’e not one to talk about dweeby clothes.”

 

“Escuse me?!” Kili looked haughty.

 

“Were you jealous? Is that why you hate him?” Fili teased. Kili’s face coloured. “Oh. You were.”

 

“Shut up,” Klii mumbled. Fili laughed again, and scooted along the bench to throw an arm around Kili’s shoulders, who tried to shrug it off.

 

“You can’t bug me about not touching you all afternoon then get away that easy,” Fili told him. Kili stopped squirming and sighed.

 

“Are we good?”

 

“We’re always good, as far as I’m concerned,” Fili assured him.

 

“Cool.” Fili could tell Kili was resisting the urge, as he was, to kiss him on the cheek. But he settled for a smile and a brief squeeze of Fili’s wrist before he jumped up, holding out a hand. “I think it’s past four. We should go home.”

 

“The sun’s almost set,” Fili realised, glancing to the west, where long shadows were stretching over from the trees over the lawn.

 

“Yup. Time for Batman to bring Lois Lane home.”

 

Fili took Kili’s hand with a wry chuckle, letting him help haul him to his feet. “Your self-esteem is in dire need of a pick-me-up today.”

 

“What?” Kili looked confused. “I’d be Batman.”

 

Fili’s eyebrows furrowed. “No way. _I_ would be Batman. You might be Robin. You are _so_ Robin.”

 

“Robin?! But Robin sucks!”

 

“No he doesn’t!”

 

“Compared to Batman he does!”

 

“Are we going to argue about this all the way home?”

 

Kili threw back his head and laughed. “Arguing? Us?...”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the kind of lame ending - i'm not happy with it but i got so stuck that was what seemed the best idea at the time! X


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who remembers chapter 10?!?

 

When they got back it became clear what had kept Bilbo so busy and why Fili had been forced into exile for the afternoon. There was bunting draped over what was a veritable birthday feast of all Fili’s favourite foods and the remnant smell of cake baking lingered in the air, the source of which was revealed after the meal when Bilbo brought through an immense lemon gateau, heaving with brightly-lit candles. Fili squeezed his eyes shut and blew them out with immense huff. When he opened his eyes, one flame was still burning brightly.

 

“What a pity, if you’d managed them all you could have made a wish,” Bilbo teased. Fili made a wish anyway as he brought the knife down into the middle of the cake and began serving it out.

 

They had barely half an hour afterwards to get showered and dressed for the play, Bilbo squeaking about being late as he chivied them out of the door, Fili hopping with only one shoe and Thorin halfway through buttoning his shirt. Fili was pleased to see just how crowded the theatre was as they edged their way to their seats in one of the upper tiers.

 

Kili didn’t stop asking questions until the music started and several people behind made loud shushing noises. Fili realised he’d forgotten how much he liked the theatre as the munchkins began to sing and Galinda descended from the ceiling amidst a cloud of bubbles, her high pure voice carrying melodically through the air.

 

When Fiyero entered, Fili was shocked to recognise Ori beneath the almost offensive amount of makeup - maybe he _hadn’t_ been joking when he said he would push the main actor down the stairs. He also froze as he took in Ori’s costume, a billowing white shirt underneath a scarlet waistcoat, paired with what were possibly the tightest pair of trousers known to man. Next to him, Kili pressed a hand to his mouth, and Fili heard his muffled attempts to hold back his giggles.

 

“Isthat _-_ “

 

“ _Yes. That is most definitely a sock. That has GOT to be a sock_.”

 

Other than the trousers, Fili was impressed by Ori’s performance. He had a clear, strong voice that trembled and soared in all the right places, and his acting, if a little flamboyant, was spot-on.

 

“He’s hardly acting, really,” Fili muttered to Kili. “This is basically him in real life.”

 

They stood up at the end, clapping til their hands hurt, and Fili wolf-whistled as Ori practically skipped on stage, giving an unnecessary low and extravagant bow.

 

“Still in character,” Fili chuckled.

 

Back at home the family flopped onto cushy chairs in the sitting room. Thorin passed around his bottle of Old Scotch and they sipped it on the rocks alongside third helpings of birthday cake.

 

“Well, it’s been a wonderful evening,” Bilbo sighed contentedly, patting his full stomach. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

 

“Fun,” Thorin echoed sleepily.

 

Bilbo giggled. “Time to get this one to bed, I think.”

 

“Me too,” Fili yawned.

 

“It’s like nothing’s changed,” Kili said as they pulled on their pyjamas in their still-shared room.

 

“Nothing _has_ changed.” Fili threw his clothes into a corner and slid into bed.

 

“Goodnight lads!” Thorin called from down the corridor.

 

“Night!” they chorused. Bilbo poked his head around the door.

 

“Sleep well, you two.”

 

“Thanks. Good night!”

 

Bilbo closed the door behind him.

 

“You alright to turn off the light?” Fili asked.

 

“Yeah, nearly done.”

 

Fili clicked off the light and sighed as he settled more comfortably into his warm duvet. He missed this bed, there was something about his bedroom in London which didn’t quite feel like home yet. It was nice to be back, surrounded by the familiar trinkets and silly baubles he’d gathered over the years, the ones he didn’t realise made such a difference until he’d had to leave them behind.

 

He was interrupted in his musings as the bed dipped on his left side and a dark figure pushed back his covers to curl up around him.

 

“Hello Kili.”

 

“Hey.” Kili unfurled Fili’s arm and stretched it out, pillowing his head on it. Fili chuckled, shifting backwards to make room for him as he wound his other arm around Kili’s waist. “Lonely?”

 

“Don’t flatter yourself. A bit cold. And it’s weird being in a single bed again,” Kili admitted pressing his nose into Fili’s shoulder.

 

“You’re so cuddly.”

 

“You love it.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Fili, am I a bad person?”

 

Fili paused, unsure where the question was going. “Don’t be silly, of course you’re not.” He dragged a hand down Kili’s cheek gently, feeling Kili gnawing on his thumb absently. 

 

“It’s just - that song. At the beginning.”

 

“Of the show? Of ‘ _Wicked?_ ’” Fili confirmed, confused.

 

“Yeah. They said - they talked about if people are born wicked. Or if they’re made wicked.”

 

“You’re not wicked, Kili.”

 

“Aren’t I?” Kili’s words hung in the air, tiny and insecure as Fili thought about how to answer them.

 

“You’re daft.” He dropped a kiss on top of Kili’s head. “You had your moments, but you’re not a bad person. Look at you now, how far you’ve come. And as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

 

“But - mum was like this.”

 

“She isn’t wicked either,” Fili told him softly. “You’re reading way into it. It’s just a song, after all. And just a show. A show in which Ori is supposed to be a sex god, for Christ’s sake.”

 

Kili snorted. “Fair enough. Sorry. And I’m sorry about earlier. I overreacted. I guess I was just nervous today.”

 

“Don’t apologise,” Fili murmured. He kissed the top of Kili’s head again and Kili reached up to press their lips together.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Kili sighed, nestling into Fili’s side. “I’m glad we came. It’s nice being home.”

 

“Home,” Fili echoed with a small smile. “I’m glad you feel that way.”

 

“To think last time I was here it was spring,” Kili mused. “It felt like ages ago.”

 

“Well, it’s been a while.”

 

“Hell, it was Easter. _Oh my god_. I wonder…” Kili threw himself onto his side, reaching down with one arm and digging under the bed.

 

“What the hell are you doing?”

 

“Yes… _yes_ … got it!” There was the sound of crackling foil and Kili settled back in Fili’s arms, clutching a shiny rugby-ball shaped package.

 

“Is that your Easter egg from last year?” Fili asked, half incredulous, half amused.

 

“Yep,” Kili replied happily, untying the ribbon and peeling the foil away. He brought the egg to his mouth and took a bite, humming.

 

“Are you sure… is that even safe?”

 

“Of course it is.” Kili’s words were slightly muffled. He shoved a shard under Fili’s nose. “Want some?”

 

“I’m good. I can’t believe you’re still hungry.”

 

“I’m a growing boy.”

 

“Yeah, growing sideways.” Fili poked him pointedly in the side and Kili jerked away, snapping off another piece of chocolate and stuffing it into his mouth.

 

“Bilbo said I was too skinny.”

 

“Not for long you won’t be.”

 

“Won’t you love me if I have love handles?”

 

“I believe they’re called _love_ handles for a reason.”

 

Kili snorted, grinding his hips suggestively against Fili’s own.

 

“Don’t tempt me,” Fili said in a low voice. Kili shivered and snickered, his seductive mischief ruined slightly as he yawned.

 

“You’re tired,” Fili yawned. “Me too.”

 

“It’s been a long of a day.”

 

“Yup. I’m knackered.”

 

Kili rolled over, stuffing the remaining half of Easter egg back under the bed before curling around Fili.

 

“Goodnight, birthday boy.”

 

“Sleep well, Kee.”

 

—————

 

Sharing a single bed was never a mean feat, but Fili managed to sleep deeply nonetheless. They’d settled for spooning, but at some point Fili must have rolled over as now he was on his back, Kili’s head resting on his shoulder, an arm flung across his chest and one of Fili’s curled around Kili’s waist. Fili shifted a little, seeing the dull red of his own lids and knowing it was morning, but still early. He twitched his nose to dislodge a random strand of hair tickling his nose, either his own or Kili’s.

 

 

Fili opened his eyes to see Thorin staring back at him.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there readers! so sorry about the late update, and especially leaving you guys on a bit of a cliffhanger, but life started to get to me as is life's wont, and i had to rewrite part of this chapter as i wasn't happy with it. 
> 
> on another note, I’ve been noticing in some of the comments a lil Fili-hate. I feel like some of this is misinterpretation, so I would just like to clarify some stuff about Fili - he really isn't ashamed of Kili or their relationship. he's just nervous about the fact that they are treading a thin line of taboo which could have serious consequences. i think in this fandom we tend to forget that incest is a very strong social taboo, and in the real world things would happen very differently if two cousins/brothers/etc found themselves in love and in a very physical relationship!  
> but if after this some still think Fili’s has serious character flaws, everyone is of course entitled to their own opinions ☺
> 
> hope you enjoy! X

“What on earth do you have all over your face?” Bilbo asked.

Kili looked startled, hands jumping to his cheeks self-consciously. Fili looked at him properly and laughed softly.

“You have chocolate all around your mouth.”

“Oops.” Kili hastened to the bathroom. 

“Midnight snack?” Bilbo tutted. 

“A little,” Fili admitted. “Um - is Dad here?”

“He just left to pick up some stuff. He’ll be back soon.”

“Ah.” Fili could feel his face heating, and turned away hastily before Bilbo could see. He and Thorin had stared at each other for what could have been a second, could have been a year. It felt like eons. But then Thorin vanished, quietly pulling the door shut and Fili had drifted back into an uneasy sleep for an hour before he and Kili finally roused themselves and padded downstairs for breakfast. 

Warm arms wrapped around him from behind and Fili jerked, kettle in hand, almost spilling hot water all over the floor. “Kili, don’t -“

“Hey, it’s ok, no one’s here,” Kili murmured, dropping a kiss below Fili’s ear before hopping up onto the counter next to him. “Jeez, you’re skittish in the morning.”

“Don’t freak me out while I’m still half asleep,” Fili muttered, colouring. 

“Can I have a tea too?” Kili pulled out his puppy eyes and Fili stuck out his tongue before complying.

“Up for that movie marathon today?”

After a hasty change out of their pyjamas (more for Bilbo’s benefit than their own), they gleefully threw themselves on the sofa and were halfway through the second X-Men when Thorin poked his head around the door and told them lunch was ready. Fili felt ready for the ground to swallow him whole at the sight of him, but as they sat down for lunch Thorin made no mention of what he’d seen earlier and Fili’s tense shoulders gradually eased as the meal went on.

“Given that you’ve spent the whole day being such lazy sods so far, this afternoon you can make yourselves useful,” Bilbo told them. 

“I’ve got some sorting that needs to be done in the attic if anyone wants to help,” Thorin suggested.

“I’ll do that,” Kili offered, for which Fili was eternally grateful. He hadn’t told Kili what had happened that morning, and though Thorin hadn’t given any indication he had seen anything out of the ordinary, Fili didn’t want to face being alone with his father just yet. 

“Wonderful,” Bilbo smiled. “As for me, I need to prepare the garden for winter and I think I’ll take advantage of the fact that it’s sunny to prune the rosebushes.”

Fili groaned melodramatically. “Outdoors?”

“It’s a choice of being outside or helping me with paperwork for Bilbo and Bomburs Bombastic Bakery…”

“I’ll take the flowers, thanks,” Fili muttered. 

Fili spent the afternoon battling with Bilbo’s rosebushes; armed with only secateurs against what felt like an army of thorns, Fili soon found himself wondering if he would have preferred the paperwork. Bilbo merely chortled merrily at Fili’s muted curses, eventually taking pity on him and relegating him to weeding, to Fili’s intense relief.

Kili laughed at the sight of him, elbow-deep in greenery, dirt smudged over every surface.

“Not exactly Riverside Cottage, are you?” 

“Shut up,” Fili grumbled. “I thought you were helping Thorin.”

“I am.” Kili gestured smugly to the boxes in his arms. “He asked me to take these to the shed.”

“So while you’re doing useful manual labour, I’m battling fucking flowers,” Fili muttered. “I knew this is what I got a degree for.”

“Language,” Bilbo sang disapprovingly as he waltzed into view, arms heaving with fresh vegetables from the patch at the end of the garden. 

Fili groaned as he straightened up, his knees protesting at being bent for too long and followed a humming Kili into the shed.

“You’re not still singing that sodding song?”

“What? It’s catchy?” Kili adopted an impish grin as he started to sing aloud, “Defying graaaavity…”

Fili shook his head, repressing a smile as he helped Kili shove a particularly heavy box onto a far shelf. “Don’t ever let Ori hear you, or he’d take offence.”

“At least I’m better than you.”

“Rude.” But probably fair, Fili admitted to himself as he ducked out of the shed, shaking cobwebs out of his hair. 

“Looky what me found.” Kili held up a slightly scuffed-looking football with Fili Durin, Class 4b printed on it in permanent marker. 

“Wow, I didn’t know we still had that. Was that in the attic?”

“Nah, shed.” Kili looked at the writing on it questioningly.

“I joined the school team in year four.”

“I didn’t know that.” Kili bounced the ball on one foot a few times before passing it over to Fili. 

Fili stuck out a foot and was pleased when he managed to stop the ball rolling into the flowerbed. “I was never a big fan of sport,” he admitted, kicking it back to Kili. “I only lasted a few weeks.”

Kili appeared unable to repress his grin. “What madness is this? Fili not good at something? Fucking finally.” Smirking, Kili flicked his foot in such a way to start bouncing the ball on his knees.

Fili scowled. “I said I didn’t like it, not that I was terrible. But you’re pretty good at that.”

Kili shrugged, giving the ball an extra hard jab with his knee to start bouncing it on his head. “Couldn’t afford a TV at home most of the time. Had to entertain ourselves somehow.” He sent his next header to Fili who parried it.

“I used to dream I’d play for a big team one day,” Kili sighed dreamily as they kicked the ball between them. 

“Which team did you have in mind?”

“Dunno. Whichever one was winning at the time.”

Fili laughed as he swung his foot at the incoming ball, and missed. The ball bounced off the fence and ricocheted into a stack of watering cans with a clang, knocking over a bag of manure in the process. Fill and Kili exchanged guilty looks, but the mischievous twinkle in Kili’s eyes had them both giggling.

“Ahem!” Bilbo’s indignant face suddenly appeared over the top of a shrub. “That’s quite enough mess in my garden thank you very much! I hope one of you is planning to clean that up! And Fili, if you wouldn't mind taking my pruning cuttings to the dump like I asked you to, I would be most grateful!” 

—————————————— 

It was just getting dark as Fili, shivering a little from the cold, shut the front door behind him. “I’m back,” he announced.

“In here!” Bilbo called. Fili followed the sound to the living room where Bilbo was examining a vase of fresh flowers.

“That’s better.” Bilbo straightened up, tweaking a few leaves into place. “There. What do you think?”

“Um, it’s lovely.”

“Wonderful. Kili and Thorin are just starting dinner. We’re having a barbecue, your favourite.”

“Thanks.” As Fili smiled, his eyes fell on an open photo album on the coffee table, the familiar photo boxes gathering dust next to them. “Oh God, are those still here?”

“Yes, I started filling them. Although now you and Kili seem to be getting along better than you used to, maybe next time you two can finish the job you started!” Bilbo gave him a pointed look and Fili laughed.

“Look at this.” Bilbo’s expression softened as he pulled one of the albums off the shelf and flipped to the front page. “Do you remember that day in Richmond Park?”

Fili looked - apart form the grumpy picture of him and Kili, there were more. The two of them stamping their way through an almighty puddle, brightly-coloured wellies splattered with mud; Bilbo crouching down beside them, looking as if he was teaching them how to play conkers. 

“I hoped teaching you conkers would dissuade you from trying to push each other into the mud. It worked… until one of you got hit in the eye.”

Fili snorted, his eyes lingering on a picture of little Kili, balanced on the hip of a dark-haired woman in a trench coat that practically swamped her, she was so thin. She wasn’t smiling, staring into the distance as Kili chattered away, but she looked as if she was listening. The dark brows, high cheekbones and defined jawline, translated onto the soft, young face left no doubt who she was. 

A few cheesy family shots, four of them lined up, Thorin’s standing behind Fili and Kili in the arms of the dark-haired woman. In the next shot, she was gone, Kili balanced on Thorin’s shoulders, Bilbo and Fili both pulling silly faces.

“I remember that day,” Bilbo said musingly. Fili glanced at him and saw him smiling fondly, remembering. “After the park we all went home and Kili spent the night with us… And you were all tucked up in your pyjamas, good as gold, but Kili had a fit as soon as he got out of the bath, we ended up chasing him around the house, stark naked, screaming his head off! It was as much as we could do to get him into some shorts, and he howled the whole time. Do you remember that?”

“Not really,” Fili admitted shortly.

“I think you weren’t very amused. You were sitting on the sofa waiting to watch a film looking rather disapproving. But then as soon as we put Jumanji on, Kili went so quiet. It was like magic. And we came in and saw you cuddled together asleep like little puppies on the sofa. It was very sweet.”

Fili forced a laugh, hoping it didn’t sound as uncomfortable as he felt. He cast around, looking for a change of subject.

“Um, what’s for tea?”

“Barbecue, I told you. We should go and find the others, they’re on the veranda I think.”

Fili was grateful to slide the album onto the shelf next to the others and follow Bilbo outside. It was dark but the porch light was on, illuminating Thorin standing by the barbecue, a glorious smell of cooking greeting their nostrils. Kili was rocking on one of the porch chairs, swigging a beer. He flashed Fili a smile and held up a second bottle.

Fili felt a bizarre urge to cross the veranda and sit on his lap. He repressed that urge and sat down in the chair next to him. 

“It’s freezing out here. Why are we outside?” Bilbo muttered.

“I refuse to let the weather dictate what I eat,” Thorin told him, flipping a steak casually. “Barbecue should be a year-round food. Besides, there is no such thing as bad weather - only inappropriate clothing.” He eyed Bilbo’s lack of a jacket shrewdly. 

“We have a perfectly good oven inside,” Bilbo grumbled. “We could be in the warmth now, eating pollo cacciatore and not freezing our arses off out here!”

“You love my sausage,” Thorin informed him without a trace of irony. Kili snorted in surprise and Fili choked on his mouthful of beer, hunching forward to bury his face in his hands. 

“Tell me I didn’t hear that,” he groaned. 

“You and your dirty minds,” Thorin tutted disapprovingly, casting a mock disapproving eye over Bilbo and Fili and sending Kili a wink.

“Shut up,” Bilbo told Thorin, his cheeks very pink. “There’s a - a salad that needs doing.” Still blushing furiously, Bilbo hurried inside.

“You can stop laughing,” Fili muttered, poking Kili in the side.

“You should see your face,” Kili giggled, giving Fili’s hand a sneaky squeeze and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek when Thorin’s back was turned.

Bilbo re-emerged from the house, face looking marginally less pink and wrapped in a puffy jacket a few minutes later. “All this cold is making me think about Christmas,” he pondered aloud. “When do you think you’ll be back, Fili?”

“Um.” Fili glanced at him guiltily. “I was actually… thinking I’d stay in London for Christmas.” 

“Not come home?” Bilbo looked crestfallen.

“I’ve never spent Christmas in the city. And my boss will probably have me working right up to the day so it’s not really worth coming down.” Thorin had turned to look at him too. Fili felt guilt sweeping over him.

“Well, it had to happen some day,” Bilbo said with uncharacteristic brusqueness. “Our boy’s all grown up. You know, Thorin - maybe we should go away somewhere.”

“A holiday you mean?” Thorin said thoughtfully.

“Yes. I feel we’re long due some kind of adventure. Personally, I’ve always fancied Italy. Christmas in Rome, what do you think? Or how about Sicily?”

“Aw, you can’t go away without me!” Fili protested.

“No, no, you stay in London,” Bilbo’s eyes were twinkling. “I’m sure you’ll have adventures of your own. Now if that steak’s done, let’s all get inside before our toes turn black and icicles grow on the end of our noses!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to let you know, unfortunately updates are going to be less frequent from now on for which i do apologise. I'm a bit behind on some of the upcoming chapters - story's all planned out, but just needs writing! X


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to fill you in on what's coming up, plus a tiny bit of fluff - sorry its so short! X

“Ori, for once can you not call me when I’m about to eat dinner?!”

“Sorry,” Ori sang, not sounding sorry at all. “But we have business to discuss. Get on Skype!”

“Why?”

“Because me and Tauriel are there and we want to talk to you. Have you heard of conference call? It’s fantastic!”

“Give me a minute,” Fili grumbled. He pulled his laptop out of his briefcase and sat on the sofa, propping it open on the coffee table. In seconds, a blinking window and a telephone noise flashed onto the screen. 

“Hey Fili!”

“Hey Tauriel!”

“How are you?”

“We’re all fine, all fine,” Ori interrupted, pushing his glasses back up his nose primly. “Now, down to business. What’s everyone doing for Christmas?”

“Um, not much really,” Fili admitted.

“Good! Because we need to get the gang back tougher!” Ori declared. 

Tauriel laughed. “Sounds like a plan!”

“Where?” Fili asked.

“Your place of course.”

“Of course,” Fili replied, trying not to roll his eyes.

“Duh, you live in London! We can go and see the lights, drink champagne on the terrace, go out for Christmas cocktails…”

“Is this your newest attempt to avoid Nori and Dori during the holiday season?” Fili asked shrewdly. Tauriel giggled behind her hand, but cyber-Ori noticed nothing, continuing his ramble. 

“And we’ll do Secret Santa! We’ll put all our names in a hat on Christmas Eve. OH MY GOD, we can make it a game! We can make a time limit! And a maximum twenty-pound cap! And a prize for whoever gets their present first!”

“Shopping on Christmas Eve?” Fili groaned. “I feel like you’re trying to get us murdered in a stampede.”

“Shut up, it’ll be fun. Nori always does his Christmas shopping the day before Christmas and he’s gives the best presents.”

“Not that he pays for them, I’ll bet,” Fili muttered, but he was drowned out as Tauriel declared happily, “I think it sounds perfect!”

“Awesome! See you on the twenty-fourth! Ciao-ciao-for-now!”

“Bye!”

Fili shut his laptop, huffing a sigh, just as warm arms curled around his shoulders.

“What was that about?” Kill asked.

“Looks like we’re hosting for Christmas.”

“Ooh. Fun.”

“I hope so,” Fili said slowly. “At any rate, at least you can meet my friends properly. They’re arriving on Christmas Eve.”

“That’s only two weeks away,” Kili noted, cheek pressed against Fili’s hair.

“Fuck. So it is.”

“Mmm. And on that note.” Fili felt Kili’s arms vanish from his shoulders and turned in his chair to look at him, frowning as he saw Kili pocketing his wallet and shrugging on his jacket.

“Where are you going?”

“To work.”

“But it’s so early.”

“It’s decoration day. We all have to go in early to put stuff up - I’ve been delegated to Christmas lights.”

“Tall-arse,” Fili muttered and Kili stuck out his tongue, grinning.

“You’re grumpy.”

“Of course I am. My dinner is cold and now you’re leaving me alone?”

Suddenly Fili felt his face pressed into Kili’s stomach. “Is ickwe Fiwi feeling clingy today?” Kili sang in a baby voice.

“Gerroff! Course not.”

“I won’t be late. Don’t miss me too much.”

“You wish,” Fili retorted, but the smile on his face gave him away.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its coming up for halloween...so have some christmas cheer :D X

“HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”  
   
“Did you leave anything in Tesco or is everyone else in England going hungry for Christmas?" Fili asked dryly as his hallway was suddenly filled with redheads and plastic bags filled to bursting point with food.

“Well, wonderful to see you too Fili, and aren’t you just full of festive cheer this Christmas Eve as always? You know Bilbo would be ashamed of you!” Ori tutted.  

“Right… you remember Kili?”

“Of course!” Ori promptly stuck out a hand and shook Kili’s in a way that showed he had no hard feelings or even no recollection at all of Kili’s previous rudeness to him - the beam on his face was reflected on Kili’s own. Tauriel smiled as she reached around to kiss him on both cheeks.  

“Good to see you both!” 

“Where’s Legolas?” Fili asked around her bear hug.

“No boyfriends!” Ori answered for him, scowling. Tauriel rolled her eyes.

“He’s with his father, they’ve gone to New Zealand for the holidays. And Ori’s still not over his bitter-singleness yet so he wouldn’t let him come anyway.”

“I am not a bitter single,” Ori protested. “But this Christmas is about us – the old gang. And Kili of course. No boyfriends.” 

“You’re sleeping in Kili’s room,” Fili told them, gesturing towards the bedroom down the hall. “Hope you don’t mind sharing.” 

Kili glanced at Fili as Ori and Tauriel hauled their overnight bags into the spare bedroom. They had put a few of Kili’s possessions and clothes back in there to make the story convincing and cover the fact that Kili and Fili had been sharing a bedroom for well over a month now. They still hadn’t told either of them the truth about their relationship and Ori’s repeated chorus of “No boyfriends” didn’t exactly fill Fili with confidence. He gave Kili’s hand a quick squeeze while they were out of eyeshot of the other two, pulling his hand away as Ori turned around, wearing the kind of grin that Fili associated with ‘organized fun’. 

“Now to the kitchen, we have so much to prepare for tomorrow! Where are your decorations?"

Fili and Kili swapped guilty looks. “Um…"

“We’ve both been pretty busy with wo-“ but Fili’s excuse was cut off as a gold star was almost shoved up his nose. “Doesn’t matter! Put this up, good thing I brought some spares!”

“Was worth a try,” Fili mumbled as Ori bustled off, Kili stifling a chuckle and hurrying to help Tauriel hang a holly wreath on the front door without pricking herself. 

An hour later the transformation was complete - a metre-high fir draped with glittering lights had become the protagonist of the living room, a red and green quilt smothered the sofa, and most available surfaces now featured some form of red candle or nativity figurine. Even the toilet was marginally more festive than before, with a a new frame of tinsel adorning the mirror and a Christmas-themed Febreeze resting on the windowsill.

“Oh we nearly forgot – Secret Santa!” Tauriel declared. 

Ori rolled his eyes. “She’s been more excited about this than anything else.”

“That is an outright lie, you materialistic little imp, I distinctly remember it was you who said that presents were the best bit about Christmas!”

“I never did, that is not true!”

“Names in the hat!” Kili cut across all of them, whipping off his beanie and dropping it onto the table.

There was a tense minute of silence as each of them wrote their name on a shred of paper, folded it up and placed it carefully in the beanie before Fili shook it and proffered it around the circle. 

“If I get my own name, does that mean I get to buy me a present?”

“No.”

“Awww.”

They tried again. Fili unfolded his paper a second time - Kili. 

“Everybody happy?” he asked. Everyone nodded.

“Let’s go!” Tauriel sang. “Meet back in an hour! Remember twenty pound cap!” 

“Ready or not!” Kili cried, charging out of the front door, Tauriel hot on his heels. Fili grinned to himself – if he didn’t know better, he’d think Kili was more excited about presents than anything else too.

“Fili,” Ori whined. “Help me.” He held up his piece of paper plaintively, revealing Tauriel’s name written in her own neat curly script.

“So what? Girls are easy to shop for. Get her jewellery or chocolate or something.”

“But chocolate is such a cop-out gift. And I’m horrible at buying jewellery, I can never get it right, remember those earrings I got her for her birthday two years ago? She said she liked them but I saw them at the charity shop down the road a week later. Pleeease…”

“Urgh. Fine, swap.” 

They traded papers. Ori looked at his new one blankly. “Kili? What do I get him, a bong?”

Fili rolled his eyes. “He likes clothes. And chocolate.”

“I told you no chocolate!”

“Use your imagination!” Fili called over his shoulder as they hit the high street.

—————

It appeared that, when push came to shove, shopping for girls wasn’t as easy as they made out to be. It was almost so easy it was hard; there was so much it was impossible to know where to begin. Fili spent thirty-five minutes wandering between Accessorize and the the Body Shop before glancing at his watch up and hoping Tauriel liked wild rose. He hurried into the nearest card shop to get some wrapping paper and a slightly less conspicuous bag and was the last to arrive back to their meeting place. 

They got hot drinks and strolled through the illuminated streets, still buzzing with last-minute shoppers; the twinkling lights draped over the cobbled pavement, glittering wreaths around shop doors, golden stars and silver bells nestled in every crevice, combined with the chilly nip in the air, promising snow, could have taken Filii’s breath away. He took a sip of his hot chocolate as Kili slipped his hand in his for a second and whispered in his ear, “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

Then Kili’s hand and lips were gone and they emerged from a side street into the bustling winter wonderland that was Covent Garden and the sheer size of the colossal tree, adorned with baubles bigger than footballs, towering over sixty feet tall, really did take Fili’s breath away.

—————

By the time they got home, and had finished watching Love Actually, accompanied by hot mulled wine, it was nearing midnight.

“Home Alone?” Ori suggested, though his enthusiasm was somewhat undermined by his yawn.

“I think it’s time for bed,” Tauriel said. “It’s almost midnight.”

Kill cleared up in the kitchen while Fili made sure Ori and Tauriel were settled into their room and they all said their goodnights.

“So, I know we were doing Secret Santa and all,” Fili said quietly as he shut their bedroom door. “But I sort of got you something as well.”

Kili breathed a sigh. “Phew. I got you something too.” Kali’s eyes brightened. “Do you want to open them now?”

“We should wait til tomorrow…” Fili debated unconvincingly.

“Technically it is tomorrow. As of one minute ago,” Kili specified, checking his watch.

“Alright.”

Fili reached under the bed and pulled out a small bag, one that had been stashed there for over a week, and handed it to Kili. Kili couldn’t help but grin as he pulled out a small pouch. He tipped it upside down and a ring fell into his palm.

“A ring? Do you want to marry me?”

“I saw you had something similar when you first moved in, but you didn’t have it any more,” Fili explained.

“I did, I lost it. I always lose things. But not this!” he added, slipping it onto his left thumb. He held it up, examining it with a smile. “Perfect fit. I always liked onyx. It makes me feel strong.”

Fili chuckled as Kili reached back into the bag again, pulling out an envelope. His eyes lit up as he tore it open. “Oh no way! Skrillex tickets, awesome!”

“There’s two in there so you can go with a friend. Someone who’ll actually enjoy it, not sit there with their hands over their ears like me,” he added hastily.

“You’re so thoughtful,” Kili teased. “Thank you. Now open mine.” He thrust a package wrapped in blue snowflake-patterned paper at Fili. 

Fili took his time unwrapping it. When the paper fell away to reveal a sketchpad and a selection of charcoal, graphite sticks and lead pencils, he stared at them for a moment questioningly. 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed your doodles in the margins of your boring meeting reports. Or all those art books you have in your room at home.”

Fili laughed, flipping open the sketchbook and running his hand across the first page, blank and smooth and tantalising. “You’re right. I haven’t drawn in ages.”

“You’re pretty good, from what I can tell. Sorry it didn’t cost anywhere near as much as you spent on me. And I wasn’t sure what kind of medium you liked better, you always seem to doodle in biro but-“

“Shut up. I love it.” Fili put the sketchbook down and took Kili’s face in both hands to kiss him. “Thank you. Merry Christmas.”

Kili smiled back at him, eyes sparkling. “Merry Christmas, Fili.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Fili hates christmas jumpers, but someone else doesn't

When Fili woke, the flat was quiet. He craned his neck to check the clock on his bedside table - it was just past eight on Christmas morning. Apparently his body clock hadn’t gotten the hang of the idea of a lie-in yet.

 

There was a strange, eerie light peeking from the window. Fili extracted himself from the tangle of Kili’s limbs, carefully so as not to wake him, and drew the curtains open slightly. A chink of light fell across the room and Fili saw the silvery street below, the scant branches on the trees dusted with frost and a blanket of white cloud, pregnant with snow, stretching on in every direction over the city, casting everything in a strange, ethereal glow.

 

Fili realised he was too awake to go back to bed. Quietly, he picked up a pencil and a sketch book from his desk where he’d left Kili’s gifts for him last night - and began to draw.

 

Kili snuffled and stirred, blinking sleepy eyes open. “‘Re you drawing me?”

 

“No.” Fili hid a smile as Kili pretended to look miffed.

 

“Seems a shame to waste this view of me in all my morning glory.” Kili yawned like a cat and stretched out his arms. “Come back to bed.”

 

Fili didn’t take much persuading, sighing happily as he sank back under the duvet and into the warmth of Kili’s arms. He felt Kili reaching behind him to pick up the sketchbook.

 

“Wow. You’re really good.”

 

“Not really” Fili stifled a yawn of his own this time, the warmth making him soporific.

 

“You should give it a name.”

 

“I did. It’s called _Kili._ ”

 

“Come on. What about - _Sleeping Beauty_?”

 

Fili snorted. “Or how about _Modest Beauty_? Though I think if I was going for fairytales I would call it _Rapunzel_.” He looked up and tugged at the ends of Kili’s hair teasingly. “It’s getting pretty long.”

 

Kili blew a raspberry as he dropped the sketchbook carefully back onto the floor. A slow smile dawned on his face. “Oh, I nearly forgot. It’s -“

 

“IT’S SNOWING!!!!”

 

Fili jerked and groaned at the sound of Ori’s shriek. Kili’s eyes widened and he scrambled out of bed to rip open the curtains fully. “Oh my god, it is!”

 

“EVERYONE GET UP, IT’S SNOWING!” Ori hollered, his own crows of delight shortly joined by Tauriel’s squeals of joy and Kili’s ecstatic laughter.

 

It was a rush to pull on boots and gloves and coats before they were all racing down the stairs to the street. The snow was falling thick and fast, fat white flakes already settled in a thick white blanket over everything. No one could be sure who threw the first handful of snow, but it hardly mattered as it escalated into a four-way snowball fight in the middle of the road, the snow coming down harder and harder as they buried their fingers in it til they were numb and laughed until their cheeks hurt. Fili slipped on a patch of ice just visible under the snow - Ori howled until Fili dumped a fistful of wet slush down the neck of his silk pyjamas.

 

“ _Eurgh_ , Fili, you _arsehole!”_

 

“Look at my snow angel!” Tauriel interrupted happily, flopping backwards onto what used to be the pavement and now looked like a long white carpet, pristine and sparkling.

 

They all flopped in after her and left their four snow angels on the street for passers-by to find (naturally, Tauriel’s was by far the prettiest). They all hugged, wishing each other a merry christmas, and hurried back up to the flat to grab hot showers before they froze. Fili was sad to notice the bed was no longer the warm cosy nest it had been half an hour ago - but felt much better after a shower, once his bones had defrosted and he could speak without his teeth chattering.

 

“Uh-uh!” Ori said reprimandingly as Fili emerged from the steamy bathroom, towelling his still-wet hair. “Where is it?”

 

“Ori, _please_ , I really don’t want-“

 

“It’s Christmas!” Ori told him sternly, giving him a push down the hallway in the direction of his bedroom. “You have to wear it, it’s once a year! Go on, and don’t even think of coming back in here without it!”

 

“You would never guess this was my house,” Fili muttered waspishly, but with no real vindication in his voice. He grimaced as he pulled open his sweater drawer, reaching to the very back to pull out the horrible garment he was forced to wear every year - but _really_ , did it have to have twinkly lights that lit up and a bloody song that blared into life every time you squeezed Rudolph’s pom-pom nose?

 

Fili was contemplating just how likely Ori was to believe him if he threw the jumper out of the window and claimed to have left it at his parents’ house when he heard footsteps coming down the hall. He shoved the stupid thing on to spare him the experience of having Ori try to wrestle him bodily into it just as the door opened.

 

“Fili, I was wondering - oh.”

 

“What?” Fili asked, suddenly self-conscious in the face of Kili’s stare.

 

“It’s, uh… um, nothing,” Kili said, blinking. “I, er - forgot.”

 

“ _FILI! CHRISTMAS DOESNT LAST ALL WEEK YOU KNOW!”_

 

“Coming!” Fili yelled back, resigned for the worst as he trudged back to the kitchen, to be greeted by Ori, wearing a jumper if possible even more horrible than his own, and Tauriel, who had donned a holly-patterned emerald turtleneck and a tasteful pair of reindeer horns.

 

It was perhaps a slightly unorthodox Christmas brunch but they enjoyed it. None of them had the budget or the expertise for a turkey so they wrapped four pieces of chicken in parma ham and stuck them in the oven. They had prosecco on the little balcony while it cooked, watching the snow falling, and then sat around the table to stuff themselves.

 

“I miss Bilbo,” Ori said mournfully as he piled cranberry sauce onto his plate. “The tinned stuff never tastes the same as home-made.”

 

Fili’s phone burst into a merry chorus. “Speak of the devil,” he murmured as he swiped at the screen. “Hey, Dad.”

 

“ _Merry Christmas!_ ” Bilbo’s jolly voice greeted him jovially. “ _Or, as they’re saying here, ‘buon natale’!_ ”

 

“Merry Christmas to you too. How is Italy?”

 

“ _Marvellous_ ,” Bilbo said happily as Thorin added, “ _It’s wonderful_.”

 

“You’re on speakerphone, by the way. Say hi everyone!”

 

“Merry Christmas!” Ori, Tauriel and Kili chorused.

 

“ _Sounds like quite the party!_ ” Bilbo chuckled. “ _We’ve just had lunch at an amazing restaurant just round the corner of the Colosseum, and now we’re on the look out for a place that’ll show the Queen’s Speech when it’s on.”_

“Oh yeah… that…” Judging by Thorin’s silence, he was not as enthused as Bilbo was - neither Fili nor Thorin shared Bilbo’s undying love for the monarchy.

 

“ _I do hope you’re going to watch it. Very important indeed you know!”_

“Yeah, of course…” Fili said, trying to keep a straight face as Ori looked outraged, mouthing, “But what about Home Alone?!”

 

“ _Anyway, we’d best not keep you. Enjoy your lunch and have a great day.”_

_“_ Thanks. Merry Christmas!” The others all joined in their goodbyes as Fili hung up the phone. “Let’s _eat_ , I’m famished!”

 

They ate with gusto, wearing the coloured paper crowns they got from the crackers and laughing and groaning in equal measure at the awful jokes.

 

The pile of presents under the tree soon caught their attention. Fili waited with bated breath as Tauriel tore open the paper around her box and could have sighed in relief as her face blossomed into a smile.

 

“Thank you,” she smiled, hugging Fili. “I love it. ”

 

“How did you know it was from me?” Fili asked, perplexed. Tauriel gave him a knowing smile.

 

“I didn’t think Kili knew me well enough to know I always use coconut shampoo. And Ori never notices these things. Thank you, Fili this is so sweet!”

 

Fili adopted a mechanical smile and resolved not to tell Tauriel that his choice of gift was a matter more of pure luck than anything else.

 

“Now open mine.”

 

“Aw, thank you,” Fili said, pulling away several layers of tissue paper to see a pair of black leather gloves. “They’re wonderful.”

 

“Keep you warm in the cold.”

 

“They’re so smart,” Fili marveled, trying them on and admiring them. A loud coo of delight distracted them, and they both turned to see Ori and Kili hugging eachother.

 

“Thank you! I’ve been meaning to watch _Breaking Bad_ for ages and now I’ve got the boxed set!”

 

“Thank you! I love chocolate!”

 

Fili gave Ori a stony look as Kili tore the cellophane off the box and stuffed a chocolate in his mouth. Ori looked simultaneously chagrined and defensive.

 

“They’re nice ones!” he hissed. “They were expensive!”

 

Kili passed the box around and Fili had to agree that, yes, they were indeed nice. He had to remind himself that they were Kilis to stop him reaching across to take a second… and a third… and a fourth…

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon binge-watching Christmas movies, snacking on Someone half-heartedly suggested going for a walk, but they were too warm and cosy to think about leaving the flat, given the blizzard that was still ongoing outside.

 

At ten o’clock Fili made mulled wine and brought out some crackers and cheese and at midnight they went onto the balcony again to watch the snow fall and count down the minutes til it was boxing day. They made a toast, knocked their mugs together and wished one another one last Merry Christmas before they all hit the sack.

 

“Goodnight,” Fili called down the corridor in the direction of the spare room. “It’s been a great day.”

 

“Thank you for hosting!” Tauriel poked her head around the door. “See you in the morning.” She beamed and blew him a kiss.

 

“Sleep well.” Fili blew a kiss back and closed his bedroom door behind him.

 

“Thank _god_ , I can finally have you alone.” And Fili found himself pinned against the wall by Kili’s hungry body, pressing against his as Kili captured his lips in a heated, searing kiss.

 

“What was that about?” Fili gasped as soon as he was free to speak, Kili having moved his conquest down Fili’s neck, pushing warm hands up his shirt to trace against the skin of his stomach and chest.

 

“I can’t believe I’ve had to watch you _all day_ ,” Kili growled between biting marks into Fili’s collarbone. “Strutting around in that sweater…”

 

Fili’s laughter somewhat broke the mood. “This thing? Seriously? Christmas jumpers turn you on?”

 

“Call it a kink.” But Fili couldn’t call it anything as Kili’s hands went to his hips, pushing at fabric and playing with his zipper. Kili’s voice was tantalizing and low, rough around the edges with lust. “I’ve wanted you all day.”

 

“Fuck that sounds amazing,” Fili groaned, his hands going to squeeze Kili’s ass.

 

“If you keep – stop grinding on me like that – or else I’m gonna – “ Words starting to fail him, Fili smacked Kili’s gyrating ass. To his surprise, Kili gasped ecstatically and began plying his neck with open-mouthed kisses.

 

“You like that too?” Fili smirked.

 

“Call it another kink.” Kili finally stopped his relentless grinding on Fili, pulling him over the bed and sitting on it, throwing off his tshirt. “Reminds me of some of the hottest sex I ever had.”

 

“I can’t decide if the thought of you with another man drives me crazy or mad with jealousy,” Fili admitted heatedly.

 

Kili snickered. “I think you know,” he murmured, glancing his fingers over the bulge in Fili’s jeans before working his hands into the waistband and yanking him closer.

 

“What about you?” he murmured into Fili’s neck after his shirt too had been pulled away. “What was the hottest sex you ever had?”

 

Fili took a second to answer, a job made infinitely harder given the way Kili’s fingers were tracing over his hips, ghosting _oh-so-close_ , and his lips were brushing tantalizingly over his nipples. “There was a mirror involved,” he managed finally.

 

“Tell me more,” Kili purred.

 

“Ex boyfriend. We weren’t serious but it was a lot of fun. He was fucking me from behind while I was leaned over across his bed and I could see us in the full-length mirror on the back of his door. It was so hot.”

 

“You’d never told me you bottomed,” Kili whispered, voice ragged.

 

“I prefer to top,” Fili admitted. “Not that I wouldn’t try with you. I’d offer but – might be a little late now,” he gestured towards his fingers, slicked up and pressed against Kili’s entrance.

 

Kili mewed and squirmed. “Do it.”

 

Both of them groaned as the tip of Fili’s finger disappeared into Kili’s tight heat, Kili’s whole body shuddering as he was breached.

 

“ _Argh_ , Fili… you’re such a tease.”

 

“Shout out when you’re ready for more.”

 

“Ready for more? I’ve been ready for your cock inside me all day!”

 

“All you need to do is ask.”

 

Fili pulled his fingers out of Kili and slicked himself with the lube. Kili covered his hand, pushing the foil-wrapped condom onto the floor.

 

“We don’t need one of those.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive. I think if I wait for you to roll that thing on I’m going to explode. I want to be close to you.”

 

“Are you really sure?” Fili repeated, hardly believing his ears, but Kili pushed him down on the bed.

 

“I’ll show you how sure I am.” And he sank down onto Fili in a single smooth stride. Fili couldn’t help but cry out in surprise and ecstasy.

 

“So good,” Fili moaned.

 

“Yeah,” Kili seemed to be having trouble breathing as he tipped his head back, rising and falling, his thigh muscles flexing, his mouth open slightly in a silent moan. Fili’s hands moved of their own accord to his hips, feeling them sway and rock under his hands, before he took an experimental swat.

 

Kili’s groan was almost feral. “I should never have told you about that. I have a feeling I’ll regret it.”

 

“Don’t. It’s unbelievable.” Fili’s head fell back against the headboard as he closed his eyes, lust and heat and adrenaline coursing through him.

 

A second later, the warm pressure around his cock was gone and Kili grabbed his arm, pulling him off the bed. “Up.”

 

Fili crashed their lips together and Kili’s arms went around him in a vice-like grip. “Why?” Fili asked breathlessly as soon as he could.

 

“I want it up against the wall.”

 

Fili wrapped his arms around Kili and they collided against the wall hard.

 

“Fuck me. Now.”

 

Fili swore under his breath as Kili turned in his arms and spread his legs. Fili grabbed the lube, hastily dribbling some more on his hands before he pushed into Kili’s tight heat again.

 

“Don’t come yet. I want to finish on the bed.”

 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Fili panted.

 

“You knew that a long time ago.”

 

Kili flipped his head back, exposing the side of his long, white neck. Fili took the hint and brought his lips to it, dropping a few sensual kisses onto the flesh before biting down as Kili tightened around him, suddenly and on purpose. Fili covered Kili’s hands with his own, pinning him there.

 

“I want to ruin you.”

 

“It’s working,” Kili moaned. “Bed, now.”

 

They fell back onto the bed and Kili hooked a long leg over Fili’s shoulder.

 

“Come… with… _nnf_ …”

 

They came together, Kili with an enraptured groan and Fili with a gasp, electricity flooding every nerve before retreating, making him feel boneless. Fili hissed as Kili pulsed around his throbbing oversensitive cock. He grimaced as he pulled out and flopped beside his dark-haired lover, who threw an arm over him as if not wanting to lose too much contact. Fili twined their fingers together, still trying to catch his breath.

 

“I can’t believe you like that sweater,” Fili panted.

 

“It’s not so much the sweater. It’s the way you look in it – the way you can wear anything so ugly and still pull it off,” Kili replied breathlessly.

 

Fili snorted. “You’re one to talk.”

 

“But then again, maybe it is the sweater – I mean, that red pompom nose is to _die_ for.”

 

Fili half groaned half laughed as he pulled Kili towards him to nuzzle into his neck. “Of all the Christmas presents I got this year, this was the best.”

 

“Mm. But you know what I want next year? A mirror.”

 

“And it’s a gift that keeps on giving…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed :) as usual kudos/comments make a writer's day! XX
> 
> also! I have just joined tumblr! I'll be posting little snippets and stories that may or may not ever make it to A03 and probably other general fiki things. please come find me at www.injera94.tumblr.com :) thanks!! X


	30. Chapter 30

Kili was dead to the world as Fili got up, shoved on some shorts and a tshirt from somewhere on the floor, having not bothered to pull on any pajamas after round two last night. He padded into the kitchen, where he found Ori already awake, sitting at the kitchen table, looking almost as if he was waiting.

 

“Morning,” Fili yawned.

 

“Morning.”

 

“How did you sleep?”

 

“Fine.” Ori was talking in that clipped buy not unfriendly way that always meant he wanted to know something. Fili sighed.

 

“What do you want, Ori?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” Ori replied, as if he was trying to sound airy and failing. “Except to know what the deal is with you and Kili.”

 

Fili almost jumped. He tried to sound nonchalant as he replied, “He lives here. I know it’s hard to believe after what we used to be like, but-“

 

“There is no spare mattress on your floor is there?”

 

“I don't know what you're on about,” Fili replied stoically.

 

“Oh give up Fili!” Ori cried exasperatedly. “We heard everything. _Everything_.” He repeated for good measure.

 

Fili felt his face turn hot and his insides flipped nastily.

 

“Sounded like someone was having a good time,” Ori continued: “I’ll spare you the task of talking for the moment. All I'm asking is: are you sure you know what you're doing?”

 

“Of course I do,” Fili retorted. “Well, I don't. But I do. Sort of. And I know what it looks like but really it's not, I mean, it isn’t, it’s not-“

 

“Is the word you're struggling with ‘incest’?" Ori asked calmly.

 

Fili shuddered. “It’s not as bad as all that. I've been looking it up, it’s not illegal and there are all these theories that explain -“

 

“Oh, spare me the lecture,” Ori interrupted waving his hand dismissively. “And calm down. We're not judging you.”

 

“Who's... we?”

 

Ori raised an eyebrow. “Tauriel's not deaf either. Although she might be now…”

 

“ _Shut up_ ,” Fili growled, face burning again.

 

“So who else knows?” Ori continued conversationally.

 

“No one,” Fili replied at once.

 

“Really?” Ori raised his eyebrows.

 

“Well. I think Thorin does. Or suspects something at least. He sort of - saw us in bed together.”

 

Ori groaned. “ _Fili!_ Really, you are so unsubtle, if you're going to have a secret relationship with your cousin you really have to learn to rein it in a little!”

 

“We were _cuddling_ ,” Fili retorted through gritted teeth. “And we hadn’t even _done_ anything, you think I’d be stupid enough to try something like that in my parents own house?”

 

“Has he said anything?”

 

“No. He saw us and he’s acted like he hasn’t ever since.”

 

“Poor man. He's probably confused. Lord knows I am.” Ori chuckled.

 

"G'morning." Kili stood in the doorway for a minute, swaying slightly. He had pulled on some of Fili’s old sweats and a scruffy old T-shirt. He yawned, rubbing his eyes.

 

“I’ll never drink again,” he started, half-grumpily, half-sleepily, but was cut off as Fili stood up and wrapped his arms around him. Kill stiffened. ”Uh..?”

 

“Ori knows,” Fili said. Kili's eyes widened slightly as they turned to Ori.

 

“And…? He's not…?”

 

“Not what?” Ori repeated. “Confused, yes, that’sfor sure. But you’re my friend, so whatever you do, I am bound by the duty of friendship to support you. And you, Kili.”

 

"I think that counts as Ori’s blessing,” Fili said, resting his forehead against Kili’s. His lips twitched into a smile, which was nothing compared to the radiant beam that blossomed across Kili’s face at Ori’s words. He pecked Fili on the cheek and pulled away. “Tea. I’m dying here.”

 

Kili dropped a teabag in the nearest mug, added a quick splash of milk, and clambered into Fili’s lap with the mug cradled in his two hands. Fili automatically curled his arms around him, humming softly in contentment.

 

“No need to rub it in,” Ori grumbled. “You're going to need to be more subtle if you want to keep up this whole secrecy thing,” he added sternly. “No more not-so-secret PDA or loud sex or wearing Fili’s clothes in front of other people!”

 

“Now look who’s lecturing,” Fili told him snarkily, sticking out his tongue.

 

“Morning al-“ Tauriel stopped in her tracks, staring as she caught sight of Kili perched on Filis lap. Ori gestured at them triumphantly. “Our suspicions are confirmed! We were right!”

 

“I see,” Tauriel said slowly, her eyes meeting Fili’s. Fili nodded and nestled his face into Kili’s shoulder.

 

“Well - wow. Congratulations. That’s great news. But you could have kept it down last night.” Fili chuckled as Tauriel shot them an unamused look. Kill looked confused for a second, before cottoning on and looking a little sheepish.

 

“Sorry, Tauriel,” he said guiltily.

 

“It’s alright.” Tauriel smiled to show she didn't mean it before joining them at the table with a mug of her own.

 

“So, how the hell did this even happen?” Ori asked. “One minute you're at each others throats, next you're - well, at each others throats in quite a different sense.” Ori looked pointedly at the hickeys colouring Kili's neck; Kili seemed oblivious, smiling happily as he made himself more comfortable on Fili’s lap.

 

Tauriel sipped her green tea, apparently interested too.

 

“Well, you know Fili moved here with his job,” Kili began after a short pause. “And I’d come back here too. And we just kind of - I didn’t have anywhere to stay so Fili said I could stay with him. And then - well.”

 

“Opposites attract,” Fili mumbled, and Tauriel and Ori both laughed.

 

“So it seems. Perhaps I _do_ have a chance with that hot hulking fireman who lives down the road from me!”

 

“I think that’s a slightly different situation - for one thing, he has a _girlfriend_.”

 

“Denial,” Ori dismissed immediately.

 

“I’ll tell you who’s in denial,” Tauriel retorted, rolling her eyes. And they were back just as they used to be, good-natured squabbling and reminiscing and pleasant chatter over a late breakfast.

 

“You two be careful,” Tauriel warned them as she shrugged on his coat, her and Ori’s bags packed and waiting by the door. “We love you. And we’ll always be here for you. But know that not everyone else will.”

 

“Thank you, much appreciated.”

 

“And you should _tell Thorin_ ,” Ori added, fixing Fili with a stern look. “Or at least broach the subject.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

 

Tauriel glanced at them questioningly. “I’ll tell you on the train,” Ori told her. “Which we’ll miss if we’re not careful!”

 

Ori gave them both a hug and Tauriel kissed Fili and Kili on the cheeks. “Bye! See you soon. It’s been a great Christmas.”

 

“Yeah it has. Thanks for coming. Safe trip home you guys!”

 

“ _Adios_!”

 

The door clicked shut behind them. Fili put his hands on his hips, leaning back to stretch and hearing a few of his vertebrae crack. “Well, that’s one holiday over.”

 

“Yup. I think one of the best I’ve ever had.”

 

“Good.” Fili smiled. “So what do you want to do now?”

 

“Mmm. Wanna go back to bed?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

———————

 

Later that evening, Kili and Fili went into town to look at the Christmas lights, one more time before they went down in a week’s time. And they held hands as they smiled and stared up at the globes of glittering light, and wondered what the New Year would bring.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...well done to Iscalibtra for calling where the last chapter was going :p
> 
> hope you all enjoyed :) as usual all kudos/comments very welcome
> 
> find me on tumblr: injera94.tumblr.com


	31. Chapter 31

As it turned out, Fili didn’t have to broach the subject at all, because Thorin brought it up first.

 

They’d gone to Cambridge for New Year, neither fancying a massive party after the boozy Christmas day they had had, which had taken over forty eight hours to recover from fully. Bilbo and Thorin picked them up from the station on New Year’s Eve and were so full of stories about their trip to Italy that it was as much as either Fili or Kili could do to get a word in edgeways. Fili didn’t mind, listening to his father enthuse about the seven course meal they’d eaten in a restaurant overlooking the Colosseum and the superb gelati they’d scoffed every day, somewhat unseasonably, but which were so worth it – listening to Bilbo prattle on, even interspersed with uncharacteristically upbeat comments from Thorin, Fili realized he’d missed his family more than he’d thought.

 

They were going to enjoy a nice night in, and go watch the fireworks at midnight. It had always been a highlight of Fili’s New Years as a child to drive about half an hour out of town to a forest-fringed farm owned by an old man named Gandalf who would always put on a free fireworks show for anyone who couldn’t afford the hundred-pound-plus do’s offered by all the big hotels in Cambridge. He did the best fireworks Fili or anyone in the world had ever seen – Fili remembered how every year at uni they had begged him, offered to pay him thousands to do the fireworks at their college balls, all to no avail: he insisted his fireworks were free and for enjoyment only. Every year’s show was bigger and better than the last - Fili couldn’t help but think there must be magic involved.

 

“So,” Thorin said, leaning against the bonnet of the car next to Fili. He glanced over at Kili and Bilbo, setting up the picnic blanket just out of earshot. “You and Kili.”

 

Fili felt his heart stutter, then restart at twice its normal speed. He knew this was coming – he and Kili had been prepared for it. The carefully drawn-out a contingency plan they’d come up with dissolved from Fili’s brain as his eyes met Thorin’s, sapphire in the limited light from the car and the moon.

 

“Yup.” Fili wondered if stalling would help him now, and rapidly changed his mind. “I love him, Dad,” he said softly.

 

“Not as cousins?”

 

“No. More like – well – more than cousins.”

 

“Lovers.” The word hung in the air as Fili struggled to find a way to reply.

 

“Yeah,” he decided softly.

 

“I did suspect,” Thorin said slowly and Fili stole a glance at him – his father had his arms crossed loosely over his chest, and was looking out over the dark field, his face thoughtful. “It took me a while to – understand. You know what I saw.”

 

“I know,” Fili mumbled. “But – you didn’t say anything. You acted like nothing had happened.”

 

“As I said. I didn’t know quite what to make of it. I wasn’t sure if what I saw was even – real. It would have been a hell of a hallucination. And when I thought about it, I wasn’t sure what to think. What you were doing. Why you were doing it. And what the hell had even brought it on in the first place. So, I guess, what I’m trying to say is -”

 

Fili waited with bated breath.

 

“I hope you’re being careful.”

 

Fili let out a his breath with a jolt.

 

“Nothing could ever possibly make us stop loving you, Fili. Or Kili too. I hope that thought never even occurred to you. We love you both and we will support you both through all. All I hope is that you know what you’re getting into. How serious are you?”

 

“He means the world to me,” Fili said honestly. And it was true.

 

“I’m sure you know already but don’t kid yourself that world will think the same as you do. You may face some challenges along your way.”

 

“Believe me, I know,” Fili told him.

 

“But as long as you’re safe and happy, that’s what’s important. And have confidence in the fact that you can always rely on us.”

 

Fili sneaked a glance at Bilbo and Kili. “So Dad knows?” he asked quietly.

 

“Yes. He didn’t seem that surprised when I told him.” The confusion in Thorin’s voice made Fili laugh, albeit a little shakily.

 

“Maybe dad doesn’t need to literally walk in on someone to see what’s really going on.”

 

“Please.” Thorin grimaced. “I’m not going to say it wasn’t a shock. But above all we have your best interests at heart. And so long as you’re safe and you’re happy, so are we.”

 

“Thanks,” Fili managed honestly. “We’ve had a bit of a rocky start – but having you – knowing you – what you’ve said – well, it means the world to us.”

 

“I’m sure you have,” Thorin said quietly. “And please, think nothing of it. I only hope you never feel like you have to hide something like this from us again if it makes you uncomfortable. And now that that’s all cleared up.” Thorin gave Fili a soft smile and pushed off the car. “We shall leave you.”

 

“What? Where are you going?” Fili asked.

 

“You and Kili should have some time together. Especially on a night like this one.” He sent Fili a wink as Bilbo and Kili emerged from the darkness. Bilbo smiled warmly, and, if Fili knew his father, knowingly, as he took Thorin’s arm and they disappeared into the darkness.

 

“Aren’t they staying to see the fireworks?” Kili asked, perplexed.

 

“They’re not going far. Just giving us some alone time.” Fili scooted higher up the car bumper, pulling Kili between his knees and wrapping his arms around his waist from behind.

 

“You talked to him, didn’t you? And?”

 

“Fine. All fine.”

 

“And Bilbo knows too?”

 

“Yes. They want us to be happy.”

 

“So they’re not weird? Not freaked out?”

 

“Not at all.” Fili felt a smile pulling on the sides of his lips as he buried his face in Kili’s neck. It was over – all over. No more secrecy. No more sneaking around. No more lying about one of the most important people in his life.

 

Kili made a small sound, something like a hum, something like a sigh, squeezing his hand. Fili squeezed Kili’s hand before unwinding his arms from around his waist.

 

“You and Bilbo did not spend the better part of ten minutes scrabbling around for rocks in the dark while me and Thorin DMC’ed to make sure that blanket was comfortable just to not use it.”

 

“A very good point.”

 

Fili slid off the bumper of the car and lead Kili over to the blanket on the ground. He stretched out, feeling a few joints popping, staring up at the vast expanse of the night sky.

 

Kili shifted from his position stretched out next to him on the ground, eventually prodding Fili pointedly. Fili chuckled.

 

“Do you want me to move?”

 

“Only if you want to. Which you would because you want me to be happy and in order for that to be so that would require you moving, therefore you want to move.”

 

“You’re twisted.”

 

“You knew that already.”

 

They shifted until Kili was comfortable, Fili resting on his arms with Kili settled between his legs, leaning back against his chest.

 

“I hope Bilbo and Thorin found a good spot. They probably want privacy as much as we do.”

 

“Ew, Kili, _don’t._ ”

 

“How long are we waiting for these fireworks anyway?”

 

“They start at midnight. They’re incredible.”

 

“We used to go and see the fireworks in London sometimes. Go and stand in those crowds around Big Ben and the houses of parliament and watch them all go off around the river and the Eye.”

 

“Mm-hm?” Sometimes Kili came out with these tidbits from his past, memories of his life from before that he never talked about explicitly trickling out, almost without him noticing them – all part of his walls coming down, slowly but surely. Fili knew better than to ask – knew that part of the reason the walls were still up there were due to his disastrous behavior at the start of their relationship and other things Fili couldn’t even begin to understand.

 

Kili didn’t seem to have noticed – he sighed happily, encased in Fili’s arms and Fili resisted the urge to kiss that smile stretching languidly over his face.

 

“You know what would be nice right now? A joint. Just to take the edge off.”

 

Fili laughed at that. “It wouldn’t. Once you saw the fireworks you’d think a real dragon was coming to get you.”

 

“Dragon?”

 

“Last year there was this huge dragon – it was gold and red and somehow it was almost like it really _flew_.” Fili knew fireworks couldn’t fly – that’s why he was convinced Mr Grey had a secret he wasn’t telling anyone.

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah wow. Then this blue one appeared, and they swooped around eachother and fought in the air.” Fili remembered it well - had been terrifying and beautiful in equal measure.

 

“Now you’re making it up.”

 

“I’m not. You’ll see.”

 

There was a sudden pop, and a then a whizzing sound as a single, solitary star shot up over the trees, hovering for a second as if it were an usher in a theatre telling them all to hush up and settle down – the show was about to begin.

 

“They’re starting,” Fili whispered.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the ending seems a little abrupt - but i couldnt think of a really nice way to end it and i figured you guys had waited enough especially as originally this chapter and the previous one were meant to be a single chapter :)
> 
> thanks for all your kudos and comments, both appreciated very much!
> 
> more ficlets and writing on http://injera94.tumblr.com/ :) X


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but of course it can't be that easy..

January brought with it more snow and gales and blizzards of the less fun kind, but even as the temperatures dropped, Fili found his moods soaring.Gonewas the black cloud of ‘what ifs’ floating above his head, the constant fear of being found out, and the inevitable revelation looming ahead of him like a tornado on the horizon – they had braved the storm, which had turned out not to be such a bad storm anyway, and out on the other side he found himself happier than ever.

 

One night when Kili was working Fili left the house to meet up with Tauriel in a cafe a few streets away for a drink and a catch up. It was about a twenty minute walk, but Fili didn’t mind, appreciating the opportunity to stretch his legs; it was coming on for mid February and it was sunny, if still freezing.

 

“Have you got plans for Valentine’s Day?” Tauriel asked, sipping on her hot chocolate.

 

“Nothing certain yet,” Fili admitted.

 

“I don’t suppose you’ve heard from Ori recently then. He’s planning another Anti-Valentine’s day party.”

 

Fili laughed. “I think I’ll pass.”

 

“I thought so. How is KIli?”

 

“Fine, I’ve barely seen him to be honest. He’s working so hard.” That much was true. One of the good things about finally being ‘out’, as Fili liked to think of it in his head, was that he no longer had to lie when he and Kili had date nights – not that that happened often, given how busy they both were, Fili with work and Kili with a combination of his social life, his job at the bar, and his studies. Fili had no idea how Kili managed to fit it all in.

 

Tauriel nodded, lips pinched together. “I bet he is,” she muttered, so quietly Fili didn’t think he was even supposed to hear.

 

“What was that?”

 

Tauriel glanced up at him. “Nothing.”

 

“Am I getting the impression you don’t like Kili?” Fili asked bluntly.

 

“No, no, not at all! I think he’s great!” Tauriel almost looked offended.

 

“Well, there’s obviously something wrong, so spit it out,” Fili said impatiently.

 

“Well… put it this way, he doesn’t have the best track record does he?” Tauriel was giving him a look that was clearly intended to be meaningful.

 

Fili’s blood ran cold; Kili _was_ away a lot. What if he – but Kili would never cheat on him. Never. Fili knew that, could feel it vibrate in the very marrow of his bones as the truth.

 

“He wouldn’t cheat on me,” Fili told her.

 

“Oh, I know that,” Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Anyone who sees you two together for even a minute knows that. I actually wasn’t talking about that. I was referring to –  um – some of his _bad habits_.”

 

So that snake from the past had reared its ugly head again.

 

“He’s a lot better than you give him credit for,” Fili replied, somewhat coldly.

 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tauriel backtracked. “Just - have you ever been to this bar he works at?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then how do you know what kind of place it is? Aren’t you a bit concerned that it’s not exactly the right kind of atmosphere?”

 

“I trust Kili’s judgment,” Fili said shortly.

 

“Please, Fili, don’t get like this. I’m just worried for you, both of you.”

 

“He said it’s a nice place.”

 

“If it’s so nice maybe we should go,” Tauriel suggested somewhat defensively.

 

“Yeah. Maybe we should.”

 

They finished their drinks in stony silence and left, walking for about fifteen minutes until they got to the place Kili had taken him, only once, when Kili had first got a job and wanted to show Fili where he worked. It was unassuming from the houtside, only a sign readaing ‘The Cavern’ over the open door, through which led to a flight of stone steps.

 

“They do cocktails,” Tauriel commented, scanning the drinks list as they went down the few steps, atmospherically lit. “And it’s clean.”

 

“I told you.”

 

It wasn’t hard to spot Kili behind the bar - though battling through the gaggle of admiring girls around him was more of a challenge.

 

Kili’s expression brightened when his eyes alighted on the two of them. He pretended to throw a piece of lime in the air, simultaneously swinging a Desperado behind his back, pulling it out to reveal the slice of lime wedged in the neck of the bottle. A few girls gasped and he grinned before sliding the bottle towards its owner and depositing her money in the cash till.

 

“Oldest trick in the book,” he muttered so only Fili and Tauriel could hear once the girls had dispersed, grinning. “But it makes them happy. What are you doing here, you never come to my bar!”

 

“We’ve come to see if your skills can catch up with your mouth.” Tauriel flashed him a smile which Kili returned.

 

“Very well. What can I get you? It’s happy hour for about another twenty minutes so I would recommend a cocktail.” He gestured at the boards behind him, listing the drinks and their prices.

 

Fili guffawed. “Who made up some of these names? I mean, I’ve heard of Sex on the Beach, but a ‘Slow and Comfortable Screw’?”

 

“Hey, it wasn’t me. That’s genuinely how they’re known in the trade.” Kill shrugged. “That one’s basically just a Screwdriver with a bit of gin and some Southern Comfort.”

 

Fili brought his lips deliberately close to Kili’s ear to whisper: “I think I’ll have a Spanking, babe.”

 

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “And I’ll have a boring old cosmo.”

 

“Not boring at all! Coming right up.”

 

Kili prepared their drinks with a series of flourishes that teetered on the border between showing-off and pure skill. They left him to do his job and sat down at a booth in the corner. Almost as soon as they left the gaggle of girls was back. Tauriel snorted.

 

Fili threw her a half exasperated, half withering look. “Oh, _please_.”

 

“He’s flirting with them!”

 

“So does everyone. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re not all as jealous as you are.” Fili sipped his drink, looking around. “So does this live up to the seedy sex-dungeon you were imagining it to be?”

 

“Ok, fine. _Fine_. It’s all alright. It’s nice, even. But don’t blame a friend for just looking out for you.” Tauriel’s eyes were baleful as she gave him a wounded look.

 

“I know, and thanks,” Fili conceded, sliding across the booth to put a consoling arm around her shoulders. “But really. It’s fine. He’s doing so well. I’m so proud of him.”

 

“You should be.” They both looked towards the bar, where Kili was depositing someone’s money in the till. He was standing with his weight on one leg, tapping his other foot and shaking his hips.

 

“He’s got a hell of an arse. I wish Legolas filled his jeans like that.”

 

Fili burst out laughing as Tauriel took a brooding sip of her drink. “Hey, watch it! That’s my boy you’re treating like a hunk of meat there.”

 

Kili suddenly materialised next to them with a tray. “These are on me,” he purred as he sat down next to them, sliding three shot glasses into place. “Buttery Nipples. Can I get you anything else?”

 

“Well,” Fili leered. “I was thinking about maybe another Spanking...”

 

“You could try a Spank Me Harder. It’s got an extra shot in it.”

 

“Hmm...”

 

“And perhaps afterwards I could get you a Screaming Orgasm?”

 

“Is that a promise?”

 

“And on _that note_ ,” Tauriel said loudly. “I’m off.”

 

“Aw, stay,” Fili implored. Tauriel raised an eyebrow, eyeing his position already half sprawled on Kili’s lap.

 

“For the benefit of my own eyesight, I should get home. Enjoy the rest of your night. But get a room soon.” She sent them a cheeky wink and blew a kiss as she left the room.

 

“Buttery Nipple,” Fili giggled, looking at the multi-layered shot, a thick layer of something creamy (Baileys perhaps?) floating on top of something transparent that was undoubtedly vodka. “Is that seriously what this is called?”

 

“Yup.” Kili reached over and took both glasses, handing Fili one. “Bottom’s up!”

 

“Bottoms up,” Fili echoed.

 

They knocked back their glasses simultaneously. Fili prepared himself to wince, but was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t, licking his lips to chase the last taste of the Baileys. “It’s nice,” he said in surprise.

 

“Glad you like it.” Fili hummed, feeling the shot sliding down his throat like a golden ball of warmth. “What do you want to do for Valentines Day, Kee?”

 

“I honestly haven’t thought about it. I just want to spend it with you.”

 

“Hm. I’m sure that can be arranged. Call my assistant and arrange an appointment,” he joked.

 

“Maybe I can be your assistant,” Kili said in a low voice. Fili looked into his eyes, golden brown orbs with pupils blown with lust, and his mouth suddenly felt very dry.

 

“Oh yes?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe you’ll have to fire me. But maybe I’ll ask you to give me one more chance to prove I’m worth it.”

 

“I would hate for you to waste my time,” Fili said slowly, dragging a hand down Kili’s cheek, his confidence betrayed by how his fingers were shaking slightly.

 

“I won’t waste your time, sir,” Kili purred, catching one of his fingertips between his lips and biting gently. Fili sucked in a shuddery breath.

 

“Don’t be home late,” he almost groaned, laying a lingering kiss on Kili’s lips as he grabbed his coat, and swept out onto the street, hoping the cold air outside could do something for the hot lust suddenly coursing almost painfully through him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you have the Fiki December Challenge to thank for this chapter :D im so sorry ive been so bad at updating recently!! (**puppy eyes** pwease forgive me?)
> 
> as always, any comments/feedback/suggestions welcomed :) X


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili kept telling himself Tauriel was wrong.

Fili kept telling himself Tauriel was wrong. So what if Kili worked in a bar? That didn’t mean there was anything to worry about. And so what if he still smoked cigarettes and smoked up occasionally – that didn’t change the fact that that uncontrollable wild self-destructive part of his life was over.

 

Not that Fili had a lot of time to worry about it. On the plus side, business was booming – on the down side, business was booming. The company had clients flooding in and every day Fili got up early to be in the office before eight, and came home loaded with documents, forms and files to read well into the night. Most nights he could barely muster the energy to make himself something to eat, opting for takeout or nothing at all, collapsing into bed at midnight only to repeat the cycle when his alarm chirruped shrilly six hours later. Weekends were filled with more emails and overtime and Skype meetings with his boss. The holidays seemed a mere distant memory – Fili tried hard to remember what it felt like to not have work and failed.

 

Kili watched all with a disapproving but sympathetic eye.

 

“Enough.” KIli spread himself across the papers covering the coffee table, blocking them from Fili’s view. “If you work hard, you’ve got to play hard. You’re coming out with us tonight.”

 

Fili agreed. He had to agree. If he didn’t take a break and get out of the house he would go crazy. Still, it took a good deal of coercion from Kili to drag him away from his computer and force him into their bedroom to get changed.

 

As soon as they left the flat, Fili like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was nice going somewhere that wasn’t the office or the supermarket. He had on black skinny jeans (usually Kili’s territory) and a leather jacket, and he had to admit he felt good – sexy. They caught the tube to Kili’s bar, Fili trying not to be smug as he caught the envious eyes of late-night commuters, _yes, we’re hot, and he is_ mine. They strolled to Qube with their arms around eachother and soon Fili was feeling a pleasant buzz from the Long Island in his hand. They chatted with Nori as they sat at the bar and were eventually joined by some of Kili’s other friends, also enjoying a night off.  

 

Sometime around eleven they moved on to a club a few streets away. Fili was enjoying himself - it occurred to him that it had been months since he’d been out like this, had a drink and a dance, and he was tipsy and happy, not least from the drinks Kili had been pushing on him, thoroughly abusing his staff discount. Kili’s friends were different from his friends, but a nice enough lot, easy to laugh and full of wild stories and relentless teasing. They all wore variations of Kili’s skinny-jeans, black jackets and vampy jewelry combo. The danced a bit, got drinks, and soon ended up in the smoking area, where the music was a reduced to a muffled beat and they didn’t have to shout to make themselves heard, trading stories and banter around mouthfuls of smoke.

 

“...he asked me then if he could borrow my grinder, and without thinking, I just gave it to him, and when he gave it back to me the next day, I only realized he’d stolen all my bloody crystals didn’t he?!”

 

Kili threw his head back and laughed with the others, and Fili laughed too, even though he didn’t get it, in all honesty he’d missed half the story and he was pretty tipsy, but seeing Kili happy made him happy. Kili put an arm around him as someone else started telling another story, equally incomprehensible to Fili’s drunken mind, and Fili leaned in, realizing he needed the support more than he’d thought. Kili was swaying too and he pressed a light kiss to Fili’s cheek.

 

“You good?”

 

“Only as good as you.” Fili smiled and Kili winked.

 

“I’ve missed you,”

 

“Why? We live in the same house.”

 

“Yeah. But we’ve both been so busy we’ve hardly seen eachother.”

 

“I missed you too.”

 

“Hey, want one?” Fili looked up and saw a pair of small white pills nestled in Cal’s proffered palm.

 

“You don’t have to,” Kili told him, studying Fili’s face carefully.

 

But Fili took one – after all, why not? He was having a good time and he was always up for something new. Kili smiled at him and took the second pill – they placed them on their tongues and swallowed together.

 

“I love you,” Kili whispered.

 

“I love you too,” Fili whispered back.

 

Fili felt more than happy – he felt great. He was loose and limber and the music was loud, could have been _more_ loud, could _never_ be loud enough, he was stamping his feet and waving his arms and Kili was there doing the same, and the colours were so bright, and everything beautiful, and life was _good_ , and Fili barely realized he was laughing until Kili was laughing too, and everything around felt so _edifying_ and that must be why they called it _ecstasy_ and if he could have this moment stretch on forever he would.

 

They left at two, leaving Kili’s friends to enjoy the last hour of the club, to get some food. Kili bought a litre bottle of water and insisted Fili drink at least half of it while they stood in the queue to buy chips. They walked home, finishing their food and dumping the boxes in a bin on the way, and made out heatedly on the sofa before finally tumbling into bed, both still half-dressed, too exhausted and still too elated to care.

 

The next day Fili woke up late, enjoying the first lie-in he’d had in ages. He and Kili spent the day indoors, nursing their respective hangovers, feasting on beans on toast when their stomachs could finally face food and indulging themselves in trashy daytime TV. Kili had warned him about comedowns but Fili felt himself oddly calm. Fili curled up in Kili’s arms, vaguely registering the hysterical-sounding laugh track on an ancient episode of _How I Met Your Mother_ , while Kili rubbed his hands gently over his boyfriend’s back, tracing nonsensical patterns over his shoulder blades.

 

“Did you have a good time last night?” Kili asked absently.

 

“Mm. It was the best.” Fili smiled and felt Kili’s own smile on his lips as he pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Your friends are nice too.”

 

“Good. You need to take a break sometimes.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“And you’re so hot when you dance,” Kili whispered. Fili felt his cheeks go hot and he snorted.

 

“Am not.”

 

“Oh but you are. I love seeing you like that, relaxed, happy. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile properly.” Kili traced his thumb near the edge of Fili’s lips.

 

“If I smile again will I get a kiss?”

 

“You shouldn’t ask that,” Kili said, the hint of a laugh in his voice as he tilted Fili’s chin and brushed their lips together gently.

 

Fili hummed contentedly and nestled closer into Kili’s chest, letting his eyes slide shut. It was only a bit of fun, after all.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FiKi December Challenge part 2! 
> 
> as always comments/kudos/suggestions welcomed :) X


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 34, brought to you by the Fiki December challenge
> 
> a little shorter than usual, for which i apologise but everything has a reason
> 
> as always, all kudos and comments welcomed X

Fili was always secretly glad when there was a tube strike and he was allowed to work from home.

 

“Still in your pyjamas?” Kili chuckled, emerging from their bedroom at eleven o clock. “What would your boss think.”

 

“Stuff him and his snotty suits, he isn’t here,” Fili replied automatically, looking up and glaring as Kili laughed. “If you _dare_ repeat that at the next office party-“

 

“I’ll be an angel,” Kili promised, holding is hands above his head in imitation of a halo for a moment before letting them fall and patting his pockets to check their contents. “Anyway, I’m off.”

 

“I thought your shift didn’t start till four?” Fili asked.

 

“Going out for lunch with a friend. I’d invite you but I know you’re working hard.” Kili grinned as Fili scowled.

 

“More’s the pity. See you later.”

 

Kili dropped a kiss on the top of his head. “Not sure when I’ll be back but it won’t be too late. Love you!”

 

“Love you too!” Fili called a second too late, hearing the door clicking shut a second before he’d said it. He stretched and sighed, feeling a breeze against his exposed midriff as his tshirt rode up; he used to love wearing suits, loved the professional he became whenever he donned the skinny tie and shiny shoes, the confidence it somehow imbued him with – nowadays he daydreamed about what he could do with the extra fifteen minutes he used to get dressed for work every morning. Huh. Kili must be rubbing off on him.

 

He turned back to his laptop, trying to concentrate on the small print of the contract he’d just been sent to review. He gave up, printed it, and sat on the sofa with a highlighter. He finished that one, fired off a few emails to his co-workers telling them what he thought, and started on the next one. It was well into the afternoon when he finally decided it was time to get dressed. As soon as he’d buttoned up his jeans he registered his stomach rumbling and stuck some leftovers in the microwave, watching them rotate round and round until he heard his phone ringing. The name _Tauriel_ flashed on the screen and he picked it up without thinking. She’d called for a chat, long overdue - Fili hummed and made “Ah” sounds as seemed appropriate judging by her tone while still thinking of clients and brand identity and product management.

 

“ _I met Legolas’ dad yesterday_.”

 

“You’re getting to that stage are you?” Fili said, sensing it was his turn to talk.

 

“ _Apparently. It was quite weird, to be honest. He’s kind of strange. And so young, he must have been like twenty when he met Legolas’ mum. We went out for dinner and then we went for a few drinks and wound up in a club -_ clubbing with your boyfriend’s dad _, can you believe it_.”

 

“That is weird,” Fili muttered, distractedly.

 

 _“And you’ll never guess what. We went to Kili’s bar and he and Kili seemed to know eachother_.”

 

“What?” Fili said suddenly, interested.

 

 _“Yeah, they were like a house on fire. Looked like they had a lot to catch up on, they chatted for ages. We had like four drinks there and then went to that place Red Devil, we didn’t need to pay entry or stand in queue or anything, Legolas’ dad seemed to know everyone there. He even invited Kili to come out with us but Kili said he had to work, he seemed pretty disappointed_ _but_ -“

 

“What’s his name?” Fili asked urgently.

 

“ _What - Legolas’ dad’s name? It was something long, Thrandil or something like that.”_

 

“Sorry, I got to go,” Fili told her, heart suddenly pounding in his ears,

 

“ _What, wait, Fili, what’s wrong? What’s the matter? Fili!”_

Tauriel was talking to empty air as Fili threw his phone into his jacket pocket and belted out of the house.

 

His footsteps were loud, echoing in the vaults of the underground bar as he raced down the steps two at a time. “Where’s Kili?” he demanded.

 

“He wasn’t due to be in til later but he’s came early. Last time I saw him he was in the back room. Hey, that’s staff only, you can’t -“ The rest of Nori’s words were drowned out by the sudden rushing in Fili’s ears as he made for the storage room.

He pushed the door open, big brown eyes snapping up to meet his own. The needle inches away from the vein throbbing in the crook of Kili’s elbow, empty.

 

There was a split second, or maybe an hour, of deafening, ear splitting silence.

 

“I can’t do it,” Kili’s words wavered in the silence between them, his pupils blowing wide even as Fili watched, tears streaking down his face as his body sagged.

 

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the long time wait. it wasnt intended but writers block can be a real ass, especially when other stories are bombarding you with ideas. apologies also for the shortness of this chapter.
> 
> you might have noticed i didnt reply to any of the recent comments on this story - it wasnt because i didnt read and appreciate them (far from!) but mainly i wasnt sure what to say without giving spoilers, and also hearing your reactions was very interesting and thought provoking. i wont elaborate - but Kili is in a bad place. and i suppose the big question here is: what happens now? and also: what will Fili do? i hope this chapter addresses at least one of these :) hope you enjoy xxx

Fili was glad he’d driven, as Kili wasn’t in a fit state to go on public transport. He clipped Kili into the back seat and took them home. When they got there he parked in front of the building and wound Kili’s arm around his shoulder, wrapping his own around Kili’s waist and laying him on their bed to let him sleep it off. Fili sat on the sofa, his head in his hands.

 

He didn’t know he’d fallen asleep until he jerked out of his doze and it was night. He realised he was starving, the leftovers he had been heating up for lunch still in the microwave, stone cold. He blasted them again and ate them in the kitchen before standing outside the bedroom door for fifteen minutes, trying to muster up the courage to go inside. He didn’t know what he’d see – and it seemed almost an invasion of privacy, walking in on Kili when he was soaring in a whole new dimension.

 

Eventually he moved back to the sofa, looking around for anything to distract him. The flat was eerily quiet, but it felt wrong to turn on the radio or music to drown it out. No music could do justice to how he was feeling anyway. This strange – emptiness.

 

He wanted to go out onto the balcony but it had started to rain. But then why should that stop him, he thought suddenly. They were so closeted here, everyone was, staying indoors as if the outside world could hurt them, like thte elements were something to be feared - the way everyone would run and duck for cover as soon as the first few drops would start falling from the sky, as if it wasn’t only water and you wouldn’t always dry. They weren’t the Wicked Witch of the bloody West.

 

The Wicked Witch of the West… Fili felt the drops falling on his face and thought of Ori and Kili and monsters and evil and no one being born wicked. How wicked was sometimes something that happened to you, not something that you always were. About how it could be hard to tease them apart even inside your own head.

 

He went back inside when his shirt was soaked and his jeans were clinging uncomfortably to his knees and headed into the bathroom to take a shower. He pulled a sweater out of the laundry on his way out and found himself back where he started, on the sofa with his head in his hands. He pushed himself to his feet when he heard a door opening, soft footsteps from down the hall.

 

The dim shape of Kili appeared just beyond the doorway, face cast in shadow. The distant clattering of the rain against roofs, battering lightly against the windows only made the silence seem heavier than ever as he took a few steps into the kitchen, stopping a few feet away from Fili.

 

When Fili pulled him into his arms Kili buried his forehead on Fili’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t apologise,” Fili whispered as Kili started shaking.

 

“We were stupid to think we could do this on our own,” Fili whispered. Kili’s nod was barely perceptible against his neck.

 

It was bigger than Kili, bigger than both of them. They shouldn’t have tried to pretend it wasn’t. The last few months of bliss suddenly felt like playing house, false bliss layered like a thick coating of icing over the shadows, dormant but not extinct, just waiting for an outlet.

 

They stood there in the living room in the dark, arms around eachother, listening to the rain.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, all kudos/comments are welcomed :) i might even reply to them this time.... haha X


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello dear readers - just to let you know, i am spending the next few months travelling, so apologies for what will be sporadic updates on all my stories. as a result of this, i probably wont be able to reply to all your wonderful comments for which i also apologise, but know that i still deeply appreciate them and if i can i really will try to find the time to reply, especially if any of you are confused by whats going on (as might be the case at this point in the story)
> 
> on the plus side, the lack of internet gives me less time to procastinate and more time to actually write, so when i do get connection i should be able to update :D
> 
> hopefully the length of this chapter will also make up for my absence over the last month

Their car headlights, dim as they were, were the only consistent source of light in the whole area. The streetlamps were few and far between, flickering as they passed, the only other illumination a single set of eerie red taillights glowing distantly ahead of them on the road. They grew smaller and smaller, from glowing red orbs to mere pinpricks, like eerie eyes watching them from a distance.

 

“We’re going the wrong way,” Fili said.

 

Kili didn’t speak – he didn’t act like he’d heard him at all. Just kept his hands on the steering wheel and stared ahead of him.

 

“Kee. We missed the turning.”

 

“Right, of course…” Kilis lips barely moved, and he jerked the steering wheel to the side. The car lurched with it, bumping vehemently as they left the tarmac, hurtling off the road and into the dark scrubby forest on either side of it, its pale headlights glancing off bushes flying past them left and right, and ahead, a huge tree, advancing ominously.

 

“Where are we going? What are you doing?”

 

Kili turned to Fili and his eyes were red, bloodshot, pupils huge.

 

“I’m sorry Fili,” he whispered.

 

“Kili, WATCH OUT WE’RE ABOUT TO CRASH!”

 

 _“AARGH!!”_ Fili sat up, jerking wildly, half–expecting to see a tree smashing through the windscreen, flailing his arms to cover Kili, but then remembered Kili was gone, safe, gone.

 

Fili flopped backwards, heart still pounding from the adrenaline of the dream. It wasn’t the first time he’d had it. He’d been having that one a lot lately since Kili had gone. He was sure there was a reason for it, but he didn’t need to consult Freud’s _Dream Psychology for Beginners_ to know what it was.

 

There was another scene jumping to his mind a lot lately, a memory this time. Once again it was that fateful day at Richmond Park:

 

_“I WANT TO READ WILD THINGS!” Kili bellowed._

_“But that’s a dumb children’s book! And we read your book yesterday! I want to read my book!” Fili shouted._

_“It’s not fair!”_

_“But it’s my house!”_

_Kili screwed up his face and Fili knew he was about to cry. He stuffed his fingers in his ears just in time._

_“Don’t be such a baby!” he screamed, hearing his own voice inside his head as Kili wailed._

_Frerin poked his head around the door. “What on earth is all this noise? Has world war three started and we’ve not been informed?”_

_“Fili’s being a MEANY!” Kili howled._

_“That’s not true!” Fili protested. “Uncle Frerin, Kili wants to read his book but it’s a baby’s story and we read his story last night so it’s_ my _turn to pick what we read tonight!”_

_Frerin’s lips twisted in mock concern. “Hm, what a dilemma. What are our choices?”_

_Both boys held out the books immediately, clamped in pudgy fingers. Frerin took them both, reading the titles with exaggerated concentration before throwing them both comically over his shoulder._

_“Boring! I want to read something else.” He strode over to the bookcase, perusing the selection, running his fingers along their multicoloured spines. “Aha! Here it is.” He pulled out a book, one a little thicker than the books Fili was used to reading._

_Frerin walked over to Kili and hoisted him into his arms where Kili instinctually snugged into his shoulder._

_“How about enough of that horrible shrieking, eh, gremlin?”_

_Kili shut his mouth. Frerin rewarded him with a kiss and plopped down on Fili’s bed, a nephew on either side._

_“My book’s not boring,” Fili muttered._

_Frerin brandished the book in his hand. “But you haven’t read this one, have you?”_

_“No,” Fili admitted._

_“Excellent.” Frerin lifted up the blanket draped across the end of Fili’s bed and pulled it over the three of them. Fili and Kili automatically started a tug of war, battling for more on their side._

_“Ah-ah.” Frerin fixed them with a stern glare. “Share. Or I’ll make you hold hands.”_

_Both boys immediately stuffed their fists underneath them and sat on them. Frerin cackled as he flipped to the first page of the book. “Are we all ready then? ‘Mr and Mrs Dursely, of Number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.’ ”_

_“What’s a privet?” Kili asked around the thumb that had instinctively migrated to his mouth as soon as Frerin had started reading._

_“It’s a – a kind of shrub I think. Or a plant. Something green. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, it’s not that important.”_

_“Is this a good book, Uncle Frerin?”_

_“Yes, my dear Fili, it’s the best book in the world. It’s about a boy called Harry Potter, and he’s a wizard.”_

_“But magic doesn’t exist,” Fili pointed out intelligently._

_“Says one who is truly my brother’s son,” Frerin laughed, ruffling his hair. Fili made a show of flattening it out again before cuddling further into his uncle’s side._

_“Uncw? Are there monsters in this book?”_

_“A few. But don’t worry, they don’t exist and that’s for sure.”_

_“How do you know?”_

_“Because I know everything. Anyway, are we going to get past the first sentence or not?”_

_“Sorry, Uncwe.”_

_“Sorry Uncle Frerin.”_

_“No need to apologise. Now, not only were Mr and Mrs Dursley very normal, ‘They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange, or mysterious…’”_

 

Fili remembered it like it was yesterday – but it couldn’t be a memory, because Frerin hadn’t been with them that day at Richmond Park. Frerin had died before Fili had even met Kili. They had never sat and read stories together because by the time Kili could have formulated the words “I want to read Wild Things”, Frerin was long gone.

 

He knew now that even then, at the age of barely four, Kili was battling his own wild things, with an overprotective mother slowly sliding off the rails and a father who sporadically loved him and left him. He wondered if Kili ever thought Frerin was his father growing up.

 

He was going mad, making up memoires to fill the void in his life after Kili had left. He should just try to get to sleep, but Fili knew from experience that it was impossible to relax after an experience like that, and he would still be wide awake when his alarm went off in a few hours time. Suddenly all the work he’d had before the whole incident seemed unimportant, facile even, in the face of his gaping heart.

 

The thought of Thranduil made Fili feel sick with anger. That _scum_ , cornering Kili when he was at his peak and making him realize he was so vulnerable. He wondered if Thranduil hadn’t come if there would have been something else – he liked to think not but a small voice told him he was wrong. It was a stain on Kili’s past that would always have caught up with him, caught him unawares at some point, regardless of whatever cautions he and Kili put in place. But still, Kili had been doing so well until that rat came crawling out of the sewer.

 

Kili was younger than his _son_. That sick son of a bitch. Fili hadn’t spoken to Tauriel much since the incident, not because he was angry with her, but he just felt like he needed some more time before he was able to face her and her undoubted shock over the whole situation.

 

\-----

 

I’ve found this place, Kili said. He held out a few printouts, hand shaking. “The ones in London are all full. But this one’s just a few hours or so away. It might even be good for me to go somewhere else. Somewhere completely different. Like the countryside. Bit of space. I don’t know.”

 

His eyes were shiner than usual. He stopped speaking, and looked at Fili, as if waiting for him to give his judgement.

 

Fili didn’t speak. He got up and hugged Kili, long and hard, hoping he could convey all the feelings words couldn’t.

 

\------

 

“You look like shit,” Ori told him.

 

“Thanks, I could do with a compliment about now.” Fili knew there were bags around his eyes, that his skin was greasy and his hair was, frankly, a mess. He was surprised his supervisor hadn’t come to talk to him about inappropriate self-presentation in the workplace.

 

“Your insults are even lacking their original venom. You should take some time off.”

 

Fili huffed. “I can’t, I’m too busy.”

 

“You can’t tell me you’ve been productive in the last few weeks. Look at you, you’re dead on your feet.”

 

“Just haven’t been sleeping much,” Fili muttered.

 

“You should talk to your boss. Sort out a few months’ sabbatical or something. Tell him you’ve been having family problems. What, it’s true,” Ori said as Fili shot him a glare. “You can’t go on like this.”

 

In the end Fili had to agree. His boss was confused but concerned, and allowed him to sign off for two months of leave. Fili wondered what he’d do with all his newfound free time.

 

\-----

 

Don’t visit me, Kili said.

 

Okay, Fili said.

 

The unspoken _why_ hovered in the air between them for a split second that felt like forever. They were leaning on the bumper of the car, metal warm in the unexpected sun, facing the big house on the hill. It looked more like a house than an institution, painted a warm yellow colour, set in green gardens. Or what they could see of it anyway, behind the gates and between the trees.

 

I don’t want to live for the weekends, Kili said. I have to remember why I’m here.

 

Okay, Fili said.

 

Kili glanced at the cigarette between his fingers and gave a wry chuckle. “I guess I could use this chance to give up these too, huh?”

 

Fili said nothing.

 

Goodbyes were brief – a kiss, a long hug. Kili wanted to go in on his own. Fili watched him go; Kili didn’t turn around once. Fili drove home, the silence of the radio mimicking the emptiness he felt in his head.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed - if any of you are confused please let me know and i will do my best to get back to you to clarify etc :) X


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters for three months of separation. (or that was the idea)

Fili checked the house number one last time before he knocked on the door.

 

Fili heard a latch slipping back before the door suddenly opened. Fili took an involuntary tiny step back, just so he could take in the whole of the huge man now framed in the doorway – tall and beefy, tattoos swirling up his muscular arms and over the top of his bald head.

 

“Hello?” he uttered, and it wasn’t a greeting, more like a demand. Fili tried not to look either alarmed or scared.

 

“Hi. Is this where Dis lives?”

 

The man’s eyes narrowed. “Who’s asking?”

 

“Tell her it’s F- tell her it’s Thorin’s son.”

 

“Dwalin, who’s... Thorin?”

 

Dwalin’s had tensed at the first sound of the clear, soft voice; his body turned, almost unconsciously it seemed, to reveal a small dark-haired woman standing a few metres away from the door.

 

“Fili?”

 

So she remembered him. Even though it had been years. He met her eyes, the same striking startling blue as his father, set within raven locks in a wan, fragile face,

 

“Don’t be rude, Dwalin,” she said quietly. “Fili, please, come in.”

 

Dwalin said nothing but stood aside, closing the door behind him as Fili crossed the threshold.

 

Dis walked up to Fili, ran her hands up his arms to his shoulders. She laid her hands on his cheeks, studying his face in wonder before kissing his cheek softly. “My goodness. Haven’t you grown.”

 

“Yeah,” Fili didn’t take his eyes from hers throughout the exchange. She gazed back calmly, almost curiously, despite her serenity, before she broke away, lowering her hands slowly and turning to Dwalin.

 

“How many rolls have we got, D?”

 

“Full pack.”

 

“You’ll stay for lunch?” Dis asked Fili.

 

“Of course,” Fili said, glancing at his watch. “Sorry, I didn’t think of the time. I didn’t mean to impose.”

 

“You’re not imposing, not at all. It’s nothing fancy. Just soup.” Dis stared at him again and her face shifted into a smile. “Sorry. I just can’t believe it’s you. You’ve gotten so handsome.”

 

“Thanks,” Fili said awkwardly.

 

Dis set out another placemat at the table, setting a bowl, spoon and glass atop it before Dwalin entered from the kitchen, holding a large tureen in his meaty hands. Fili took a small sip with his spoon and glorious taste exploded across his tongue.

 

“Wow,” Fili said before he could stop himself. “This is amazing. You and Bilbo must have had a lot to talk about.”

 

Dis smiled.

 

“Dis is an excellent cook,” Dwalin said, reaching out almost unconsciously to cover her hand with is own, gripping reassuringly.

 

“It took me a while to get back into it,” Dis said, her smile slipping a little. “I – gave up for a while – and... Kili ended up making a lot of his own meals...”

 

Fili instantly regretted saying anything.

 

“Not that he cared,” Dwalin snarled suddenly. “Ungrateful little shit – didn’t realize what his mother did for him all this time –“

 

“Stop!” Dis said sharply, cold fury flashing in her eyes as she rounded on him. “It was my fault, D. I wasn’t there for him when he should have relied on me the way he couldn’t rely on anyone else.”

 

“It’s not _your_ fault. If it hadn’t been for that _bastard-“_

“Let’s not talk about him. He is hardly good lunchtime conversation material,” Dis squeezed Dwalin’s hand, as if in apology for her harshness, and let go of it to pick up her spoon. She smiled at Fili. “So what are you doing now?”

 

Fili told her all about his job, boring as it was, but Dis was either interested or did a very good impression of it, nodding and asking questions about his flat, his co-workers, his clients. Fili jumped up to help clear the table when they had finished but Dis laid a hand on his arm. “Don’t worry about it. D, could you put some coffee on? We could sit on the balcony.”

 

“Are you sure it’s warm enough for - “

 

“I’m perfectly fine to sit outside, Dwalin,” she chuckled, with a little roll of her eyes in Fili’s direction. “It’s sunny.”

 

“He’s far too overprotective,” she confided in Fili as they settled themselves into wicker chairs on the balcony. “Just like Thorin was. Only perhaps I should have listened to him.”

 

“Do you hear from him much?” Fili asked.

 

“He’s called me a few times. He told me when Kili went to rehab, when he came out and they didn’t hear from him.” Dis voice was very calm, and Fili was impressed by her grip on herself, even as she recounted what must have been devastatingly painful. “Of course, I was so worried. But then they told me he’d met up with you.”

 

Fili’s heart jumped. Had Thorin told her everything? Or would he have to have another awkward conversation... He had thought this might happen, but still hadn’t decided how to prepare himself for it.

                                                                                             

But he got his answer as Dis looked into his face and gave him a knowing smile. “You’re good for him.”

 

Fili let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

 

“What does Dwalin say?”

 

“He and Kili never really … got along,” Dis said slowly. “Dwalin was prepared to be a second father to him. But Kili – never really appreciated that.

 

“It wasn’t really his fault. Dwalin would kill kings for me, but in a way that’s his downfall. Kili’s always been a little prickly. And how was he supposed to take it? Kili’s never been able to trust any kind of father figure in his life.”

 

Fili found himself nodding.

 

“But if you’re worried he’ll judge you, you’d be wrong,” Dis told him, looking up as Dwalin came through, carrying a tray with coffee, milk and little coffee cups, rattling on saucers. “We only want the best for you.”

 

“Aye,” Dwalin grunted. He poured coffee into three cups. “Whatever does him good, lad.”

 

“That counts as approval in Dwalin’s book,” Dis told him and Fili smiled back at her, relieved, as he accepted a cup.

 

“I must say I wasn’t expecting you to come by,” Dis admitted softly. “Is it Kili? Did he send you?”

 

Fili felt a lump rising in his throat. “No. Kili doesn’t know I’m here. I haven’t – heard from him in a while.”

 

Dis frowned. “Are you two… alright?”

 

“Kil’s gone back,” he choked.

 

Dis went suddenly very still.

 

Fili went on, trying to ignore the tightening in his chest: “He was doing so well – until – and then – it happened. Again. And now he’s gone back to rehab, to do it properly.”

 

Dis put her cup back onto the table. It rattled a little on the saucer with the slight shaking of her hands.

 

“He didn’t want me to visit him,” Fili said, almost embarrassed to admit how _lonely_ he felt. Worst of all was his guilt. “I should have – done more for him. Been more – for him.” Fili hiccupped and suddenly there were tears in his eyes, on his cheeks, trickling uncomfortably down his neck.

 

Dis leaned over to grip Fili’s hands tightly.

 

“You did everything you could have done,” she told him, and the way her voice constricted suggested she was holding back tears of her own. “If anyone should be saying these things it’s me, Fili. But this is _good_. He will get the help he needs and make sure this never happens again.”

 

Fili squeezed her hands, gratefully, embarrassed by his tears. They cried together for a few minutes, Dwalin eventually moving to them and wrapping his arms tenderly around both of them. Fili knew the embrace was more intended for Dis than for him but he appreciated it nonetheless.

 

“Go and see your family,” Dis urged gently when they finally broke apart. “You need them at a time like this. Have you told them?”

 

“Not yet.” Fili wiped his eyes with his cuffs and giving his head a little shake as if that would help clear it. “I’m going to see them next week. They know I’ve got something to tell them, they just don’t know what yet.”

 

“Send them my love when you gp.”

 

“They’d love to see you.”  


The momentary flicker of doubt that crossed her face reminded him of Kili, that time so long ago just before his birthday, before her face changed. She spoke hesitantly but Fili knew she was telling the truth. “I’d love to see them too.”

 

Fili hadn’t realized how late it was until his eyes caught on his watch. “Wow, sorry. I didn’t mean to stay for so long. I should be going – quite a long drive back.”

 

“Not to worry.’`

 

“Stay in touch,” Dis told him as she walked him to the front door.

 

“I will. Thanks for lunch.”

 

“No problem at all. You know you’re welcome to drop by any time. And – if you can – perhaps sometime you can bring Kili with you?” Her voice was delicate at the end of her sentence and Fili felt a lump rising in his throat again at the sound of Kili’s name, which he quashed irritably – honestly, it wasn’t as if Kili had _died_. His emotions were running amok; he was tired of crying.

 

“I’ll try. Bye.”

 

“Goodbye Fili.”

 

Fili thought he caught a glimpse of Dis collapsing into Dwalin’s arms, in the crack between the door and the jamb before it shut with a click behind him. He averted his eyes, hurrying past the window as he passed, not wanting her to feel embarrassed at letting him see her strength crumble. He couldn’t decide if going to see her had helped or not – but it hadn’t felt like a bad thing.

 

It was an odd thing, family, he reflected in the car. There was something comforting in it, even if you didn’t know eachother. That wasn’t true, a voice in his head argued at once. Remember Kili? You hated eachother at the beginning. Fili stuck his tongue out at himself in the rearview mirror. Shut up. Who are you even arguing with?

 

Her eyes weren’t the same colour, but they were exactly the same shape. And both she and Kili’s eyes sheltered underneath the oh-so-familiar Durin brows Fili knew so well on his own father’s face. He suppressed a small smile as he slowed before a red light – how many times had he seen that same brow on three different faces, all showing the same expression. It would be interesting to line them all up side by side in the same room and look at them all together. Maybe it would happen one day.

 

The light turned green and the traffic moved on.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the absence... wont bore you with the details why, but hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm still not sure how to feel about it myself and im not entirely happy with it - but i felt like these characters finally deserved to be more than just talked about. Would be interesting to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Thanks so much for all your comments on the last chapter. Even though i havent managed to reply to them all, know they are always welcomed and appreciated immensely :) thank you so much for your continued support for a story that seems to be becoming more and more drawn out in spite of best intentions xxxxxx


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili goes home to Cambridge to see and tell his parents what happened. He also completes a mission of his own.

 

“Fili! This is _such a terrible idea!”_

 

“Ori, you can’t wimp out on me _now_!”

 

“Easy for you to say! I’ve got the worst word!”

 

“Hardly!” Fili hissed, yanking his scarf down from over his mouth so he could be heard more clearly. “I’ve got to write ‘drug dealer’, which is the bit that might actually get the police to investigate and incarcerate him!”

 

“Yes but at least ‘drug dealer’ isn’t a swear word!” Ori retorted. “And if the point of this is to get him arrested why don’t we just call the police?”

 

Fili hesitated. He shifted on his feet, crouched as they were behind the bush. Thranduil’s mansion towered above, white and glowing in the night a hundred metres away from them. “Kili didn’t want me to,” he muttered at last.

 

“And this is _really_ the only alternative?”

 

“Ori, are you going to help me or not?”

 

“Oh, _alright_ ,” Ori conceded, pulling his scarf over his head and yanking his beanie down so it almost covered his eyes. “Let’s get this bloody over with.”

 

Fili counted under his breath and on three they took off out of the bushes, spray cans rattling in their hands. They sprinted as soon as it was done, shooting a quick glance over their shoulders to admire their handiwork – _DRUG DEALER WANKER_ sprawled across the front of Thranduil’s house in bloody red spattering letters.

 

“I would have added ‘fucking’,” Fili panted, when they finally deemed it safe and far away enough to stop, bent double to catch their breath. “But I didn’t want to give the security cameras extra time to get an idea of what we looked like.”

 

“I’m wearing five layers to make myself look bigger,” Ori gasped, tearing open his parka and frantically peeling off his coat. “I’m _boiling_!”

 

“It was worth it though, wasn’t it?”

 

“To see the look on his face when he comes back from his holiday and realizes that’s been there for everyone to see for a week? Hell yes.”

 

“You’re a mate, Ori.”

 

“I know I am. But let’s go home before we start hearing sirens.”

 

\-------

 

As it turned out, they didn’t have to call the police, because someone else did. Fili was back in London when he heard; Bilbo’s tone was clipped on the phone, but held a distinct note of satisfaction as he recounted the news.

 

“It seems they had a tip-off. Aside from that graffiti all over his house. I wonder how that got there? It could have been the same person. Anyway, it seems Thranduil was quite a bully and some of his ‘accomplices’ finally decided they had had enough.”

 

He was being held in prison while his charges were being settled, and would be put under house arrest until the trial.

 

“If he even needs a trial,” Fili told Ori vindictively, sitting in a coffee shop a few days later. “It’s so obvious what he did, they must all be coming out of the woodwork now, all his victims and sidekicks. They say you can get life for a crime like his, I hope he dies in there in a pile of his own shit.”

“That’s not kind, Fili,” Tauriel interjected. Ori shot her a warning look as Fili glowered at her.

 

“Kind? Fuck that. Fuck _him_ , he deserves to rot in hell! Although I’m sure _you_ get a different side of the story.” Fili rolled his eyes, glaring moodily into his cup.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tauriel snapped.

 

“What Fili is trying to insinuate,” Ori explained, giving Fili a withering look. “Is that Legolas must have something to do with it.”

 

“It wasn’t Legolas’ fault, he had no idea about any of it,” Tauriel insisted.

 

“But still, how can you stand to be with him, now? After what his father’s done to so many kids, after what he’s done to Kili?”

 

“I’ll have you know we had a big fight about it actually!” Tauriel said, sounding tearful. “He doesn’t agree with anything his father’s done, of course he doesn’t, but he’s still his dad! You can’t just give up on a parent like that!”

 

“Still fucking someone younger than his son,” Fili muttered under his breath so Tauriel couldn’t hear. Ori kicked him hard in the shin under the table.

 

With a grunt of pain, he leaned down to rub his smarting leg, looking up a minute later to see tears in Tauriel’s eyes. His scowl melted at the sight of it and he felt a hot wave of shame roll over him – what was he doing? “Sorry,” he started, pulling a packet of Kleenex out of his pocket and offering it to her, covering one of her hands with his own. “I’m being an arsehole.”

 

“You are a bit but I’ll forgive you,” Tauriel sniffed, accepting a tissue. “I know you’re only saying it because you’re so angry and lonely all by yourself.”

 

“Still, it’s hardly an excuse.”

 

“Well, all apologies are said so no harm done.” Tauriel smiled at Fili and Fili knew he didn’t deserve to have such wonderful friends, undoubtedly the best in the world.

 

“You guys – thank you so much. For everything. For being so supportive of me and Kili since the beginning, for sticking for me when this is such a hard time for you too, Tauriel, and for generally being there when I'm being such a twat. Really guys, I mean it.”

 

“I think special thanks should go to _me_ for helping you scrawl that horrible but fully justified slogan across the front of Thranduils’s house,” Ori pointed out sniffily.

 

“What?” Tauriel’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “That was _you_ _two?!_ ”

 

They laughed, long and hard, not wanting to stop until their stomachs hurt and they all had tears pouring down their cheeks.

 

 

Fili could feel grass on the back of his neck. He could smell earth, and something floral, and the sweet smell of pine trees. Something light landed on his nose and he twitched automatically. He opened his eyes just in time to see a butterfly fluttering away.

 

He sat up and took in his surroundings. He appeared to be in some kind of meadow, ensconced in a clearing surrounded by tall trees. The sun was bright and shining, though not so brightly as to be blinding. He heard movement behind him and turned.

 

Kili was walking towards him through the long grass. Fili watched him as he strode over, flopping down on the grass next to him in the middle of the field.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Hello.” Fili stared incredulously, dumbstruck. Until:

 

“This is a dream, isn’t it?” Fili realised slowly.

 

“Yep.” Kili flopped down next to him in the middle of the field, flattening daisies underneath him. He propped himself up on his elbows, mimicking Fili’s position.

 

“Right.” Fili looked around him once more, appraising his surroundings. “Where are we?”

 

“I don’t know. We’re in your head. But I know what you mean, it does look vaguely familiar. Unless… is this…?”

 

Fili groaned. “Oh god. Don’t say it-“

 

“Have you been reading _Twilight_?” Kili said ecstatically, delighting as Fili groaned and squirmed.

 

“It might have been on the telly the other day,” Fili muttered. Kili laughed jubiliantly as Fili rolled over and buried his face in his arms. “If I’d known it would worm itself into my subconscious I would have changed the channel,” he groaned as he felt his cheeks redden.

 

“But you didn’t did you?” Kili said smugly.

 

“Shut up. It was background noise.”

 

“Sure it was.”

 

“Of course it was. The house is so empty and quiet these days.”

 

There was a short silence. A light breeze ruffled the grass beneath Fili’s fingertips, scudding over his hair and making the trees rustle and creak quietly.

 

Fili cracked open one eye.

 

“Drat. We’re still here.”

 

“Oh well. There’s worse places to be.” Fili felt warmth against his back and an arm pulling him gently against a solid chest.

 

“You feel so real,” he murmured.

 

“So do you.”

 

“Of course _I’m_ real. I’m having the dream after all.”

 

“What if I’m dreaming too? Haven’t you ever thought people can meet eachother in their dreams?”

 

“Don’t be daft.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because…” Fili wondered about getting into a conversation about the impossibility of two unconscious consciousnesses converging and decided he couldn’t be bothered. “… well, because.” Besides, what was so much more important was the solid feel of the body behind him, the way Kili’s hand, now twined with his own, was doing that stroking thing with the thumb that Fili remembered Kili always did.

 

If this was a dream, it was a very good one.

 

“You’re not real,” Fili muttered drowsily. “The real Kili is much less mature. Or at least he doesn’t concern himself with stupid pointless conversations about people meeting eachother in dreams.”

 

“Ouch.” Fili smirked, imagining the pout on dream-Kili’s face.

 

“So I _am_ dreaming then?”

 

“Yes. Or whatever. Pick whatever answer you want to hear. This is your dream after all.” Dream-Kili sounded sulky and Fili gave his hand a half-apologetic squeeze as consolation.

 

“If I could control my dreams that easily, I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the fucking cheesy ass meadow from _Twilight,_ ” Fili pointed out. “Another thing – my Kili hates the outdoors. He’s a city boy.”

 

“Alright, alright. We have ascertained that this _is_ a dream,” dream-Kili groused. “You could at least be grateful I even turned up at all. I thought you liked dreaming about me.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Good.” Kili pressed a kiss against the side of Fili’s exposed neck, making his mouth hitch up into a smile involuntarily. “Now sleep.”

 

“How can I sleep when I’m already in a dream?”

 

“You’ve not been sleeping properly. That’s what happens when you only enter the first layer of sleep. When you sleep properly, you sink into a deeper sleep, like the going to the next level, essentially. There are no dreams there.”

 

“Cut the crap,” Fili muttered drowsily. “You can tell _you’ve_ been watching _Inception_.”

 

Fili heard Kili’s soft chuckle, a little waft of air ghosting against his ear. Kili’s lips pressed the lightest of butterfly kisses just behind it. “Okay, I’ll stop.”

 

The cerulean sky from minutes ago was rapidly changing to blue-black, darkness spreading like ink dropped in a pot of water. It was still warm, the faintest hint of a breeze taking the edge off the balmy evening.

 

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Fili murmured.

 

“Yes. Now rest.”

 

 


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at long last... the final chapter (or official one anyway) :)

 

Fili waited at the bottom of the hill, in almost exactly the same spot he had been in exactly three months ago. The sun was shining today as it was then, but this time, it was warm. Spring had sprung, and summer was on its way. The snowdrops and crocuses were holding out tenaciously for their last few weeks of life before retreating from the heat and letting the summer flowers take over.

 

The distant door of the big house opened and a person stepped out. They had a long-sleeved tshirt and jeans, black backpack slung over one shoulder, one hand gripping a duffel bag, the other stuffed in a pocket. He headed down the hill, long hair flapping slightly around his face.

 

Kili stopped a few feet short of Fili, squinting in the sun.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

It wasn’t a surge-forward got-to-have-you-now hug, nor was it the awkward hips-apart embrace of strangers. When Fili hugged him, he felt like they were friends. “How are you?” he asked.

 

“Good.” Kili didn’t elaborate, getting into the front seat and slinging his bag into the backseat. Fili started the car.

 

“And – how have you been?” Kili asked, not tentatively, but sounding slightly like he wasn’t sure how to voice the question.

 

“Bored,” Fili answered honestly. “I’ve not been working,” he explained, sensing perplexion in Kili’s silence.

 

“Ah.”

 

“I guess you heard about Thranduil,” Fili said.

 

“Yeah. It was on the news. ‘Cambridge drug tycoon busted at long last’.” Kili’s mouth hitched up on one side but it looked more like a grimace than a smile. “I was worried they’d call me up to testify or something if my name ever got out.”

 

“There wouldn’t have done. There was no need. There were plenty of people willing to speak up against him once the truth started to come out.”

 

Kili didn’t reply. There was a long silence as they drove on.

 

The London traffic crept up on them as they headed south. It took about twenty minutes in traffic until finally, they were home. Fili got Kili’s duffel bag from the backseat and Kili swung his rucksack onto his shoulder and they climbed the few flights of stairs up to the flat. Kili paused in the hall, as if not sure where to go – Fili led the way into the kitchen.

 

“Want some tea?” Fili could have laughed aloud at himself – he had turned into his dad. Kili nodded and dropped his bag on the floor next to the sofa before sitting down.

 

“Still like it blue milk and two sugars?”

 

Kili nodded.

 

Well. He supposed there was no time like the present. Fili took a deep internal breath, and voiced the thing he had been practising to say for weeks. “I was thinking – about moving.”

 

Kili looked up, face unreadable.

 

“The company I work for has expanded into Europe. They’ve got various branches now and my supervisor was suggesting it could be a good idea for me to go and work in one of those offices.”

 

“Where?”

 

Kili sounded strangely blank, impassive. Fili couldn’t tell if he was trying to sound controlled or just couldn’t care less. He ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a long breath. “There’s one in Holland, Italy, a couple in Spain. I think there’s even the option of Portugal.”

 

“Where would they send you?”

 

“I don’t know. Depends on the vacancies and where we’d like to go.”

 

“We?” Kili’s voice was suddenly sharp.

 

“I’d want you to come with me. If that’s what you’d want.” Fili’s heart was beating hard in his chest. What if Kili didn’t want to come – well, he’d stay then of course, but what if Kili didn’t want to be with him at all? Maybe he’d decided in rehab that a clean slate really meant a _clean_ slate, a fresh start, including – hell, what if he’d told his therapists he was in love with his cousin and they’d told him that was delusional, dangerous, what if they reminded him it was illegal and told him to stop right now? “I mean – if you don’t want to that’s obviously fine. And if you don’t want to, well, live here, with me, or even stay with me at all, that’s perfectly fine, I get it, really I –“

 

Kili was suddenly on his feet, hands pressing down on Fili’s shoulders as he babbled, cutting him short when his lips were inches away from Fili’s.

 

“Of _course_ I want to stay with you. I’ll stay with you as long as you’ll have me.” Fili felt overwhelmed by the intensity of those dark brown eyes – swallowed up in their dark deep depths, and he felt a sudden warmth seep from somewhere in his chest, permeating every part of him.

 

“I’ll have you forever if you’ll have me for that long.” Fili wanted to kick himself for being so cheesy - he felt his cheeks redden, and imagined his face blushing crimson.

 

Kili’s face cracked into a smile, a proper one, like the one Fili had been missing for months – it felt like the sun had come out, although that could have been the burning in his cheeks.

 

“You’re a sap,” were Kili’s last words before closing the inches between them, crushing their bodies together and melding their lips in a soft, searing kiss that above all else told him, at long last: _You’re home_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so it ends... sort of! epilogue on the way ;)
> 
> as always thanks to all for sticking with this story for so long :) your comments and kudoses warm my day and honestly i couldn't do it without all your support xxxxx


	40. Epilogue

“Smile.”

 

Kili grinned and let Fili snap yet another photo of him. “Honestly, are you ever going to be done?”

 

“No. This bridge is too pretty with you on it to not take a picture.”

 

“You’ve taken hundreds of pictures of me already. And _please_ , remember you are talking about a world famous and very historical piece of architecture here. It’s not called the _ponte vecchio_ for nothing.”

 

Fili might once have thought that it was somewhat ironic that Kili became a teacher – but after seeing how much he enjoyed it and how good he was at it, there was no more doubt in his mind. Kili had completed, in a few painstaking months, to finish an online TEFL course and was now teaching English to classes of all ages. It was entertaining to know that Kili was learning as much from his Italian students as they were learning from him, and he was loving every minute of it.

 

For now Fili just rolled his eyes.

 

“I know, I know, the ‘old bridge’, it’s super important and one of the most beautiful sights in Italy, blah blah blah. Not like it’s the hundredth time you’ve told me today.”

 

“Have some respect,” Kili teased. He hopped off the small ledge he was balanced on over the river and proffered his arm. “ _Andiamo prendere un gelato?_ ”

 

“You and your Italian,” Fili grumbled. “It’s so much better than mine.”

 

“If you got out of the office more and really took the time to appreciate this city we’re blessed to live in, yours would be the same. _Bella Firenze_!” Kili swept his hands grandiosely over the panorama unfolding before them, the sparkling silver river flanked by cobbled streets and colourful plastered buildings, red terracotta roofs, and, a summit to them all, the grand Duomo.

 

Kili’s hand arm landed around Fili’s shoulders. “I know a good place just down the street from here. Hidden away a bit, but the gelato is _sicuramente spettacolare._ ”

 

“Wherever, I’ll trust your judgment. What are all those?” Fili gestured towards a lamppost heaving with padlocks of all shapes and sizes. They stopped to look at them.

 

“Oh, my students told me about these. You write the names of you and your love on a lock and throw the keys in the river. Apparently if you do your love will last forever.” Kili flipped over a padlock and, sure enough, on the back in black marker were the words _Marta + Anto,_ encased in a heart. Fili turned his head to see Kili glancing sideways at him. He pretended to sigh.

 

“Oh go on then, seeing as you so clearly want to.”

 

Kili beamed at him and dragged him towards one of the shops on the bridge. They bought an overpriced padlock and wrote their names on the back before clamping it to a lamppost, adding to the mass of other padlocks knitted together around the heaving wrought iron post. They stared at it for a while, glinting in the sun, just one amidst the hundreds of lives and lovers.

 

“They probably have to chop all of these off before the weight of them makes the whole bridge collapse.”

 

Kili stuck out his tongue. “Killjoy.”

 

“Just saying.” Fili shrugged, smiling impishly. “I don’t think we need one of these anyway,” he added. Kili squeezed his hand.

 

“Me neither. But I guess it’s good luck.”

 

“Yeah. Not that we’ve needed much of that recently either.”

 

They shared a smile before Kili squeezed Fili’s hand again, starting to pull him down the bridge.

 

“Right then. Ice cream?”

 

“Ice cream.”

 

 

 

 

Fili was right. It was a few months later that men from the council came with clippers to chop the dead weight of thousands of lovers’ tokens off the ancient bridge, sending the butchered padlocks showering into the river, Fili’s and Kili’s included. Not that they noticed - Fili was right about that too; it would take a lot more than a broken padlock to hurt them now.

 

 

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... the end. it really is the end now, it feels nice to be able to round this story off on a nice round number of chapters. hope you enjoyed it!  
>  thank you all so much for your comments, kudoses and support throughout - even when i've been in a bad mood and its super angsty, or i've been terrible at updating, or i've had such bad writer's block its taken me months to get a chapter together :) its been my baby through good times and bad and it means so much to me that any of you even bothered reading it so thanks a million again :) love to you all! Xxxxx


End file.
